So, yeah. Maybe more introspection, but for now, have a photo montage....( Cut for bandwidth. Have some pictures! )
Gulp. The progression. It makes sense. Just 2 sequential years next to each other makes sense, but in total is staggering for me.
This makes me feel feels. I almost ignored it, as I didn't recognise her married name, but her first name is unique enough to give me pause, rather than just nuke from space.
Here's the thing: I was a TOTAL jerk while I was visiting her in Germany. Total. I macked on the boy I knew she liked. It was beyond rude and selfish. I said "oops" when I got caught then had to be TOLD why she was as mad as she was. I mean, I sort of knew (I did say oops, after all) but the degree of the failure on my part was much larger than I had imagined. He was dead-cute... I mean whole levels of cute I don't think existed in my school. And also forbidden, and I was going to be gone never to be seen again in less than a month. Totally failed my saving throw, and obviously, I regretted it ever since in a way that makes me wonder why she'd even want to talk to me now, you know? Anyway. That came out of left field.
I wonder what'll happen next? Not a lot, I'm sure, but I didn't expect this much...
Warby Parker and Fluevog did not provide enticing retail therapy; not true for ascii who left with two pair of very-good-for-her shoes. Win! Thai food: win! Fiddle player as opening act, part of Ani's backup band, a fiddle player named Jenny who was good enough to have me get her CDs at the intermission.
Oh, my Ani. There was a time when I'd be sure to catch every show she had in my town. She was at the pinnacle of my muscial temple from the moment listened to her my senior year of college and long into my time in Boston. But as the political landscape darkened, her music did, too. It was music that was needful and good to make, but not the music that spoke to me. But I'm ridiculously loyal. I haven't missed many albums in the intervening 12 years since my interest diverged. I'd still go to most shows, but the previous two times, concerts at the Orpheum were... just not great. I left feeling grumpy not elated. Going this one more time felt a bit like a gamble.
I don't know... times changed? Venue (Berklee not Orpheum, and no booze on site... and Berklee instills in it a sense of reverence for music. In my opinion), time passing, median age of audience leaning way more towards 40 than 20 (yay), and that she'd not been out on the road for a while following a second child arriving.
She walked out onto the stage and .... I forgot how tiny she is. I forgot about that boucy gait, the mad glee, the energy that bursts from her and then a bit more with restless feet under the hot lights- The ridiculous jokes that start in the middle, that she almost doesn't tell but then can't help herself. I didn't know how deeply I missed all that, being in her presence, til she was there again and I regained a part of myself I hadn't realized had faded so far into the background that it almost wasn't there at all. A layer buried deeply under the person I am right now. She played Not a Pretty Girl then You Had Time for the first two songs, and at the first chords of You Had Time*... and the realizations tackled me and lo, I wasn't wearing anything I couldn't wipe my
I wasn't sure I could feel THAT way again, because where Ani was musically was just so far off... but now with two kids and who knows what else, her perspective and mine have so much more overlap. And my sense of activism is stronger than it was 7 years ago. Meeting in the middle? Her mom-stories just made me cackle... and her energy, that of a kid with a day pass to go play with her friends after long confinement. Her son is a year and a half now, and this is her first tour since he arrived. All that creative energy was diverted for all that time, and then let loose, she's just compulsively creating. (I wouldn't know ANYTHING about that, nope, not at all) She shared a song that she had only finished that morning, and apologizing too much for not just playing the old stuff. But she did play older stuff, thank the goddesses. It really was a gift, to have her let me have my nostalgia, and to give me a window into where she is now with her boundless enthusiasm and glee.
All this to say: I will be buying her new album(s).
*video from her September tour this year, so you get a bit of talking first, a feature not a bug for me)
I didn't come to being very active with the regional UU group until I was independently mobile, say 17-18, or there abouts. But then I adored them, ended up going to Ohio University and it had a huge UU group, some I knew already. Like so many who graduate and move away, I did not stay active with the old UU friends or UU-ness in general. had always defaulted to more social rather than spiritual interactions with church, and when I moved to Boston had the UUs to get me through the first lonely year, but I inevitably found a differently focused social group.
Fast-forward to last night-
I see in Facebook that a friend who is now in Boston but someone I knew from my earliest UU days had posted a picture. He'd lit a candle for another of our YRUU compatriots, A-, someone I'd not been particularly close to and had not really thought much about for the better part of 15 years. This guy's been in the hospital with a failed liver for a few weeks and there's been a ton of chatter on the YRUU group page, but thanks to my filtering and lack of attention, I never a whisper about it until last night, and now I'm catching up with my concern and just looking back. I have no idea if he'll pull out of this. He's my age, though, and really- livers should last longer than that.
