( Read more... )So, all will be well come the end of July.
( Read more... )So, all will be well come the end of July.
So far the day's OK. The kid is allowed to watch as much TV as he wants and eat all the popsicles. Explanation- we're going to take a picture of your brain (look of horror)-- no, we don't have to take out your brain to do so (relief). But we need you to stay really still for that so they're going to give you medicine to keep you still and that medicine means you can ONLY eat popsicles. But yes ice cream at dinner. Clearly I'm more anxious than he is, and I'm alright with that.
... cut to 20 min. later and a trip to dr office... child finds an oatmeal square and starts eating it while I am not staring at him. MRI rescheduled to Tuesday morning. SIIIIIGHHH
It was insanity to have a sedated MRI scheduled for a 5 yr old in the mid to late afternoon. Insanity. We may have the blood test for Lyme's done by then, too. I'm just mad at myself for not being more vigilant.
Tomorrow we leave for NY! Some outfits sorted, not packed, but this isn't complicated.
Job...eh..... is? We're going to have reviews next week. Whatever that means. I am not terrified of them anymore because I don't believe there's any consequences. I do my work. I do new things, there you go. I heard from colleague-friend who also applied for the municipal job (which has posted I believe 3 times now, so that's wacky) - she has gotten a second call back. To date, I have not. Not over yet, but doesn't bode well. However, I think the search committee is exceptionally keen for someone who already has experience in a municipal setting, which I flatly do not and my compatriot does. There's no guarantee that she or the other colleague I know who applied will want the work, so if both are preferred and both say no, who knows who else has popped up since I did my one interview. The second opportunity that's not quite dead but not seeming to hopeful right now is with a software company who need a community liaison. The job closed about 6 days ago, so they should be calling people. No calls for me yet. I can imagine that one got a lot of resumes, though. I'm pointing out to myself that a steady job, even one that I'm ready to leave and have been ready to leave for years, is better than no job. And I'm moving this year, after all. How much big change can one human tolerate in one year? Just keep my eyes open, is all... And not despair.
Let's call this progress.
Last week's fun-- was had in Providence. I filtered that down to a narrow read list, so if you didn't read it, sorry? The point is: it was fun and I'm glad I went. Also, sleep is for the weak.
This week's fun-- For fear of causing ridiculous envy, I may not have said loudly or broadly: I'ma gonna go to see HAMILTON on Friday! Going with ursa_cerulean , rintrahroars , and Robin. I told the kid last night I was going to NYC and he was QUITE UPSET that he was not also going. I said I'd bring him a present, and he started the bargaining process of "So, you're bringing me LEGO, right?" ::laugh:: well played, kid.
Health shenanigans-- eh? As previously mentioned, my body seems to be having an ongoing stress reaction that is mostly while I'm sleeping and presents as can't eat/often hungry/restful sleep is hard. I've seen my doctor a few times, done some blood tests. Tests came back with no indicators. I'm a healthy human according to the blood. Great. I've been on prozac now since mid March, so I feel like I've acclimatized. If I'm having a particularly crappy day/week, all I can do is sleep. And the sleep isn't really restful. The running theory is it's just a stress thing. That my body's been under enough pressure for long enough that it finally started being passive aggressive at me. I'm taking more vitamins and melatonin at bed. I don't feel sick EVERY morning anymore, so progress? I'm not actively freaking out about it. I'm also not able to say I'm actually clear of it. What can you do.
Politics-- I don't talk about it much these days, but I use The65 to give me structure. I call my legislators at the very least on Mondays and if I'm lucky at least Thursday and Friday. I went to the science rally on Saturday, despite shit weather, with the kid. I am phone banking for NEAT (National Equality Action Team) tomorrow, which I've done one other time. It hits hard on my anxiety to phone bank, but doing it a few times a year seems like a thing I can do for the greater good. I feel like it's never enough. I need to remember it's cumulative and I can't be ON every second of the day. I keep getting email from the ACLU for volunteering opportunities. I'm sure at some point something will align as it comes back around on the gui-tar.
