Mar. 22nd, 2017 09:46 am

Not great

mizarchivist: (Context)
So, about a week ago, I felt like I was about to throw up when I woke up (no I'm not pregnant). It feels like all the adrenaline ever has been dumped into my system, kind of all the time. Or enough of the time that I feel dizzy, queasy, or just paralyzed and unable to... anything. I'd been feeling emotionally fragile before last week, so this has been feeling like a physical manifestation of emotional distress.  It's made eating nigh on impossible. I'll feel hungry, but rarely able to eat more than a few bites before I'm done, or feel gross.

I feel like I have nothing to talk about other than my anxiety. Very little is interesting, positively distracting. Thank the gods asciikitty handed me a book that is holding my attention, because until then it had been all entertainment is not working for me (TV, crafts, books)- everything feels hard. I'm not terribly interested in climbing, even- especially when it feels like I'm poisoned by all the adrenaline. It makes me feel weak and that's not a good feel for climbing.

Work can sometimes keep my mind off of it, but it's also filled with a lot of negative stress. I have fantasies about a rich person who needs my skillset and hires me to be me and solve problems and do stuff for them.

Kid- very hard at the moment. Had a meeting with school today to try to come up with new solutions. Waiting for their turn in the queue for testing, so that doesn't happen til May. But feeling awful/anxious about this a lot of the time. Definitely moving forward on repeating Kindergarten next year.

Friends and family- I swear everyone's been so good to me. Jaime's been as present as she can be, Fubar and asciikitty are heroes. So many people checking in on me and being sweet and lovely. Weasels are trying to convince me I'm not worth the trouble and that I'm a lost cause and that eventually everyone will be fed up and leave me to my state of disarray.

Sleep? So much. Too much?

Sneaking suspicion- I'm wondering if I'm just a bit congested, holding my breath while I sleep, and in doing so having a ton of adrenaline dump in to remind me to breathe. I started retaking nose spray a few days ago and Claritin this morning.

But? This moment? I actually feel OK. I'll take it. I should eat something while I can.

Next: see doctor tonight, brain storm about wtf and meds.

(Edit): All I know is that I spend a lot of time feeling lost and scared, overwhelmed and beyond help and so so so boring.
mizarchivist: (Default)
Hi friends. How are you? 

Today's a feeling mopey day. (Got to visit with someone I rather like yesterday, but It's Complicated tm. Not much to be done. I don't really want to talk about it here, but I do. Did I mention complicated?)  Then follow up from this year's Confessional) caused me to grin and blush a fair bit.  Because apparently it's a year where I was gifted my very own thread. So, if any of the anon commenters are reading here... hi! I deeply appreciate being appreciated. I'm still bone-deep intrigued by people carrying torches for apparently decades. I realize some things are not meant to be known by the object 'pon which one crushes, but ... well, you know. CURIOUS! 

(GAH!, naughty dreamwidth, which publishes the post when you hit enter when putting in tags. )

What else? Everything, nothing?

House- I've not mentioned much here, but I'm about to be a home-owner. asciiktty's parents' house will soon be my family's house. It's exciting! It's on the Newton/Watertown line, and will not transfer residence until after the end of the school year.

Work? Still not king. But got rolling on Preservica. Had my first training (finally) today, and soon it'll be a going concern. I'm also working on cleaning up within the Records Management part of my life, which goes with an Asset Management System.

Kid- Doing OK. Very 5. I haven't had the energy to post here, but dealing with gender expression and declared self "Girl" in the fall, which has been persistent ever since. (I need more long sleeve dresses for her).  Looks like repeating kindergarten is for sure going to happen. No surprise. If she were 3 weeks younger, she'd have been in pre-K again this year. I'm calling this the practice year- get the notions of what is expected sorted out and then work on academic benchmarks.

Wife- EMPLOYED! That happened uh, about a week and  a half ago? No, 2 weeks ago exactly. They called on a Monday for the next day. that's the union for you, friends. She's still looking for work that doesn't involve wearing a tool belt and hauling particle board. She's also being happy and ridiculous at a new person. I'm full of compersion for her. He's a nice guy and lives in Dorchester.

Health/physicality- been climbing still, not enough. I need to ping CRG and put a hold on my membership. I can't do all the things, as it turns out. When I live in Newton, that'll likely be my default gym since they have a location about 2 mi from my new house.
I also have been participating in StepBet, because asciikitty is an enabler. That has gamified my activity just enough to keep me from slipping. I'm starting to feel like there's some difference. My goal is to have my utilikilt fit me as it should again.

