Please ping me if you want my new street address. I'm going to be sending out an update email here soon.
Also: Tomorrow the kid has eye surgery. I'm only a bit nervous about that.
But I can't because I'm at work today. That was not ideal. But. Here we are.
Don't mind me, I'll just be rocking and giggling in (potential) terror in the corner. And grateful as HELL for the insurance we have. Sigh. And a reminder to keep fighting (call, call, call, call, CALL) for universal health care. Nobody should have to choose between one's health or a kid's health and basic day to day living.
( Read more... )So, all will be well come the end of July.
So, MIL has been off our radar for a while because she's been pretty wretched towards her progeny in the whole transition/trans thing. And then she asked Jaime for money "so she doesn't lose the house" (Uh, we don't have that kind of money). But Monday was Jaime's chosen birthday and MIL texted her, which is what I thought a step in the right direction. Except the content was so passive-aggressive that it almost doesn't count. In the text, MIL said that she loved Jaime and always would and that was something that Jaime "couldn't run away from." ... I didn't quite understand why that overblown language was used. I just read it at face value and said "hey, cool. text, unprompted on an important day and sent love. I call that a win."
MIL apparently earlier made reference that she believed that this "trans thing" was Jaime's way of running away from problems/reality. ... ... ...
no. Ohhhhh lady. No. So much... NO. Also? WTF. And no. Once more? With feeling? NO.
Ahem. So, that. I think we'll not be having a visit with her anytime soon.
So far the day's OK. The kid is allowed to watch as much TV as he wants and eat all the popsicles. Explanation- we're going to take a picture of your brain (look of horror)-- no, we don't have to take out your brain to do so (relief). But we need you to stay really still for that so they're going to give you medicine to keep you still and that medicine means you can ONLY eat popsicles. But yes ice cream at dinner. Clearly I'm more anxious than he is, and I'm alright with that.
... cut to 20 min. later and a trip to dr office... child finds an oatmeal square and starts eating it while I am not staring at him. MRI rescheduled to Tuesday morning. SIIIIIGHHH
It was insanity to have a sedated MRI scheduled for a 5 yr old in the mid to late afternoon. Insanity. We may have the blood test for Lyme's done by then, too. I'm just mad at myself for not being more vigilant.
Or you know, just fully anxious about all the things. Schrodinger's job opportunity is now eating my brain (I will NEVER get this job, the job is already mine)....
What I woke up to this morning (which is super cute)-
kid doing... something. Setting up a "surprise" for me. OK? I let this play out. I'm suspicious, though. Turns out it was a tea party with (a LOT) of sliced up bananas. And pretend tea. It was great.
Ping me if you want to talk to my landlord.
TL;DR is that he has qualified for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) due to "developmental delays"- an academic designation, rather than medical one. This IEP lasts 3 years then it's re-evaluated.
ursa_cerulean and I went and talked with his teacher, the occupational therapist, social worker, psych, and 2 coordinators. It's a great team and I've always appreciated their attention, dedication, and expertise. So, it turns out my kid has a hard time staying focused, following directions, and controlling his impulses emotionally and physically. That bit of executive function just hasn't shown up to play yet, I guess. It means constant redirection at home and at school, lots of disruption for everyone, and a lot of assertive/aggressive behavior, explicitly he will argue and debate as a matter of course. He doesn't back down from confrontation, so if someone gets up in his face, there will be fisticuffs. So! Let's find some skills. Let's find a way to maybe translate that to home so that the parents can feel more assured and less frazzled. Because let me tell you, saying sit down and eat 20 times in the span of 5 minutes is no fun for me. Because the things he loves doing, he's flipping brilliant at, and there's no currency that works if he can't find value in the activity. Just imagine if we could persuade him to be collaborative and social on top of creative and empathetic. We'll get this baby-activist going yet. I really would prefer he manage a path through school that doesn't involve "I HATE EVERYTHING." I'm grateful. This is a great school and a great team and I'll be able to transfer the IEP to Newton when we move.
A surprise feature of the IEP process is to carefully monitor to make sure that he is not being bullied or being the aggressor either. I think this is smart to track as part of the work. I can see him being on both sides of the equation, particularly when you toss in a fair bit of gender nonconformity. He's vulnerable and they can proceed with extra care to help re-direct and provide extra support as need be. I couldn't be happier at this point with our situation.
