But I can't because I'm at work today. That was not ideal. But. Here we are.
But I can't because I'm at work today. That was not ideal. But. Here we are.
Don't mind me, I'll just be rocking and giggling in (potential) terror in the corner. And grateful as HELL for the insurance we have. Sigh. And a reminder to keep fighting (call, call, call, call, CALL) for universal health care. Nobody should have to choose between one's health or a kid's health and basic day to day living.
Or you know, just fully anxious about all the things. Schrodinger's job opportunity is now eating my brain (I will NEVER get this job, the job is already mine)....
What I woke up to this morning (which is super cute)-
kid doing... something. Setting up a "surprise" for me. OK? I let this play out. I'm suspicious, though. Turns out it was a tea party with (a LOT) of sliced up bananas. And pretend tea. It was great.
She said "You can't fail." ... what?! OK. That I'm exceptionally resourceful and talented, and that I'll find SOMETHING to do, and it might not be what I thought, but I'm not going to fail. Well. OK, then. I prefer this narrative. Let's go with this.
Tomorrow we leave for NY! Some outfits sorted, not packed, but this isn't complicated.
Job...eh..... is? We're going to have reviews next week. Whatever that means. I am not terrified of them anymore because I don't believe there's any consequences. I do my work. I do new things, there you go. I heard from colleague-friend who also applied for the municipal job (which has posted I believe 3 times now, so that's wacky) - she has gotten a second call back. To date, I have not. Not over yet, but doesn't bode well. However, I think the search committee is exceptionally keen for someone who already has experience in a municipal setting, which I flatly do not and my compatriot does. There's no guarantee that she or the other colleague I know who applied will want the work, so if both are preferred and both say no, who knows who else has popped up since I did my one interview. The second opportunity that's not quite dead but not seeming to hopeful right now is with a software company who need a community liaison. The job closed about 6 days ago, so they should be calling people. No calls for me yet. I can imagine that one got a lot of resumes, though. I'm pointing out to myself that a steady job, even one that I'm ready to leave and have been ready to leave for years, is better than no job. And I'm moving this year, after all. How much big change can one human tolerate in one year? Just keep my eyes open, is all... And not despair.
Let's call this progress.
Last week's fun-- was had in Providence. I filtered that down to a narrow read list, so if you didn't read it, sorry? The point is: it was fun and I'm glad I went. Also, sleep is for the weak.
This week's fun-- For fear of causing ridiculous envy, I may not have said loudly or broadly: I'ma gonna go to see HAMILTON on Friday! Going with ursa_cerulean , rintrahroars , and Robin. I told the kid last night I was going to NYC and he was QUITE UPSET that he was not also going. I said I'd bring him a present, and he started the bargaining process of "So, you're bringing me LEGO, right?" ::laugh:: well played, kid.
Health shenanigans-- eh? As previously mentioned, my body seems to be having an ongoing stress reaction that is mostly while I'm sleeping and presents as can't eat/often hungry/restful sleep is hard. I've seen my doctor a few times, done some blood tests. Tests came back with no indicators. I'm a healthy human according to the blood. Great. I've been on prozac now since mid March, so I feel like I've acclimatized. If I'm having a particularly crappy day/week, all I can do is sleep. And the sleep isn't really restful. The running theory is it's just a stress thing. That my body's been under enough pressure for long enough that it finally started being passive aggressive at me. I'm taking more vitamins and melatonin at bed. I don't feel sick EVERY morning anymore, so progress? I'm not actively freaking out about it. I'm also not able to say I'm actually clear of it. What can you do.
Politics-- I don't talk about it much these days, but I use The65 to give me structure. I call my legislators at the very least on Mondays and if I'm lucky at least Thursday and Friday. I went to the science rally on Saturday, despite shit weather, with the kid. I am phone banking for NEAT (National Equality Action Team) tomorrow, which I've done one other time. It hits hard on my anxiety to phone bank, but doing it a few times a year seems like a thing I can do for the greater good. I feel like it's never enough. I need to remember it's cumulative and I can't be ON every second of the day. I keep getting email from the ACLU for volunteering opportunities. I'm sure at some point something will align as it comes back around on the gui-tar.
House-- uh. Yeah, eh? We're not moving til July. Work on the Newton abode continues, slowly but surely. At some point I may start gathering boxes and putting non-essential stuff in them. (I need to actually get the Newton school registration thing going... I'm avoidy).
- Welcome to my 4 day weekend! One of the few benefits of working for an org that is so closely aligned to a christian denomination.
