mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)
Yes, I made a Crow reference. I'm like that sometimes. ::grin::

Stress reduction... For reals, having Jaime only be out a week of work is a huge burden lifted. I felt confident enough in the world to go buy some cheap-ish sneakers and get rid of 3 pairs of unpleasant black shoes in the same trip. My old sneakers cause my hips to hurt, so let's not wear them, eh?

Random T interaction... I had an amazing interaction with a woman on the train on the ride in this morning. It took from Alewife to Central to finish my meditation (that's 11 1/2 min, fyi, for those of you interested in the meditation OR how long it took me to get through that part of the commute... today). She was an older lady named Jane (guessing my mom's age or somewhat older). She was chatty and I was feeling chatty so why not? I actually like talking to strangers on the train if they are nice and I'm not otherwise engrossed in my own thing. It was a perfect 5 minute friendship, thus illustrating that they don't have to last forever to be worthy and valuable.  Also, I am my mother's child. So very.

Kid stuff... My kid-parenting regrooving seems to be working out so far. This is nice. I feel proud and pleased.

Work stuff... I have the office to myself due to the demands of today's schedule on the remains of our office. It's been OK. I just let myself be damn sad yesterday. Not denying or trying to tamp down my feelings was really nice.

Fun stuff...  I'm going to see the Indigo Girls with [livejournal.com profile] caulay on Thursday in Lowell and going to see the Doubleclicks at Thunderoad with [livejournal.com profile] samuraizergling and some other folks on Saturday. Yay fun! I was looking at the ticketmaster lawsuit info- turns out I've seen a LOT of shows in that time-frame. I am not certain I'll be able to use even a fraction of the settlement in the time allotted.
mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)
Today was the first visit at my doctor's office for stress management. Initially,exposition )work of the first session )
Problems to overcome )

positive reinforcement )

next steps )TL;DR? I need to reinforce my boundaries with my kid, learn to quit arguing with him, and do the hard work that needs to be done, otherwise it'll just get harder later.
mizarchivist: (Glam at 40)
I had a really great day. [livejournal.com profile] ahf is an awesome friend! I got to (as the kids say) spill some serious T at my 1:1 at work, which was rather fun, and... yeah. It's been a good day.
mizarchivist: (River/Power)
Emotional state... I really do feel like I came out from a cloud this morning. Like the fever broke. But similarly, I need to remember that after such prolonged distress, I'm not able to go do things blithely as if I've been not emotionally fevered for too long. That I could easily fall into anxiety or anger when startled. So. Don't get over-confident because I'm not spiking a 103 (again emotionally)... maybe 99.9 feels normal after that.

Contributing factor 1:  PMS snuck up on me on top of everything. I strongly feel that PMS just makes it impossible to ignore the feelings that are always there. And turns them up to 1000. The PMS fever seems to have broken, too.
Contributing factor 2: I also got at least one extra hour of sleep last night. Maybe more. The kid sashayed upstairs (sans pants) at 10pm (bedtime is 7:30-8). Clearly a sign I needed to stop watching silly TV and snuggle that kid til he was well and truly passed out. Of course I passed out, too.

TW: discussion of weight/nutritionists )

She is victorious at work
? I spent an inordinate amount of time prepping the disaster plan to get printed. It's a 50+ page document. I decided I didn't want to print it in-house and do the hole-punching and all that shit. So, I had it farmed out. Which may have well taken longer than if I'd just done it inhouse. It was the principle.
+ I got feedback from the insurance on the guide
- Thhis morning after I spend a hundred bucks to get it printed
+ Of the feedback, there were 22 points. Of those, 6 need some sort of attention, and not necessarily "OMG, this part sucks", so partial mark-off on those usually. That's AMAZING!!! Outside validation that I'm not incompetent, which makes it easier to believe. But talk about tapping into a hard-wired thing that was really fixed in when I was in grade school. My report card came in and I'm doin' alright, guys! ::Kermit flappy arms!::

Clarification on the causes of my agita
So, sure, the trans thing is a thing and influences everything on some level. But let me tell you how Jaime's financial status is what has truly driven my state of anxiety through the roof more than anything else, making it harder to cope with the other stuff that may have to do with our interpersonal stuff or trans stuff. That she is working through her list of leads for side work, that she is taking this morning to organize and make use of the tool I crafted for her (Trello board), also further calms my high tension. Because I canNot pay for all the expenses of all 2 adults and 1 child, not even. Lolz. cries. Lolz. cries. chocolate.