Fam- I got to visit family in the Hudson Valley a few weeks ago, and then my parents visited this past weekend. The NY trip was to see my aunt in Our Town. My mom's younger sister. My mom, my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Will plus ersatz-Aunt Susan (I actually have an actual aunt by that name, just to confuse things), plus theatrical aunt's two adult kids were on site. Jaime and Kid also came with. it was quite an impromptu reunion and I was happy for the chance.
My parents had been planning on visiting me this weekend for a while. Mom's a huge advocate of vacation rentals, a good way to get a decent place near my house but not IN my house to take some pressure off those family members who might not be that social, the fact that the house is big, but that with guests it no longer feels adequate. Can allow for the dog to come if they want (not this time). It's overall a good thing. This time we went to Newburyport and got a beach house. Yes, tons of snow on the ground, but it was still delightful. The house itself was one that I'd very much like to rent again for a fun get-away for adults (sans parents or kids). It had a great aesthetic and a very nicely stocked kitchen with sharp knives and quality cook wear.

mizarchivist: (Default)
Attention Community!
My wife is about to run out of unemployment.  We need to find leads to permanent, full-time work. Not side jobs.

She's a union carpenter and is capable of building just about anything. Jaime's been looking for a permanent gig for over a year now, and is hopeful about finding something in facilities, but no dice so far. She also has experience in retail and a half dozen other entirely reasonable ideas. The one major thing she doesn't do? Code-monkey work.  Now is not the time to let perfect thwart us when good enough absolutely will do. There are car payments to be made.

Please send leads my way.  Let's let the power of our collective good solve for this perennial problem.

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mizarchivist: (Default)
I'm working on documentation. It's very very very long. It has a lot of exposition in it. Pages of it. It's GOOD exposition, but old-timers like me don't want or need it, that having all of it there is a stumbling block to using the documentation. What I want is the equivalent of LJ-cuts to collapse the explanations of Why and how of something, so that if you need it, you can expand it, otherwise it's nice and tidy and you can get on with your lives.  We had kicked the idea of a wiki around, but I rather want a document that lives not on someone else's system that potentially needs a login to create and is outside our server framework, so could be forgotten, lost, or god forbid eradicated due to a company going under.

Anyway, if anyone out there has potential solutions, please let me know.
mizarchivist: (Default)
Originally I'd planned on commuting to Arisia because I just couldn't cope with hotel wrangling when hotel rooms became available. However, thanks to the kindness and generosity of [personal profile] lifecollage,[livejournal.com profile] ahf[livejournal.com profile] caulay I was able to stay at the con from Friday-Sunday.
I want to write a novella about how good the weekend was, but I am just too tired to do so right now. Topics that can and should be talked of eventually are-
  1. The hat(s)
  2. Art show
  3. Scalzis
  4. Suddenly GOH liaisoning / the Ursula and Kevin show (rather literally)
  5. Saturday night
  6. Sunday night
The whole point of this... well, let me just cut and paste what I told a friend earlier today--
My weekend was from beginning to end, love, camaraderie, desire, lust, jubilation, a return to true self, a recalibration, a battle cry against despair and hatred. Life affirming.

Also I sold 9 pieces of art at the art show. This is a very good number for me given that many of said pieces were mid-to larger sized and thus priced accordingly.  If anyone wishes they could have just...[bought that thing], let me know. I still have a lot of stock.

I took a page out of [personal profile] lifecollage 's book and walked the city as part of the decompression sequence. I packed up the art then walked from the Westin to Park St. where I went down to Fenway to have lunch and shop with some friends. I have a new playlist that's basically Mizarchivist's Biopic songs / soundtrack to Core Memories. It's an unrefined list, one I had put together for other things but it fit the mood precisely so. So much of what is sung in Lifeboat is how I feel. So much
  • Lady Vagabond- SJ Tucker
  • Hypnotized- Ani
  • Fierce Flawless- Ani
  • The Only Answer- Mike Doughty
  • Down On The River By The Sugarplant- Doughty
  • Hard Way Home- Brandi Carlile
  • Here For Now- Ani
  • Promiscuity- Ani
  • Arsonist and the Thief- Robyn Cage
  • Life Boat- Ani
  • (Still A ) Weirdo
  • Call and Answer- Barenaked Ladies
It was just so good to walk and really soak in how much good happened to me in the last 4 days.
OK. Gonna go rest.

Tags:
Jan. 11th, 2017 04:04 pm

test test

mizarchivist: (Default)
posting from dreamwidth seeing if it posts in LJ

EDIT! It works!!
OK, folks- ya'll need to get on adding me in your permission levels, because I have access to about 3 of you at the moment.
Jan. 11th, 2017 02:45 pm

Bandwagon

mizarchivist: (Avatar- Don't fuck with me)

I established a dreamwidth acct a few LJ scares ago. I'm happy to jump ship with everyone else if legitimately everyone's going there, but let me tell you how I've not loved trying to rebuild my connections to friends. It feels like Dreamwidth doesn't want you to find individual people. Their Directory feature is obnoxious and all my hunting and pecking (remember, I'm an information professional. I know what I'm doing usually) has been decidedly frustrating.