- I actually read most of the Dreamwidth email that came my way and very much considering giving them dollars to help support their efforts. I really like their politics.
- Thanks to those who cross posted how to get DW and LJ to cross pollinate. I did that thing. I am not planning on nuking my LJ still- it's 15 years old and I just can't bring myself to, but I"m not renewing my subscription. I haven't had the oomph to add more icons yet. Meh.
- It looks like my brain meds are evening out. Thank gods. Prozac FTW
- I'm still dealing with early morning adrenaline situations much of the time, which leads to feeling poisoned and tense and queasy. But hungry. Much of my solution involves drinking more water til I can dilute that feeling and slimfast shakes when I'm doomed. And I'm just eating less. One wondering I've been having is: peri-menopause? I need to check in w my doc. But also given how deeply far gone I was in distress wrt meds, it might just be a body needs a long reset.
- I had a really great meeting with a person who uses the DAMS software I pushed through for work in a huge rush and then looked at it and freaked out. She said almost word for word what my boss said, but since it was a fellow archivist and someone who'd been using the system for 2 years, I believed her. Basically-- I'm fine. Don't try to do everything at once. Yes, the documentation is awful and the training is a joke. Everyone thinks so and have been yelling pretty loudly about it. Just keep swimmin'. So, I can cope. For now.
- The big thing is.... I thought I'd be gone from this job by now. I've not been talking about my job hunt much but I've been in the market since last spring. My retired (and deeply missed) boss pointed out it can take up to or over a year to find a job esp if you're like me and have a lot of parameters attached (aka: I'm not moving and not buying a car). I hate feeling trapped , and it's really contributed a huge bit to my latest bout of depression. I was doing *fine* this past fall when I felt like I had a great new project (implementing Preservica), then the reality of doing it beat me down. The biggest thing about all this--- I've been at my job for 17 years now. My biggest fear is that this is the only job anyone will hire/keep me for, that it was a fluke that I have this job and I'm actually never going to make it outside my little puddle of a pond where I've gotten so complacent.
- Complacent is maybe not a great word. I have had cycles of deeply complacent, esp. when I worked by myself. But it's also been a haven of opportunity to explore, a place of stability when employment for Jaime has always been hard. There've been down-turns, several... and now I'm looking at a political climate where grants are disappearing faster than you can sneeze. Folks who do what I do are going to be losing work and the jobs that are left are going to be hard-fought for. At least I have a job. Seriously, in the grand scheme, I can live with that for now. I'll keep looking.
- Run out of time. Time to take the kid to kid-care and I have a notion to ride my bike for a long stretch :)
I've sorted out kid-care for the summer and continuing to call people who've yet to call back on the logistics. But the neighbor lady has a daycare so, no extra logistics to get the kid to/from every day. ursa_cerulean and her mom are gonna take the kid 2x a week, so that'll take some pressure off. I also can send the kid to the current after school care for a week of summer camp for the interstitial. My mom also wants to take them for a week, too.
We're waiting for school testing, too, and a final/official designation for repeating kindergarten. It's been a struggle this year, but with such a late summer birthday, it was always a risk. School has been very helpful and supportive. It's just not having all this lined up for signing up for new school stuff is stressy.
In the meantime, my stress situation has been an ongoing state of not-great to downright awful. I detailed it all a few weeks ago. Not a ton has changed beyond being given a higher dose of prozac (now 20 mg). It feels so much like a feedback loop that's primarily physical. If I could just breathe normally when I sleep, if I could get my body to relax, then I could eat like a normal human and not feel constantly on the verge of falling apart.
*meta- I can't bring myself to nuke my LJ from orbit, but note I am originating over here in DW. So be it. ::sigh::
**meta-meta: I always feel like I should have more to say, but when it comes to it, I lose my steam. I guess something's better than nothing.
Today I still felt a little queasy when I woke up but didn't linger and I wasn't fixated. Anyway- I meant to actually post this last night but then lost track.
The thing that gets me, when the anxiety brain finally turns off, I almost immediately lose track of what exactly it was that was so upsetting. I can scrounge bits and pieces together, but mostly because I've told enough people that I'm reciting it rather than remembering particularly the experience. Brains are so weird. OK. I'm tired of talking about it all... gonna go fold laundry. <3
Thank you to everyone who's been present during this. It helps.
I feel like I have nothing to talk about other than my anxiety. Very little is interesting, positively distracting. Thank the gods asciikitty handed me a book that is holding my attention, because until then it had been all entertainment is not working for me (TV, crafts, books)- everything feels hard. I'm not terribly interested in climbing, even- especially when it feels like I'm poisoned by all the adrenaline. It makes me feel weak and that's not a good feel for climbing.