House-- uh. Yeah, eh? We're not moving til July. Work on the Newton abode continues, slowly but surely. At some point I may start gathering boxes and putting non-essential stuff in them. (I need to actually get the Newton school registration thing going... I'm avoidy).
- Welcome to my 4 day weekend! One of the few benefits of working for an org that is so closely aligned to a christian denomination.
- I actually read most of the Dreamwidth email that came my way and very much considering giving them dollars to help support their efforts. I really like their politics.
- Thanks to those who cross posted how to get DW and LJ to cross pollinate. I did that thing. I am not planning on nuking my LJ still- it's 15 years old and I just can't bring myself to, but I"m not renewing my subscription. I haven't had the oomph to add more icons yet. Meh.
- It looks like my brain meds are evening out. Thank gods. Prozac FTW
- I'm still dealing with early morning adrenaline situations much of the time, which leads to feeling poisoned and tense and queasy. But hungry. Much of my solution involves drinking more water til I can dilute that feeling and slimfast shakes when I'm doomed. And I'm just eating less. One wondering I've been having is: peri-menopause? I need to check in w my doc. But also given how deeply far gone I was in distress wrt meds, it might just be a body needs a long reset.
- I had a really great meeting with a person who uses the DAMS software I pushed through for work in a huge rush and then looked at it and freaked out. She said almost word for word what my boss said, but since it was a fellow archivist and someone who'd been using the system for 2 years, I believed her. Basically-- I'm fine. Don't try to do everything at once. Yes, the documentation is awful and the training is a joke. Everyone thinks so and have been yelling pretty loudly about it. Just keep swimmin'. So, I can cope. For now.
- The big thing is.... I thought I'd be gone from this job by now. I've not been talking about my job hunt much but I've been in the market since last spring. My retired (and deeply missed) boss pointed out it can take up to or over a year to find a job esp if you're like me and have a lot of parameters attached (aka: I'm not moving and not buying a car). I hate feeling trapped , and it's really contributed a huge bit to my latest bout of depression. I was doing *fine* this past fall when I felt like I had a great new project (implementing Preservica), then the reality of doing it beat me down. The biggest thing about all this--- I've been at my job for 17 years now. My biggest fear is that this is the only job anyone will hire/keep me for, that it was a fluke that I have this job and I'm actually never going to make it outside my little puddle of a pond where I've gotten so complacent.
- Complacent is maybe not a great word. I have had cycles of deeply complacent, esp. when I worked by myself. But it's also been a haven of opportunity to explore, a place of stability when employment for Jaime has always been hard. There've been down-turns, several... and now I'm looking at a political climate where grants are disappearing faster than you can sneeze. Folks who do what I do are going to be losing work and the jobs that are left are going to be hard-fought for. At least I have a job. Seriously, in the grand scheme, I can live with that for now. I'll keep looking.
- Run out of time. Time to take the kid to kid-care and I have a notion to ride my bike for a long stretch :)
I've sorted out kid-care for the summer and continuing to call people who've yet to call back on the logistics. But the neighbor lady has a daycare so, no extra logistics to get the kid to/from every day. ursa_cerulean and her mom are gonna take the kid 2x a week, so that'll take some pressure off. I also can send the kid to the current after school care for a week of summer camp for the interstitial. My mom also wants to take them for a week, too.
We're waiting for school testing, too, and a final/official designation for repeating kindergarten. It's been a struggle this year, but with such a late summer birthday, it was always a risk. School has been very helpful and supportive. It's just not having all this lined up for signing up for new school stuff is stressy.
In the meantime, my stress situation has been an ongoing state of not-great to downright awful. I detailed it all a few weeks ago. Not a ton has changed beyond being given a higher dose of prozac (now 20 mg). It feels so much like a feedback loop that's primarily physical. If I could just breathe normally when I sleep, if I could get my body to relax, then I could eat like a normal human and not feel constantly on the verge of falling apart.
*meta- I can't bring myself to nuke my LJ from orbit, but note I am originating over here in DW. So be it. ::sigh::
**meta-meta: I always feel like I should have more to say, but when it comes to it, I lose my steam. I guess something's better than nothing.