If anyone has a simple solution to this, please let me know.
Alternatively, please chime in with where you are/direct link to ya'lls blogs there.

EDIT: ...ok. I seem to have a half-assed way to get progress here, but folks should still pipe up if they're over at DW and want to connect w me there.

Tags:
mizarchivist: (Kitty Jedi Mind Trick)
I went to see Rogue One a week+ ago, but then I read this post from a fellow information-professional, and it made me remember I was going to say something to someone about this, so I wrote a half-assed thing in FB and now I want to write a bit more here, because I can.

cut for spoilers )

crap. I've run out of time to write, but that was my initial thoughts. If anyone wants to talk more about this, I wanna talk about it too
Tags:
mizarchivist: (Mirrormask)
My downstairs neighbor/landlady Trish just died all of a sudden today, cementing in case it wasn't cemented enough, that we really have no control over shit and we can pretend all we want, but when it comes down to it, sometimes you just fucking die and that's it.

So, whatever you were waiting to do, don't.
Be kind
Smile at strangers
Give away your change to the folks on the street, or buy them a coffee if they want
Give cookies to kids, every single time.

::eats this here pastry I'd been saving that she'd made us for Christmas::
mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)
If I don't do this now, it'll never get done. So, I'm doing this in the HTML interface since LJ's visual editor is down, pls excuse the rudimentary. Also, I'll have to emulate 42itous and put in photos sans exposition another time.

expositionRead more... )

accommodation: Read more... )

Outings (not necessarily in chronological order):Read more... )

food:Read more... )

Nice brain, good brain (and summing up):Read more... )

TL: DR? Everyone had a great time. We saw pretty fish, swam, saw volcanoes, drank COFFEE, enjoyed getting souvenirs, and it's a damn miracle we came home at all. Feel free to ask me to see pictures if you're into that sort of thing. I by default don't offer them in case you're one of the ones who finds looking at vacation pictures depressing. (ETA): Also, I'm giving myself a gold star for knowing enough HTML/LJ code to put in cuts, because this did run quite long. Go me! I know things!!
mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)


I set up yesterday still up for now. Hating FB but may cave to signal boost. If anyone is still in the market for hand crafted this season, let me know. I will be around til the 8th then will be traveling until the 17th.
Will be at Arisia.
Tags:
mizarchivist: (Butterfly)
The fam and I are headed to the big island of Hawaii' in early December. Finances are tight so I cannot bring home a ton of souvenirs for all but if you know you want a thing and j can get it and bring it back, I will be happy to take your money and be your courier.

Second: if anyone was thinking of buying anything I make tell me asap. I have 10 fewer days to do things this month. (See above for why). I am likely to set up an open house sometime this holiday weekend for those who do want a hand made thing to give. If you do not fit within this part of the Venn Diagram, I hope you stopped reading after the first sentence.

ETA: I'm going to be home on Saturday from noon-4 if anyone wants to hang out, help eat surplus food/sweets, and/or purchase art. This is a moment where I prefer only to get notice of those who may come, rather than why folks aren't. I love you all, but this is detail management. Thanks in advance.
mizarchivist: (Kaylee Squees)
This morning I was 100% fragile and feeling broken and reactive.

Then I went to a webinar and my outlook on EVERYTHING is improved. Webinar was about implementing a digital asset management system (DAMS). There's more context to this, but I cannot possibly tell you now. I just needed to do a quick check in on the bit where I'm feeling like a different person for the best.

(EDIT): FYI-- I've yet to see this new "heart" feature. I think my customized look masks it. It does not tell me who is hearting things, so it's essentially anonymous input. You are *welcome* to give me anonymous support. I wanted to make sure them's who use this new feature know I have NFC who's being kind :)
mizarchivist: (Vote)

I voted on the 27th. In the meantime, I suited up, put on my new lipstick and brought pastry for my coworkers. Let's do this thing.
Oct. 24th, 2016 07:52 am