Work can sometimes keep my mind off of it, but it's also filled with a lot of negative stress. I have fantasies about a rich person who needs my skillset and hires me to be me and solve problems and do stuff for them.
Kid- very hard at the moment. Had a meeting with school today to try to come up with new solutions. Waiting for their turn in the queue for testing, so that doesn't happen til May. But feeling awful/anxious about this a lot of the time. Definitely moving forward on repeating Kindergarten next year.
Friends and family- I swear everyone's been so good to me. Jaime's been as present as she can be, Fubar and asciikitty are heroes. So many people checking in on me and being sweet and lovely. Weasels are trying to convince me I'm not worth the trouble and that I'm a lost cause and that eventually everyone will be fed up and leave me to my state of disarray.
Sleep? So much. Too much?
Sneaking suspicion- I'm wondering if I'm just a bit congested, holding my breath while I sleep, and in doing so having a ton of adrenaline dump in to remind me to breathe. I started retaking nose spray a few days ago and Claritin this morning.
But? This moment? I actually feel OK. I'll take it. I should eat something while I can.
Next: see doctor tonight, brain storm about wtf and meds.
(Edit): All I know is that I spend a lot of time feeling lost and scared, overwhelmed and beyond help and so so so boring.
Today's a feeling mopey day. (Got to visit with someone I rather like yesterday, but It's Complicated tm. Not much to be done. I don't really want to talk about it here, but I do. Did I mention complicated?) Then follow up from this year's Confessional) caused me to grin and blush a fair bit. Because apparently it's a year where I was gifted my very own thread. So, if any of the anon commenters are reading here... hi! I deeply appreciate being appreciated. I'm still bone-deep intrigued by people carrying torches for apparently decades. I realize some things are not meant to be known by the object 'pon which one crushes, but ... well, you know. CURIOUS!
(GAH!, naughty dreamwidth, which publishes the post when you hit enter when putting in tags. )
What else? Everything, nothing?
House- I've not mentioned much here, but I'm about to be a home-owner. asciiktty's parents' house will soon be my family's house. It's exciting! It's on the Newton/Watertown line, and will not transfer residence until after the end of the school year.
Work? Still not king. But got rolling on Preservica. Had my first training (finally) today, and soon it'll be a going concern. I'm also working on cleaning up within the Records Management part of my life, which goes with an Asset Management System.
Kid- Doing OK. Very 5. I haven't had the energy to post here, but dealing with gender expression and declared self "Girl" in the fall, which has been persistent ever since. (I need more long sleeve dresses for her). Looks like repeating kindergarten is for sure going to happen. No surprise. If she were 3 weeks younger, she'd have been in pre-K again this year. I'm calling this the practice year- get the notions of what is expected sorted out and then work on academic benchmarks.
Wife- EMPLOYED! That happened uh, about a week and a half ago? No, 2 weeks ago exactly. They called on a Monday for the next day. that's the union for you, friends. She's still looking for work that doesn't involve wearing a tool belt and hauling particle board. She's also being happy and ridiculous at a new person. I'm full of compersion for her. He's a nice guy and lives in Dorchester.
Health/physicality- been climbing still, not enough. I need to ping CRG and put a hold on my membership. I can't do all the things, as it turns out. When I live in Newton, that'll likely be my default gym since they have a location about 2 mi from my new house.
I also have been participating in StepBet, because asciikitty is an enabler. That has gamified my activity just enough to keep me from slipping. I'm starting to feel like there's some difference. My goal is to have my utilikilt fit me as it should again.
Fam- I got to visit family in the Hudson Valley a few weeks ago, and then my parents visited this past weekend. The NY trip was to see my aunt in Our Town. My mom's younger sister. My mom, my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Will plus ersatz-Aunt Susan (I actually have an actual aunt by that name, just to confuse things), plus theatrical aunt's two adult kids were on site. Jaime and Kid also came with. it was quite an impromptu reunion and I was happy for the chance.