Last min. addition following a phone call that disrupted this post
One of my back up plan therapists got back to me- not sure how she'll be deployed (me/couples/Jaime?) but I have homework to do before our meeting, so... :)
mizarchivist: (Calvin- Well adjusted)

  • The therapist encouraged me to tell New Insurance that I'm in crisis and cannot reasonably give up my therapist who's out of network right now. OK, worth a shot. (oh yeah, meant to do that)

  • She also made me talk to the family at the same time with my outside voice to explain the degree of Not OK I am right now. Which I did and the world didn't end.

  • We are going to use a feelings board (like in pre-school) to help everyone know where others are in any given day. Asciikitty's going to come up with the board part with feels. I made (clay) magnets for everyone (of course).

  • Tomorrow I'll likely see about upping my meds to help me deal.

  • I have a hard time admitting that what I'm going through is a really big deal and extreme and super hard- I'm not literally on fire or a half a million other horrid things, so I should just .... (and here I trail off). But every time I see my therapist, who is a professional helper person and everything and her job is to be knowledgeable on such things, she points out this is a big deal, hard, and full of pretty intense, exhausting, and anxious-making things. So, it might go better to stop expecting myself to have the capacity of a not-stressed person... Like, don't be this guy:

TL:DR... working on it.
mizarchivist: (Elmo)

  • Somerville Open Studios/art/plans: total success. I enjoyed spending the weekend with [livejournal.com profile] mangosteen and [livejournal.com profile] lifecollage. I've now done enough craft fairs in the last several years to master the zen this time around. Historically I get quite frenetic about making new product. Not this time. I did maybe 8 pieces since Arisia, and that was fine. I was focused on being present and not on sales, so the fact I did quite well was made that much more. I very much hope this works out again next year.  Most notably, I sold my last dragon tin. I have no more dragons! I must make more!! Any suggestions on color themes welcome. I may ignore them, but consider that survey open. Future plans for projects involve using peanut butter/mason jars. I've done a few here and there. They look cool and are a different sort of functionality to boxes. Also, we have an almost never-ending regeneration of empty jars.

  • Cope: (or lack thereof) Events like craft fairs steal whatever cope and energy I'd normally have. Today I feel like I've been beaten with sticks, hence me updating rather than trying to be a productive member of the staff. I'm also just low on cope. The spectre of no formal income for Jaime is a Thing of Awful. Not knowing when The Good Health Insurance (and access to my therapists) is a huge stress. (more on the progress side in a sec). The stress is causing everyone at home to be ragged around the edges and harder for me to forgive stupid shit, be present, ... you know. The usual. I am one fuck-up away from a crying jag kind of all the time.

  • Jaime/Job/Prospects:. Her interview mid last week went well at academic institution (my alma mater, btw). They are coming up hard against commencement and then summer clean up, so they'll need a Jaime asap. It's a 2nd shift job, which would present a new set of challenges, but steady, full time, permanent, unionized work. In the meantime, the tribe did the tribe thing and Jaime has about a dozen leads to follow up on for side work. I introduced Jaime to the tool, Trello, to keep track of the leads and then forced her to sit down today after lunch so I could walk through it with her to cement in the notion of using it.

  • Kid: His teacher thinks he should see a therapist. I'm looking into it via the pediatrician from the list available to use through new insurance. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I think he's just 4 and surrounded by stressed people, but also his daddy is a lady, and maybe he might want to process that with someone not his teacher and not his parent. Otherwise, we are doing OK? He and [livejournal.com profile] asciikitty had an awesome adventure that lasted most of yesterday and involved walking all the way back from [livejournal.com profile] lifecollage's house to our house. He and I played "store" the other night with his pretend food and cardboard pavers. [Dad loves to tell the story of me playing "bartender" when I was his age. When we moved into the house they're still in, there was a bar in the basement. I'd set up, offer to pour drinks, ask to hear about my customer's problems, and offer cliche aphorisms in response all the while wiping down the bar with a rag. Dad has NO idea where this came from. Kids are weird and awesome]

  • Travel/visits: My dad'll be here this weekend. Mom will be here in early June. Jaime/Kid/I will head to Ohio in early Sept to visit family. October I'll be back again for [livejournal.com profile] jedipartner1967's wedding (!!). All other vacation time is allotted to cover when the public school is closed this fall. There's a lot of one-off days and vacations, and no idea what Jaime's free time will be like, so have to assume it's me covering.... for now.