She said "You can't fail." ... what?! OK. That I'm exceptionally resourceful and talented, and that I'll find SOMETHING to do, and it might not be what I thought, but I'm not going to fail. Well. OK, then. I prefer this narrative. Let's go with this.
** Fun with depression: just now putting my stock in one place. Have not made much new...oh- crud. Need to finish the stuff that's sitting on my table uncooked. Uh, no prob. doot doot doot. This is me, mostly winging it and coasting on product from earlier seasons.
Tomorrow we leave for NY! Some outfits sorted, not packed, but this isn't complicated.
Job...eh..... is? We're going to have reviews next week. Whatever that means. I am not terrified of them anymore because I don't believe there's any consequences. I do my work. I do new things, there you go. I heard from colleague-friend who also applied for the municipal job (which has posted I believe 3 times now, so that's wacky) - she has gotten a second call back. To date, I have not. Not over yet, but doesn't bode well. However, I think the search committee is exceptionally keen for someone who already has experience in a municipal setting, which I flatly do not and my compatriot does. There's no guarantee that she or the other colleague I know who applied will want the work, so if both are preferred and both say no, who knows who else has popped up since I did my one interview. The second opportunity that's not quite dead but not seeming to hopeful right now is with a software company who need a community liaison. The job closed about 6 days ago, so they should be calling people. No calls for me yet. I can imagine that one got a lot of resumes, though. I'm pointing out to myself that a steady job, even one that I'm ready to leave and have been ready to leave for years, is better than no job. And I'm moving this year, after all. How much big change can one human tolerate in one year? Just keep my eyes open, is all... And not despair.
Let's call this progress.
Last week's fun-- was had in Providence. I filtered that down to a narrow read list, so if you didn't read it, sorry? The point is: it was fun and I'm glad I went. Also, sleep is for the weak.
This week's fun-- For fear of causing ridiculous envy, I may not have said loudly or broadly: I'ma gonna go to see HAMILTON on Friday! Going with ursa_cerulean , rintrahroars , and Robin. I told the kid last night I was going to NYC and he was QUITE UPSET that he was not also going. I said I'd bring him a present, and he started the bargaining process of "So, you're bringing me LEGO, right?" ::laugh:: well played, kid.
Health shenanigans-- eh? As previously mentioned, my body seems to be having an ongoing stress reaction that is mostly while I'm sleeping and presents as can't eat/often hungry/restful sleep is hard. I've seen my doctor a few times, done some blood tests. Tests came back with no indicators. I'm a healthy human according to the blood. Great. I've been on prozac now since mid March, so I feel like I've acclimatized. If I'm having a particularly crappy day/week, all I can do is sleep. And the sleep isn't really restful. The running theory is it's just a stress thing. That my body's been under enough pressure for long enough that it finally started being passive aggressive at me. I'm taking more vitamins and melatonin at bed. I don't feel sick EVERY morning anymore, so progress? I'm not actively freaking out about it. I'm also not able to say I'm actually clear of it. What can you do.
Politics-- I don't talk about it much these days, but I use The65 to give me structure. I call my legislators at the very least on Mondays and if I'm lucky at least Thursday and Friday. I went to the science rally on Saturday, despite shit weather, with the kid. I am phone banking for NEAT (National Equality Action Team) tomorrow, which I've done one other time. It hits hard on my anxiety to phone bank, but doing it a few times a year seems like a thing I can do for the greater good. I feel like it's never enough. I need to remember it's cumulative and I can't be ON every second of the day. I keep getting email from the ACLU for volunteering opportunities. I'm sure at some point something will align as it comes back around on the gui-tar.
House-- uh. Yeah, eh? We're not moving til July. Work on the Newton abode continues, slowly but surely. At some point I may start gathering boxes and putting non-essential stuff in them. (I need to actually get the Newton school registration thing going... I'm avoidy).
- Welcome to my 4 day weekend! One of the few benefits of working for an org that is so closely aligned to a christian denomination.
- I actually read most of the Dreamwidth email that came my way and very much considering giving them dollars to help support their efforts. I really like their politics.