I feel like I have nothing to talk about other than my anxiety. Very little is interesting, positively distracting. Thank the gods asciikitty handed me a book that is holding my attention, because until then it had been all entertainment is not working for me (TV, crafts, books)- everything feels hard. I'm not terribly interested in climbing, even- especially when it feels like I'm poisoned by all the adrenaline. It makes me feel weak and that's not a good feel for climbing.
Work can sometimes keep my mind off of it, but it's also filled with a lot of negative stress. I have fantasies about a rich person who needs my skillset and hires me to be me and solve problems and do stuff for them.
Kid- very hard at the moment. Had a meeting with school today to try to come up with new solutions. Waiting for their turn in the queue for testing, so that doesn't happen til May. But feeling awful/anxious about this a lot of the time. Definitely moving forward on repeating Kindergarten next year.
Friends and family- I swear everyone's been so good to me. Jaime's been as present as she can be, Fubar and asciikitty are heroes. So many people checking in on me and being sweet and lovely. Weasels are trying to convince me I'm not worth the trouble and that I'm a lost cause and that eventually everyone will be fed up and leave me to my state of disarray.
Sleep? So much. Too much?
Sneaking suspicion- I'm wondering if I'm just a bit congested, holding my breath while I sleep, and in doing so having a ton of adrenaline dump in to remind me to breathe. I started retaking nose spray a few days ago and Claritin this morning.
But? This moment? I actually feel OK. I'll take it. I should eat something while I can.
Next: see doctor tonight, brain storm about wtf and meds.
(Edit): All I know is that I spend a lot of time feeling lost and scared, overwhelmed and beyond help and so so so boring.
Today's a feeling mopey day. (Got to visit with someone I rather like yesterday, but It's Complicated tm. Not much to be done. I don't really want to talk about it here, but I do. Did I mention complicated?) Then follow up from this year's Confessional) caused me to grin and blush a fair bit. Because apparently it's a year where I was gifted my very own thread. So, if any of the anon commenters are reading here... hi! I deeply appreciate being appreciated. I'm still bone-deep intrigued by people carrying torches for apparently decades. I realize some things are not meant to be known by the object 'pon which one crushes, but ... well, you know. CURIOUS!
(GAH!, naughty dreamwidth, which publishes the post when you hit enter when putting in tags. )
What else? Everything, nothing?
House- I've not mentioned much here, but I'm about to be a home-owner. asciiktty's parents' house will soon be my family's house. It's exciting! It's on the Newton/Watertown line, and will not transfer residence until after the end of the school year.
Work? Still not king. But got rolling on Preservica. Had my first training (finally) today, and soon it'll be a going concern. I'm also working on cleaning up within the Records Management part of my life, which goes with an Asset Management System.
Kid- Doing OK. Very 5. I haven't had the energy to post here, but dealing with gender expression and declared self "Girl" in the fall, which has been persistent ever since. (I need more long sleeve dresses for her). Looks like repeating kindergarten is for sure going to happen. No surprise. If she were 3 weeks younger, she'd have been in pre-K again this year. I'm calling this the practice year- get the notions of what is expected sorted out and then work on academic benchmarks.
Wife- EMPLOYED! That happened uh, about a week and a half ago? No, 2 weeks ago exactly. They called on a Monday for the next day. that's the union for you, friends. She's still looking for work that doesn't involve wearing a tool belt and hauling particle board. She's also being happy and ridiculous at a new person. I'm full of compersion for her. He's a nice guy and lives in Dorchester.
Health/physicality- been climbing still, not enough. I need to ping CRG and put a hold on my membership. I can't do all the things, as it turns out. When I live in Newton, that'll likely be my default gym since they have a location about 2 mi from my new house.
I also have been participating in StepBet, because asciikitty is an enabler. That has gamified my activity just enough to keep me from slipping. I'm starting to feel like there's some difference. My goal is to have my utilikilt fit me as it should again.
