May. 11th, 2017

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I had noted, like you do, that I'd not seen a friend on social media for a while. Someone I went to college with and lives in Florida now. So, when I saw her post to a mutual friend's page, I reached out to her with a oh hey- was thinking of you, miss you. It was a bit odd, we had been connected before but no longer friends on FB. So, I rerequested. I woke up the next morning to a long message from her detailing some stuff that was really hard to read. I guarantee it was harder for her to live. Our overlapping time was one that was full of bad stuff for her and some toxic relationships within the group we were both active. I did not have this experience, although I  managed to rack up a fair bit of damage and lessons learned without managing to overlap with the crux of her damage. She has been working on herself, getting healthy, making better choices, and apparently that involved clearing the decks of a lot of folks associated with that time, place, and group. I was not responsible for her hurt, but there's no way I'd be anything but a reminder of it. I deeply understand the need to protect yourself and not maintaining connections.  And I guess our friendship was past tense for a while. I didn't realize it was so, not until yesterday. In that time and place, she was important to me. I am deeply sorry that she experienced negativity and abuse. So I wished her well, expressed regret that she had such pain, and said goodbye.  I listen to Dan Savage every week and one of his themes is that not all relationships last forever, and that's OK. That it's unrealistic to only call those relationships that end with one person burying the other successful. Just because a relationship ends (romantic or otherwise) does not mean it did not have value. And after a night's sleep I have reasoned that our differing opinions about the core nature of our shared group would make it hard to maintain a friendship - she sees it as a cesspool built for abuse. I see that she was grossly taken advantage of, that this is true for her, but it just isn't true for me. Also, I really don't want to be a living reminder of bad times for someone. I've quietly missed her for 20 years. Missing her is akin to missing my young adultness and my time in school. ::shrug:: ... moving on...
May. 11th, 2017 12:16 pm


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This morning was the meeting at school following the testing to see what's up with the kid, what more does he need to be more successful (and less disruptive??) . 
TL;DR is that he has qualified for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) due to "developmental delays"- an academic designation, rather than medical one. This IEP lasts 3 years then it's re-evaluated.

[personal profile] ursa_cerulean and I went and talked with his teacher, the occupational therapist, social worker, psych, and 2 coordinators. It's  a great team and I've always appreciated their attention, dedication, and expertise.  So, it turns out my kid has a hard time staying focused, following directions, and controlling his impulses emotionally and physically. That bit of executive function just hasn't shown up to play yet, I guess. It means constant redirection at home and at school, lots of disruption for everyone, and a lot of assertive/aggressive behavior, explicitly he will argue and debate as a matter of course. He doesn't back down from confrontation, so if someone gets up in his face, there will be fisticuffs. So! Let's find some skills. Let's find a way to maybe translate that to home so that the parents can feel more assured and less frazzled. Because let me tell you, saying sit down and eat 20 times in the span of 5 minutes is no fun for me. Because the things he loves doing, he's flipping brilliant at, and there's no currency that works if he can't find value in the activity. Just imagine if we could persuade him to be collaborative and social on top of creative and empathetic. We'll get this baby-activist going yet. I really would prefer he manage a path through school that doesn't involve "I HATE EVERYTHING."   I'm grateful. This is a great school and a great team and I'll be able to transfer the IEP to Newton when we move.

A surprise feature of the IEP process is to carefully monitor to make sure that he is not being bullied or being the aggressor either. I think this is smart to track as part of the work. I can see him being on both sides of the equation, particularly when you toss in a fair bit of gender nonconformity. He's vulnerable and they can proceed with extra care to help re-direct and provide extra support as need be. I couldn't be happier at this point with our situation.


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