  • Cultural: Seeing Arcadia with Dad and ascii this weekend; Swan Lake with coworkers on the 13th; rollerskating on the 21st with [livejournal.com profile] sweetmmeblue and [livejournal.com profile] ahf (yes, I call that cultural); Brandi Carlile with [livejournal.com profile] caulay in early June; Doubleclicks in late June... It feels like a lot. I want to go see Verse and Vodka coming up, but I feel overwhelmed, dammit.

  • Work: not much? I'm sort of in a lull. One coworker's been out due to vacation then illness then workshop, so generally quieter than usual. My intern is done for the semester. I expect things will pick up soon.

mizarchivist: (Bike wheel)

Did I mention I have been doing a lot of walking lately? Primarily the morning commute-- that it's not that hard to take the bus, drop off the kid, and walk to Alewife. It gives me a bit of time to really move. My average is about 20-25 min. to get the mile+, which is just as good if not markedly better than waiting for and then sitting on a slow bus. If nothing else, I'm in charge of my pace rather than being trapped and waiting to go.
But bike! [livejournal.com profile] asciikitty's mom fixed up my bike, which was thrashed to hell and back. This was the first week I had a chance to use it for the commute. It's.... OK? Nice not to be beholden to the to-the-school bus, and it only takes about 10-15 to do the return to Alewife, but I genuinely missed the walking bit, so today I chose that instead of the bike and was quite happy.

Did I mention, I'm walking to Mordor and back with [livejournal.com profile] asciikitty's D&D friends? There's a spreadsheet (of course there is) and the company's cumulative daily miles walked go towards the goal. A. said that bike counts, too, and by extension if that's true, then skating counts. Turns out leaving your phone in your pocket triggers the pedometer when skating. Mwahhahahaaa!!!  I mean, I'd already made a commitment to walk 4 miles minimum most days, and adding bike miles puts me over 6. It's all quite fun. I am taking a ridiculous amount of pride in being the top walker of the company. Turns out I am a bit competitive. I sort of forgot about that.

OH, and [livejournal.com profile] samuraizergling and I went skating last Friday out at Rollerworld (hence me finding out about the pedometer). Some skaters had GROUND LIGHT EFFECTS. I inquired. I got some of my own. The problem is, I'm not entirely certain how to accomplish the effect on my own. Getting Jaime to do that may work? Maybe. I need to implicitly ask if she can get on that today/tomorrow so when A. and I go skating THIS Saturday it'll be working. (Also, skating! Yay!) They were so effing cool.
So funny to be at the rink when it's not a private party I'm ostensibly throwing. So many teens, so many small humans falling down left and right. I have (knock wood) just sailed through, serenely. But also so odd to feel so young and know that all but maybe 3 people out on the rink are of an age to be my own kid. Not just my own kid, but my kid had whilst married. I ridiculously hope that if I am observed at all, I am considered a cool old person by the whippersnappers.
Skate skate skate!

mizarchivist: (Calvin- Well adjusted)
I'm having a hard day (again). Yesterday was hard, too.
Now I'm staring at the screen and don't know what to say, that whatever I say will be dumb.

I am trying to remind myself that this transition thing is not a linear progression. There's backtracking all the time, and I feel like I'm in a backtrack spot.  Nothing helped by a double-dose of PMS and a heaping blanket of "I hate February, because it's cold and gray."

But. We have a visitor this weekend, Tom from the UK. He's one of our favorite people and he's staying at our house and hanging out, drinking tea, and telling ridiculous stories. It's good.

Anyway. note to self: it'll be OK. You'll feel better soon. Treat yourself more kindly. DEPRESSION LIES.
mizarchivist: (Fingers Crossed)
It was haircut and dinner with [livejournal.com profile] drwex this week. This has been an excellent new tradition that guarantees we have an activity to look forward to every other month that gets us out of our hermit and day to day pattern: go feel good about our hair style with Dale at DHR, then catch up over dinner. Win.

He was a most excellent human and was game for me to walk through my anxiety and frustrations on how to adult and how to talk like an adult (and lately? Feeling like I was failing at that)  My go-to for conflict resolution was to use "I" statements. These are better than accusatory "you" statements, but still do not lead the listening party to necessarily feel heard or feel like they have an active role in the conversation.  So, what instead?  He's done a lot of work lately and was able to share what he's figured out. So, a list of things to do instead...

  • Identify common goals. Frame issues in that way in "it will help me meet our common goals if you can help me with..."  And/or see if something can be agreed on "We may not agree on X but do we at least see that Y is something we want?"