Fam- I got to visit family in the Hudson Valley a few weeks ago, and then my parents visited this past weekend. The NY trip was to see my aunt in Our Town. My mom's younger sister. My mom, my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Will plus ersatz-Aunt Susan (I actually have an actual aunt by that name, just to confuse things), plus theatrical aunt's two adult kids were on site. Jaime and Kid also came with. it was quite an impromptu reunion and I was happy for the chance.
My parents had been planning on visiting me this weekend for a while. Mom's a huge advocate of vacation rentals, a good way to get a decent place near my house but not IN my house to take some pressure off those family members who might not be that social, the fact that the house is big, but that with guests it no longer feels adequate. Can allow for the dog to come if they want (not this time). It's overall a good thing. This time we went to Newburyport and got a beach house. Yes, tons of snow on the ground, but it was still delightful. The house itself was one that I'd very much like to rent again for a fun get-away for adults (sans parents or kids). It had a great aesthetic and a very nicely stocked kitchen with sharp knives and quality cook wear.
I am unable to feel this latest one yet. So, working on self-care:
-brought food and water to homeless in the Common
-allowed myself some hours at work to just be
-now going to focus on some real and useful work that needs doing.
-going to listen to some very chill music
-connecting with friends and hearing how they are
What is your self-care right now?
Did I mention I have been doing a lot of walking lately? Primarily the morning commute-- that it's not that hard to take the bus, drop off the kid, and walk to Alewife. It gives me a bit of time to really move. My average is about 20-25 min. to get the mile+, which is just as good if not markedly better than waiting for and then sitting on a slow bus. If nothing else, I'm in charge of my pace rather than being trapped and waiting to go.
But bike! asciikitty's mom fixed up my bike, which was thrashed to hell and back. This was the first week I had a chance to use it for the commute. It's.... OK? Nice not to be beholden to the to-the-school bus, and it only takes about 10-15 to do the return to Alewife, but I genuinely missed the walking bit, so today I chose that instead of the bike and was quite happy.
Did I mention, I'm walking to Mordor and back with asciikitty's D&D friends? There's a spreadsheet (of course there is) and the company's cumulative daily miles walked go towards the goal. A. said that bike counts, too, and by extension if that's true, then skating counts. Turns out leaving your phone in your pocket triggers the pedometer when skating. Mwahhahahaaa!!! I mean, I'd already made a commitment to walk 4 miles minimum most days, and adding bike miles puts me over 6. It's all quite fun. I am taking a ridiculous amount of pride in being the top walker of the company. Turns out I am a bit competitive. I sort of forgot about that.
OH, and samuraizergling and I went skating last Friday out at Rollerworld (hence me finding out about the pedometer). Some skaters had GROUND LIGHT EFFECTS. I inquired. I got some of my own. The problem is, I'm not entirely certain how to accomplish the effect on my own. Getting Jaime to do that may work? Maybe. I need to implicitly ask if she can get on that today/tomorrow so when A. and I go skating THIS Saturday it'll be working. (Also, skating! Yay!) They were so effing cool.
So funny to be at the rink when it's not a private party I'm ostensibly throwing. So many teens, so many small humans falling down left and right. I have (knock wood) just sailed through, serenely. But also so odd to feel so young and know that all but maybe 3 people out on the rink are of an age to be my own kid. Not just my own kid, but my kid had whilst married. I ridiculously hope that if I am observed at all, I am considered a cool old person by the whippersnappers.
Skate skate skate!
Next: some good news. My (and kid's) PCP/office WILL be picking up Neighborhood health. So, I don't have to make hard decisions there. Further, my chiro does, too. I guess the person I initially talked to was not the expert at all. Mind you, I go from $15 copay to $40, so .... ::flump:: Seeing my therapist out of pocket will apparently, for now, be $60, so I can live with that once... or twice. I think I have a bit of FSA to spend, so will do so there? I dunno. No longer full out panicking.
Finally, when I figured out how screwed I was and told my boss, it sounds like they're not just going to be complacent, but figure something out, so that's definitely better than nothing. I just resent the slap-dash nature in which this all came about.
So, something else.
Thoughts I've had so far--
- Dance Complex in Cambridge
- Cambridge Center for Adult Ed.