My parents had been planning on visiting me this weekend for a while. Mom's a huge advocate of vacation rentals, a good way to get a decent place near my house but not IN my house to take some pressure off those family members who might not be that social, the fact that the house is big, but that with guests it no longer feels adequate. Can allow for the dog to come if they want (not this time). It's overall a good thing. This time we went to Newburyport and got a beach house. Yes, tons of snow on the ground, but it was still delightful. The house itself was one that I'd very much like to rent again for a fun get-away for adults (sans parents or kids). It had a great aesthetic and a very nicely stocked kitchen with sharp knives and quality cook wear.
exposition( Read more... )
accommodation: ( Read more... )
Outings (not necessarily in chronological order):( Read more... )
food:( Read more... )
Nice brain, good brain (and summing up):( Read more... )
TL: DR? Everyone had a great time. We saw pretty fish, swam, saw volcanoes, drank COFFEE, enjoyed getting souvenirs, and it's a damn miracle we came home at all. Feel free to ask me to see pictures if you're into that sort of thing. I by default don't offer them in case you're one of the ones who finds looking at vacation pictures depressing. (ETA): Also, I'm giving myself a gold star for knowing enough HTML/LJ code to put in cuts, because this did run quite long. Go me! I know things!!
Then I went to a webinar and my outlook on EVERYTHING is improved. Webinar was about implementing a digital asset management system (DAMS). There's more context to this, but I cannot possibly tell you now. I just needed to do a quick check in on the bit where I'm feeling like a different person for the best.
(EDIT): FYI-- I've yet to see this new "heart" feature. I think my customized look masks it. It does not tell me who is hearting things, so it's essentially anonymous input. You are *welcome* to give me anonymous support. I wanted to make sure them's who use this new feature know I have NFC who's being kind :)
The care and feeding of a vending artist:
Thank you for coming! It may seem easy and fun and like a party, but I am rarely able to focus on any one person during the event. I'm pretty much working. It's fun work, but I only do this one or two times a year and it's my opportunity to make back the money I sink into my art.
1. Please don't socialize in front of my table. Step to one side so the shy / stranger can walk through.
2. Don't feel bad if you can't buy something. You don't have to justify your choices. I'm just glad to see you
3. Don't feel slighted if I can't talk to you. I need to be in retail/host mode.
4. By all means ask if I've remembered to eat. / help me get a snack if I need it.
5. By all means spread the word about Arlington Open Studios 2016.
I am unable to feel this latest one yet. So, working on self-care:
-brought food and water to homeless in the Common
-allowed myself some hours at work to just be
-now going to focus on some real and useful work that needs doing.
-going to listen to some very chill music
-connecting with friends and hearing how they are
What is your self-care right now?
( This is what we reviewed/ I learned )
So what does this mean for me?
I am dealing with some bone-deep default settings that swing me into passive land. It never occured to me to question this as a problem or something that needed evaluation. It's how I've always been, as far as I know. So, on a good day, I will think to check in and not assume things, but when I'm having a bad day and feeling insecure, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry, it's easy for me to fall into traps: Don't be a nuisance; If someone's engrossed, they don't want to be bothered; Carry all that emotional labor and then some. It was hard to come to the realization I was sabotaging myself (oh look: making judgements about my sense of self rather than seeing it as revising skills...) I am getting over that initial reaction. Bring on the skills!
- stop being afraid of others' potential anger or disapproval and find out what's really going on.
- be fully present when listening to someone (I will rehearse, judge, problem-solve, or placate pretty easily)
- advocate for myself if I feel like I'm not being heard
- do not deny my own needs for so long I go into crisis and can no longer talk effectively.
- Puff ball prize seems to be working. I've adapted the original idea slightly. The every day jar is smallish jam size (1 1/4 cups?), which is a bit over a week to fill. About 2, I think? He's lost a lot of puffs, so hard to say. From there, we will empty that into a quart size, hopefully month-ish. There will be another prize when that gets filled. When the quart is filled, it goes into the gallon (ish) size, which is the year. The ultimate goal is going to Hawaii! He can "earn" his way to the tropical paradise. We'll see how it plays out, but so far the collective familial opinion is that this is a good system.
- Focusing on effective over right
- Being careful not to capitulate (subset of previous point)- so, if I'm saying NO that remains no.
- Have been doing the Headspace-lead meditation. I actually started it over again after comleting the 10 day course yesterday (I was not hitting it on weekends, but hey, some is better than none)
- Kid has provided some thoughts on rewards for good behavior. Our beach trip Sunday will be his first, as he filled the "week" sized jar
- The "say it once" has been the hardest, I think. The kid can argue like woah. I will keep on it.
- Notice I'm doing it
- Stop and check in with myself what's triggered this
- Answer the inquiries made above (ex: Would I say this to someone I love? ...No, of course not." Or, "What are my options? How would I like to respond?... " <- and answering that)
- Relax and distract: go for a walk, meditate, focus on something else.
This was a great session. I walked in feeling very frustrated and left feeling like I had real tools to get on with what I needed to do. I'm interested in talking offline with people on all this, if it comes up, by the way. Or in comments!