- Thanks to those who cross posted how to get DW and LJ to cross pollinate. I did that thing. I am not planning on nuking my LJ still- it's 15 years old and I just can't bring myself to, but I"m not renewing my subscription. I haven't had the oomph to add more icons yet. Meh.
- It looks like my brain meds are evening out. Thank gods. Prozac FTW
- I'm still dealing with early morning adrenaline situations much of the time, which leads to feeling poisoned and tense and queasy. But hungry. Much of my solution involves drinking more water til I can dilute that feeling and slimfast shakes when I'm doomed. And I'm just eating less. One wondering I've been having is: peri-menopause? I need to check in w my doc. But also given how deeply far gone I was in distress wrt meds, it might just be a body needs a long reset.
- I had a really great meeting with a person who uses the DAMS software I pushed through for work in a huge rush and then looked at it and freaked out. She said almost word for word what my boss said, but since it was a fellow archivist and someone who'd been using the system for 2 years, I believed her. Basically-- I'm fine. Don't try to do everything at once. Yes, the documentation is awful and the training is a joke. Everyone thinks so and have been yelling pretty loudly about it. Just keep swimmin'. So, I can cope. For now.
- The big thing is.... I thought I'd be gone from this job by now. I've not been talking about my job hunt much but I've been in the market since last spring. My retired (and deeply missed) boss pointed out it can take up to or over a year to find a job esp if you're like me and have a lot of parameters attached (aka: I'm not moving and not buying a car). I hate feeling trapped , and it's really contributed a huge bit to my latest bout of depression. I was doing *fine* this past fall when I felt like I had a great new project (implementing Preservica), then the reality of doing it beat me down. The biggest thing about all this--- I've been at my job for 17 years now. My biggest fear is that this is the only job anyone will hire/keep me for, that it was a fluke that I have this job and I'm actually never going to make it outside my little puddle of a pond where I've gotten so complacent.
- Complacent is maybe not a great word. I have had cycles of deeply complacent, esp. when I worked by myself. But it's also been a haven of opportunity to explore, a place of stability when employment for Jaime has always been hard. There've been down-turns, several... and now I'm looking at a political climate where grants are disappearing faster than you can sneeze. Folks who do what I do are going to be losing work and the jobs that are left are going to be hard-fought for. At least I have a job. Seriously, in the grand scheme, I can live with that for now. I'll keep looking.
- Run out of time. Time to take the kid to kid-care and I have a notion to ride my bike for a long stretch :)
I've sorted out kid-care for the summer and continuing to call people who've yet to call back on the logistics. But the neighbor lady has a daycare so, no extra logistics to get the kid to/from every day. ursa_cerulean and her mom are gonna take the kid 2x a week, so that'll take some pressure off. I also can send the kid to the current after school care for a week of summer camp for the interstitial. My mom also wants to take them for a week, too.
We're waiting for school testing, too, and a final/official designation for repeating kindergarten. It's been a struggle this year, but with such a late summer birthday, it was always a risk. School has been very helpful and supportive. It's just not having all this lined up for signing up for new school stuff is stressy.
In the meantime, my stress situation has been an ongoing state of not-great to downright awful. I detailed it all a few weeks ago. Not a ton has changed beyond being given a higher dose of prozac (now 20 mg). It feels so much like a feedback loop that's primarily physical. If I could just breathe normally when I sleep, if I could get my body to relax, then I could eat like a normal human and not feel constantly on the verge of falling apart.
*meta- I can't bring myself to nuke my LJ from orbit, but note I am originating over here in DW. So be it. ::sigh::
**meta-meta: I always feel like I should have more to say, but when it comes to it, I lose my steam. I guess something's better than nothing.
Today I still felt a little queasy when I woke up but didn't linger and I wasn't fixated. Anyway- I meant to actually post this last night but then lost track.
The thing that gets me, when the anxiety brain finally turns off, I almost immediately lose track of what exactly it was that was so upsetting. I can scrounge bits and pieces together, but mostly because I've told enough people that I'm reciting it rather than remembering particularly the experience. Brains are so weird. OK. I'm tired of talking about it all... gonna go fold laundry. <3
Thank you to everyone who's been present during this. It helps.