I'm open to suggestions.
What's next? Well, hopefully a job as a safety officer for one of the many construction companies in the area. He's passionate about keeping people safe and trained to teach OSHA. He's a shoo-in. Let's hope he can land it, but not before he gets his dominant hand un carpel-tunneled. This college site job has lasted well over a year and a half and there's no such thing as down time. You get your vacation between gigs. (BULLSHIT, but what can you do.... that's the culture.)
So, that happened on Monday, and yesterday was all the running around to clean up, bring back tools and do the errands that had to be done.
What did I do today? I went back to the gym. I had a teaser/promo email from my old gym saying come back and we'll cut you a deal! Well, when I am the one to take Crime Fighter to school 4/5ths of the time, and the delayed end of nursing (last summer) and the general malaise... well, there you go. But, my metabolism isn't going to suddenly get better. I put on my Utilikilt on Sunday and it just felt snugger and rode higher than I liked. I haven't had it long (post-baby even) and it just felt not quite right. Time to make my jiggly belly have a bit more steel underneath.
I am ridiculously excited to get this part of my Adult Life back. I did a 16 minute mile, which I'm a bit abashed about... I did some push ups and other ab-centric activities. But I started and that's really all that matters. I was able to get to the gym by 7, wrapped up by a bit after 8, and had a very liesurely hour to eat and look at bits of the internet I usually forget I like to see (like my RSS feed).
I realize QE will go back to an early start to his day at some point, but I'm hopeful I can find a way to make it work. Maybe if he does land the safety job he can negotiate at least one day a week he doesn't start before 9. YOU NEVER KNOW.
And then things radically shifted. Kid, obviously. I get about 3 "free" hours a day to do all the things that aren't being at work, commuting, or riding herd on the offspring. I used to catch up at work.
Then work radically shifted from a sleepy institution where nobody particularly noticed or cared if I lost a day ... a week... doing my own thing. Sometimes I have useless days at work, but more often than not, I have a to do list that won't get done this month. It's good. I'm doing new things, getting stuff done, and part of a team that cares deeply about what's going on.
So, I often have half-formed posts in my head, but like Inigo Montoya can scarecely sum up, much less provide proper exposition. I end up doing bullet lists in the hopes of sharing and providing myself some breadcrumbs for when I wonder "what was I doing that summer?" after a few years have gone past.
Here I am again, in half the span of a Dinosaur Train episode, hoping to shed some light on what's up.
- Nose! Better. I'ts been a month since surgery. Most notable thing: no more drip drip drip. I feel ridiculous to have not investigated it sooner, given how perpetual it apparently was. My snoring is "polite." My dreams are more vivid
- Kid- a week from turning 4. Ye gods. He's amazing. He sings, he dances, he's wheedling. You know. 4! He moves up to PreK-1 at school in a few weeks with the rest of his class. Should be awesome to have new teachers.
- Travel- off to Ohio one more time on Tuesday. Big archives conference + some time with my family and friends.
- Back just in time to spend some time with quiet_elegance who is getting the first half of his carpel tunnel surgery sorted out the day I return.
- Household- good! We are getting on just fine lately.
- Not so fun- Rob of DHR, who had cut my hair from about 2001 through til he stopped working after his brain cancer diagnosis, died August 2nd after a month in hospice. I'm headed out very shortly to go visit Dale at the memorial. As always, regret for not being just a little more present every time I saw him over the last year, because I had no idea it'd be the last when it happened... but also I'm glad I didn't know it'd be the last.
- But more optimistically, jedipartner1967, who was diagnosed with bone cancer around Christmas time last year, is just about ready to be released after having his immune system wiped like a droid's memory after dealing with Princess Leia. He's taken his jedi trials seriously and remains a shining beacon of hope of medicine and force of will over renegade cells. He will be a bright spot in this visit back home.
I'm glad I'm not on heavy medication all the time. It's really cramping my writing style.