Ow ow ow

mizarchivist: (Default)
I took my belaying class at the Watertown climbing gym yesterday. Woo! I was beyond ready and would have done it weeks ago save for those niggly things like travel and open studios. Class was good, made better by a grad student who is a fellow spinner and knitter studying the life cycle of beetles (she is going to save us from our beetle overlords, you're welcome) - she had a knack for explaining mechanics in terms that are relatable. Pity she lives hundreds of miles away :/
Central gym definitely has walls I want to climb and seem more agreeable for beginners while having flat out terrifying looking walls for pros. Their boldering walls freak me out due to movable mats. I want an unbroken base of padding pls. But the option to boulder up and over and edge on to the 2nd floor is So Cool. And terrifying. The transition from vertical to horizontal. Gah.
So between a Benadryl hang over and sore shoulders from hauling up the walls.... ow. But good ow.
I need a climbing icon.
mizarchivist: (Butterfly)
(pulled from FB b/c it's close enough)
The care and feeding of a vending artist:
Thank you for coming! It may seem easy and fun and like a party, but I am rarely able to focus on any one person during the event. I'm pretty much working. It's fun work, but I only do this one or two times a year and it's my opportunity to make back the money I sink into my art.
1. Please don't socialize in front of my table. Step to one side so the shy / stranger can walk through.
2. Don't feel bad if you can't buy something. You don't have to justify your choices. I'm just glad to see you
3. Don't feel slighted if I can't talk to you. I need to be in retail/host mode.
4. By all means ask if I've remembered to eat. / help me get a snack if I need it.
5. By all means spread the word about Arlington Open Studios 2016.
Thanks!
mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)
Just a reminder I will be at Arlington Open Studios from noon-5 Sauturdau and Sunday this weekend. It is the final year for its location on Foster St. they will be making room for APS to use it as a public school again (hi baby boom and popular town).
I will be in the gym which is a sweet location.




come check out the HamilTins while they last. (If you want one after the fact lemme know)
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mizarchivist: (Calvin- Well adjusted)
When I was in my 20s and beyond, my anxiety dreams invovled themes surrounding school, being late, not knowing my locker combination, forgetting to go to a hard class for weeks and then expected to go to take a test. Classic stuff.

This morning, I woke up, my ribs aching from holding my breath, and my jaw aching from trying to bite through my night guard.
I was trying to apply for a really cool sounding job.
It featured--

  • Trying to write a cover letter (instead of a plain google word doc, I was trying to arrange words around a tree or bush in a pleasing manner. It wasn't working.)

  • Sorting all of this out while still being at work - trying not to let my coworkers see what I was doing or my boss notice I was leaving in the middle of the day to talk to potential new work. Then it was 10 pm all of a sudden

  • Work was at my mom's house?!

  • Having a conversation with potential new company and having a deeply inappropriate slant to the conversation, lead by me. Uhh

  • A friend showed up, [livejournal.com profile] entrope, only to have them get harrassed by a person who works for my building. So then we had to deal with the threat of him and his fictional son being awful on top of gettting my cover letter into words and sentences on a page.

  • Figuring out where I was going for a potential interview, involved moving a car from one place to another, one way streets and going down the wrong way on one way streets... Ended up abandoning the car when I gave up exactly where I started and walked to where I thought the place was.

At least I woke up and knew reality wouldn't look like that.  I should have realized. I figured out back in the school anxiety days I can't work with tech when I'm dreaming. It never works out. I can't dial things or make combinations lock work. Why did I think I could navigate Google word docs while dreaming?!

Gonna go enjoy the sunshine today.
(EDIT): and if anyone wants to see what my actual resume looks like, email me. I was working on it over the weekend with Dad.
Tags:
mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)
Jaime is pacing, waiting to go to a UCC church to see her friend participate in a gender affirmation service.
Kid is watching Phineas and Ferb (will also go to church)
I am catching up on the internet and saying hi before I go to BKB to climb with [livejournal.com profile] lifecollage.
Afternoon will include a trip to Castle Park (Joey's) with Grandma Jeanne (kid,of course), and a young friend visiting from Germany.

Yesterday was Stephanie's memorial service. I spent a lot of yesterday cooking, which is what you do when you go to memorials, right?  I didn't know her well, but she is (just because she's gone doesn't mean she's not important) to so many of my tribe. And we are here to comfort the greater tribe, durn it! Kid did quite well throughout and older kids ended up wanting to hang with him <<<333 Love it. I love tribe. Would that I was able to push though the awkward and be able to have better conversations while I was there, but it was not meant to be. It was good to see folk.
Rikibeth was saying in the moment that we should have sung or played One Last Time from Hamilton. I get that. A day late, but here it is for those who feel that resonance.

I started this at breakfast and now it's almost dinner. Again, something is better than nothing?
mizarchivist: (ESDO)
Whenever it's [livejournal.com profile] primal_pastry's birthday, it reminds me that my labor started on her birthday. We are days away from my child's birthday. I have complex emotional reactions. Excitement at the celebration, remembered anxiety of the act of labor, startlement that my child is this small human that's not so small.  This year we're combinging forces with [livejournal.com profile] woodwardiocom and [livejournal.com profile] buxom_bey since Roo's birthday is only 3 days behind Crime Fighter's. According to my conservative estimates, we're going to have about 60 people there. I'm excited and terrified by that, but mostly OK. It's easier now that The Kid is easier to contain, will likely stay where he's supposed to and not just TAKE OFF like when he was 2.

So, yeah. Maybe more introspection, but for now, have a photo montage....Cut for bandwidth. Have some pictures! )

Gulp. The progression. It makes sense. Just 2 sequential years next to each other makes sense, but in total is staggering for me.

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