  • Listen to what the person is telling you and echo back what they say

  • Ask them if that's right

  • Find out what they need to move forward (and meet goals)

  • BATNA: Best alternative to negotiated agreement. I'm still struggling a lot with how to sort out my BATNA for any sort of situation. I understand that deploying a BATNA is rarely fun or good, but that it's important to feel like you have a choice, and that sometimes the BATNA is just that: the best alternative.

  • In the meantime, do not lose focus on the victories.

  • Progress is not a straight line up and forward. Expect sometimes it won't work out

  • (therefore) Do not expect to be able to have my new tools work for me each time. Be willing to implement bits piecemeal.

  • Remember my OWN advice to myself: be patient and gentle with yourself and others.

Source for most of these suggestions

I want to treat this as a reminder to myself, this post. If anyone wants to clarify or add, if I think it'll work for me, I'll edit them in for future reference.
These tools are my security blanket. It gives me hope and makes me feel like I'm not a horrible incompetant who's just making everything around her worse. So, Wex: you are the hero of the revolution. Mwah!
mizarchivist: (Boxes)
I should be writing up my notes from the last 2 days, but I've been on IM instead and generally feeling emotionally flayed from all the interacdtions and eye contact. So much has happened that I think I can only do the big overview and then I may be able to add stuff later, but if nothing else if you are interested in a particular thing, feel free to ask me to elaborate. Possibly even in person, if I ever come  out of hiding after I get back home.

  • The childhood friends: all 3 in one place with me for a mini reunion that defies superlatives.

  • Losing my internal sensor almost immediately upon arrival (primarily from that mini reunion)

  • Marathon day at the conference, hitting later afternoon and experiencing this surreal state of cascading epiphanies and clarity.

  • Writing the draft to an article I want to expand on describing the big deal stuff going on with work project(s). More to the point, having encouragement from Leader In Field suggest I write it

  • Diving into twitter, gaining almost double the followers I had last week (36 to 61? It's odd)

  • Getting a ton of support from a ton of people who are more convinced of my capacity than I am

  • Lots and lots of good learning moments

  • Rock n Roll hall of fame visit

  • Visiting with [livejournal.com profile] jedipartner1967 (short short form: home from hospital, doing super well!!)

  • The kid and his grandpa and the extended time together while the wimmin folk worked

  • Looking forward to a low-key social on Sunday in the back yard

  • Looks like Grace and Amy will be visiting me in Boston in November. That's going to be epic. Prep the bail money now.

OK. That'll have to do for now.
mizarchivist: (Evil Laugh)
I seem to be primarily snarky and ranty and argumentative today (and possibly the last few days). It's not my favorite feel.

In potentially related news, I acquired my first smart phone yesterday. It's an iphone 5. Given how much I loathe little keyboards, and the bit where I am usually near a fully functional and full sized computer most of the time, I do not think I'll start being evangelical about it just yet. I mean, I got an ipod touch a year+ ago... it's nice! ...when it works. But it's not yet grafted to my person. My mother reports the sound quality of an actual phone call (because it turns out phones are still used for that antiquted method of communication... did I mention snarky? OK, good). And for that reason alone, my residual reservations started to evaporate.
I got the ibus MBTA app, although I will drop a whole other dollar on a better one if there's a recommendation out there. This one turns out not to have all the features I was hoping it would, so I encourage sharing on this point. I've not done much else other than QA-ed my phone list to make sure everything was there before I deep-6ed the flip phone.  Given I have 2 more trips this summer, and both work-based, I wanted to be more flexible in the tools that make travel and convention-going easier.

I had a nice evening at home- a young friend is working on putting his life together after  a rough year+ and is willing to do some babysitting. So, to minimize the *OMG NO* that I've been dealing with whenever we get a sitter, praps better if the kid hangs out with said future sitter with no pressure. You know? Also help the young friend acclimate to watching this preschooler who was practically an infant the last time he was on the babysitter roster. It went well- I got to eat my dinner without being forced to chase the kid and the big boy and little boy were pleased with each other.
mizarchivist: (Calvin- Well adjusted)
I told my coworkers I'd be out for a week in July because of nose surgery. In talking about the 6 day recovery estimate, I note that I'm going to be miserable. My quasi-nemesis coworker (the one who works 2x harder than a full time at part time and expects the rest of us to be just as driven and perfectionist...)
She says, "What? From that kind of surgery? Well, with an attiude like that, I guess you will be then."
discussion of surgeries and feels. )
So, yes. It might not be so bad. Great! Then I can be pleasantly surprised (which is the only "come back" I had in the heat of the moment). Someday, I'd really like to find a way to tell her that when she says things like that It's hard not to feel like she's dismissing my anxiety and feelings in general. That I should magically just not feel that way.  I am ready to move on from this job. So very much.
mizarchivist: (Calvin- Well adjusted)