- no physical activity for 10 days. (Suddenly don't know how I'll be getting to work, which involves walking half a mile)
- If your kid starts to snore randomly one day, take that kid to the doctor. She may have a paint brush, or at least part of one, tickling her brain. I DID! Or at least that's our running theory. Because not everyone loves visual evidence, I leave that out. I do have a picture though.
-Kingsman... not a movie for me
-But apparently Drop Dead Diva I can watch 2 episodes. I could point to my mom and say "She made me," but really, I'm fascinated to see how they might turn it around. At least it had more diversity than Kingsman. Not that Kingsman is a particularly high bar.
So yesterday went well. Lots of sitting and waiting, then a whole lot of sleeping, then home! lifecollage did her duty with grace and love.... Some 17 + years ago, I took her to the hospital for a procedure when we were both solo in the city- a big deal and because she is she was gleeful at being able to bring that karma back. I am happy, too.
Mom arrived Monday night, so she and asciikitty got the kid to school. Poor QE had to drop me off and continue to work, so was hanging doors and biting his nails, rather than driving them.
So, what did they do?
So, what was it??( very vague details )
Chill. I have the rest of the week off. Therapy and follow up with my ENT tomorrow. Mom's here til Sunday.
She says, "What? From that kind of surgery? Well, with an attiude like that, I guess you will be then."
( discussion of surgeries and feels. )
So, yes. It might not be so bad. Great! Then I can be pleasantly surprised (which is the only "come back" I had in the heat of the moment). Someday, I'd really like to find a way to tell her that when she says things like that It's hard not to feel like she's dismissing my anxiety and feelings in general. That I should magically just not feel that way. I am ready to move on from this job. So very much.
- Dry cough (ouch- you best be gone by the end of the week, germs)
- Making myself go out for a short birthday celebration (total yay)
- Handed off 2 commissions (well received)
- Continuing the pantless toddler shenanigans (eh? Boy is getting there, but it's exhausting)
- More beef stew made (enough for 2 meals)
- Snow day called for kid's school (c'mon!)
- Watched SportsBall Big Game (Huh... home team wins- that was exciting!) (and when I say "watched," I sat in the room with the game on because I had...->)
- Started work for tomorrow eventually to be thwarted by the system not saving my work (Just for 1 record, not everything lost)
I have about 3 times more ideas than what I have done. So when I say "I have no time".... hah.
In non-clay news, we are hosting coworker Robin for a few days til she can move into her new house. She was adorably bouncy now that the worst is over and she knows where she'll be sleeping next week. This was a question til yesterday.
Further not-clay: QE got a cortisone shot yesterday, and it should be kicking in any day now.. And since his union health insurance started back up, he can go switch doctors to one that's within the union universe. They may know a thing or two about chronic pain.
- But ended up being kind of cranky
- Not enough sleep, primarily due to a 2 year old being very 2. I think I was mostly asleep by 9 last night.
+Took the kid to school via bike path, then walked all the way back to Alewife the last two days. That's round trip 3 miles
- My hips are sore from the sudden surge in activity
+ I'm going to keep doing this as much as I can because the bus makes me crazy and I am not getting enough exercise or vit. D.
- There's a particular person I've not really seen much since August. He's kind of been crazy-busy forever, and I suspect this season was just worse. Mostly I leave it alone, but today I decided to ping and see if I can get an ack. So now I'm compulsively checking my email.
- (Honorary) niece Laura seems to have ratcheted her needy and clingy up a great deal. I worry about her and I'm getting burnt out at the same time.
++++ Minds Eye Yarn is selling my buttons. Like, right now if you were to go to their establishment, you would see my buttons for sale. And you could buy them. I've never had successful interactions with a retail establishment, ever, so I'm somewhat stunned.
+ I'm participating in the Project for Awesome again this year, as I did last year. They request original art as part of the rewards for those who give money, so I'm making watercolors again. I just have to get my act together and do 20 by the end of the month (ahahahahhahaaa)
+ The road rash I acquired last Thursday is healing. I've managed to down-grade my bandaid needs from a big patch to a large strip as of today.
- Relatedly, I've not looked at my bike since it was brought home. It kind of makes me want to cry. I've been told it's not really "that bad."