I’ve been giving a LOT of money away lately. At least by my standards. Of course there are more opportunities and need for me to participate further. A list of stuff I've already given money to in the last 1 week to six months:

  • floating friend's visit to Boston (not all covered by my own fundraiser for this purpose)

  • friends with cancer

  • random strangers/kids with cancer who are friends of friends

  • friends in the hospital

  • Syrian refugees

  • Ongoing (small) monthly donations to Planned Parenthood and some Patreon stuff for favorite Youtubers.

Things I have been thinking about that could use more help:

  • Friends whose house burned down

  • Nerdfighter efforts for Syrian kids

  • friend of friend whose currently homeless.

Nope, can’t do it. Can’t give anymore right now. I think I need to start planning X amount a month and just have a list. If something comes in after I've spent that month's allotment, it goes on the list. Chances are better than zero I can wait 3 weeks or so to give to something.

I need to remember at least I can give. I've worked very hard to minimize my outstanding debt. I can give some. I just need to not let my impulses return me to a ridiculously indebted state. ::mutter mutter bleeding heart libreral mutter mutter::
mizarchivist: (Eddie-Cake or Death?)

[I acknowledge here, I am reinventing the wheel-- I’m mostly writing this for my own remembering later]

When they say 3 is hard, I don’t think you can quite comprehend that on a bone-deep level until you find yourself arguing with your mini-me over the most ridiculous shit. The thing I’ve come to learn is for every “no” I say, he will always be able to come back one more time. The energizer bunny of argument (This isn’t an argument, this is abuse!... oh lord, so true)

I'm going to ramble for a while about parenting now. )Please let my new leaf stay turned. I hated Sunday.
mizarchivist: (Kitty Jedi Mind Trick)
It's spring.
I'm restless.

I'm sure nothing at all bad will transpire given that.

ETA: seriously. It feels like my blood is screaming.
mizarchivist: (ExecutiveEddie)
I'm having a good day. Manic, for sure... I am super-focused and when I start talking, I have a hard time stopping. But with all this positive energy, it's a huge rush! I suspect I'll crash out from all the expended mental energy before the end of the day, but right now it's totally worth it.

The major factor is that I had a hard interaction last night and the requisite hard conversations that were last night and again this morning. The content of that is not particularly important in this story, but what is was that I was able to express myself in the post-mortem clearly. I was able to indicate what I think went well and what I think was not healthy to the other person's choices. This is something that is monumentally hard for me to do, thanks to decades of conditioning and reinforcement.  I am not sure I have ever had such a clear-cut "victory" in using my words effectively on encouraging healthy communication and reinforcing my boundaries. My therapist (and how many of my friends? ::looks at [livejournal.com profile] lifecollage in particular::) has of course chided/encouraged me to do so, but fear won out pretty much every other time. What the fear doesn't want you to realize, is that if you actually succeed in doing the hard thing, you come out the other side feeling satisfied, vindicated... in my case today, feeling bullet-proof.

That bullet-proof translated into being excited and ready to work today. I managed to get most of this out (again, thanks to [livejournal.com profile] lifecollage who joined me for the commute in) so I didn't feel a compulsive need to write all this out first thing. So, I'm really happy with how much I've done with today. I've had unbelievably great conversations with my intern and my colleague's intern. I signed up for some professional development for June that I'm rather pleased by. I went out at lunch and bought replacement glasses. They'll look almost exactly like my old ones without the liability of being approximately 4-5 years old. Sadly, they were a bit too expensive for me to also get sunglasses at the same time. I will go to the internets for that.

Moral of the story: Don't let fear own you. When you get it right, it's really worth it on the other side of the brave thing.
mizarchivist: (KnitMe)
Please. For the love of ALL that is holy. Do not ask me to knit you anything in exchange for barter unless you have something to offer of equal value. Something that is permanent that I can keep. Offering to barter in the moment services, like massage or babysitting is never ever in a zillion quadrillion years be worth it to me. Ever. Because it will take at minimum a week, maybe two (socks/hand warmers/scarf/cowl) or a month or three (blanket or sweater). I'm either going to have to make it in advance or follow up far after the fact from the service being offered by the other party. The thing I'm going to get is going to be an hour or two of your time, possibly a few times, but very very fleeting.  And you're going to get to keep a thing that I just spent days/weeks/months working on.  This doesn't feel equitable. I am SO happy that I just figured out why I have such a visceral reaction to this suggestion.

Further, because it's not remotely obvious unless you live inside my own head-- I don't actually enjoy knitting as much as my other crafts like clay or spinning or painting. Partially because I usually have to continue knitting far beyond the point of enjoyment. I get bored 75% of the way through, which is not true for the other 3 mentioned crafts. In socks, it's right after I turn the second heel and have to keep going. Also. Often-times, it has to fit someone. Pretty much everything but a blanket or scarf requires it fitting, so ... you know. No pressure. That means I make you something it must mean I really like you. I like you for you enough to knit you a thing that may have caused me a great deal of irritation and boredom for a few hours... or a week. So, if I'm voluntarily making you a thing, that's cool! My choice, and my timeline (usually). But when you make it transactional, it removes the majority of the fun and puts 500% more pressure.

Also, insert yadda yadda links to already published articles and blogs about the chronic undervaluing of women's work over the centuries... etc.

This has been your pubic service announcement for the day! Thanks for reading.
Feb. 19th, 2015 01:55 pm


mizarchivist: (Elmo)
I am grumpy.
But I also finished my part of the Big Project that has had me crying into my beverage for the last month. I'm too fatigued to appreciate this victory.

I'm giving my hormones a suspicious side-eye here.
But also 6 feet of snow is enough to get a girl down.
Feb. 10th, 2015 01:49 pm

This snow.

mizarchivist: (Calvin- Well adjusted)
I am sitting here, catching up on LJ and will try to catch up on other social media, too, and I realized something that made me stop reading and start writing.
We are on our 6th snow day in what, 20 days? Plus I had Friday off to travel to Ohio (it went well), and there was Arisia before that, which was yet another 4 day weekend. I haven't had a normal week in so long, I have forgotten what normal is. And with all this time at home, I am almost incapable of remotely keeping up with social media, since I can't do that on a good week. But it means I'm more isolated, but also almost NEVER alone. I'm alone right now and oh it's so nice. Except when it isn't, and I'm just stuck at home with a 3 year old and some number of my family.

I need to be able to go to work. Because remember all that stuff that's been going on there? Yeah, and I've lost over a week now to being out and snow to a tight schedule.

[I wish I could be more coherent, but I had to write something before I lost track, but now I want to go read again]
mizarchivist: (Rosie)
In light of ongoing conversations about what to to about GamerGate, I've had more thoughts. Like in many big and uncomfortable conversations about various Isms, it's exceptionally easy to fall into an Us and Them camp. They're monsters. Trolls. Gorillas... something other than evolved and evolving human. I am not the first or the last to take the time to point out that dehumanizing and Them-ing is a fantastic way to perpetuate what's broken. The "them" get a free pass because they can't help it, can't possibly be reasoned with, change, find empathy, so why bother? ...
It's easy to go there. Just about the whole society is built around going there. Popular culture/movies/books they are all about big, dramatic stories with obvious villains and heroes. "News" outlets (ones that go ringading ding ding gering a ding ding, for example) will manufacture ways to make it us and them. In the heat of the moment, living with instant gratification of the internet? Sure, it's easy as hell to go there. So let's be subversive and not make that the first stop on the hyperbole train. Keep subverting that dominant paradigm.
Because let me tell you how we are all evolving. None of us are exempt from those moments of- not thinking something through, not comprehending the consequences of actions or attitudes. Let me tell you how I want to craw under a rock and never come out when I look back at how wholly ignorant I was about, say, being trans. But more than just that, on sexism and misogyny. On racism. (I could go on) I'm mortified by what I used to be. I would like to believe that I am a generally good person who is trying to do right by my community and myself. And I am grateful for the opportunity to NOT be that person I was 10 years ago. Or even 5 years ago. I'm grateful that my friends are willing to nudge (or bonk) me towards a more enlightened path. And I know I have room to learn more, I'm not remotely done. I realize not everyone will have the good intentions I believe myself to have. Or have the willingness to change. But when we start believing they are a Them and incapable of change, we're humped. And so are the younger set who have to keep cleaning up the messes we have been making on this earth.


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