It's been so long since I really-really thought about my old friends and my old life, I started to doubt a bit that it was that much of a thing. But, no. They were very important to me. I'd say 80% of my friends in college were associated with the UUs. Maybe more. I went to weekly meetings, held office within the group, helped organize fundraising and events- all of it. Some people had Greek life, I had the Unitarians. My tribe. How could I lose track of something so central to my life? Why did I forget it? (she asks rhetorically, then answers pedantically)- Because life is like that. Filled with overlapping things, hopefully mostly good things. And as Robin pointed out at lunch, we can as humans only keep track of about 150 people at a time with great feeling. This feels true. Even if we had the miracles of all the current social media, not just college email accounts and the most rudimentary internet- I still might have slipped through and on. I was filling my life with new: people, place, activities.
This is a horrible situation and I hate that someone who is still in the prime of life is struggling to breathe and make it through the day. It's scary and thinking about it very hard makes me want to hide under my desk or the equivalent thereof. However, if A- had not gotten sick, if his friends hadn't used that YRUU page on Facebook to keep the rest updated, I'd have never known, not thought about them or that time in my life. Now I am and I remember bits and pieces: how they made me feel better after years of being teased in school. They reveled in my weird. They expected weird. So, despite this bad, there is some good coming out of it. Let the universe be kind. Let A- get out of this and has several decades more.
Light a candle, think a thought, say a prayer, play a song, look at pictures, hug the hugs: whatever it is that you do when you are scared for someone and you can't do anything to intervene. And really, this isn't just for A. It's for ricevermicelli, who has been on my mind so much the last few weeks, and I can't do anything for her, either. And for the others out there, beyond my scope worrying and struggling. Love to you all.
Now, some years ago- oh, you know. 6? I posted this picture, which I was reminded of when I was sorting through the SNAFU that is the new scrapbook here.
(Why yes, let's totally scramble the order of things that had been sorted into folders before. Don't mind if I do!)
Anyway... Apples are not falling very far from the tree, if you ask me. Ideally, I'd find a picture of me with my dad, too, for the bridge comparison, except I never had no-hair like this, which is really what caused me to want to re/post this.
This is my dad, aint_it_hard, with his dad
And here- our wee Crime Fighter with grandparents aint_it_hard anddeb_dus.
I'd love to do a Young Me Now Me thing with them, although technically we'd have to wait til Mr. D. is a few years older. But I'm impatient and would want to try NOW. :)
This one-- hm. I think was done by Chris L. in my senior year (1993). Or Bryan. Or Renee. Are you surprised I had friends in art classes?
Definitely click to embiggen, for it's many dorables. Also I'm rather proud of my tree-hugging roots. There's been a lot more than this, but these all had a certain sharability.
There was shopping this afternoon. I have new boots. There will be pictures later. There are also very purple pants. Eeeeee!
I got to hang with BFF, Amy, and many of her family this evening. Amy's the closest I have to a sister, really. So, good to see 2 of her 3 siblings, her mom and one of her kids. We even dropped said youngest (1st grade, zomg) at the Y that I used to go to when I was her age. Wouldn't you know: smells just the same: chlorine and sweat. Their gym hasn't changed in 20... 25 years. (augh, I'm old). Happy nostalgia.
Tomorrow is the required meeting. I'm hoping that the anticipation of it will be the worst of it. And if not, I get to hold it over my boss's head for a few weeks, which should be fun. I'm prepared. I have my Moleskine and knitting. I don't expect to be participating very much at any point, you see.
Observational note: Papa John's pizza has no particular value as legitimate pizza, however, it was the go-to at Ohio U -thus more happy nostalgia attached- and nobody does faux garlic butter sauce like they do. I understand there's one in the MIT vicinity. This is a useful thing to keep in mind.
Even if there was a magical way you could go back, I don't think I would. I learned what I needed to. I don't ever want to visit Athens, Ohio again because the things I loved best about it were the people and even though one or two are still kicking around (including my friend from OSJB)- it wouldn't be the same. And anyway, I like current me a lot better than college me. I'm not flailing away in the same, broken patterns. Yay-
And yet. Still bittersweet. You know, like it's supposed to be.
What the hell was I thinking?! I was a very angsty, frustrated teenager. I grabbed a tape at random, you see-- not all of them were done by me. This one was.
My angst, let me show you it- the playlist:
( Read more... )
I didn't date it, but I did this probably Junior year of high school. ETA: Please note, this is not the worst offender of teenage drama set to music that I perpetrated. Those I left in the storage box with the other random bits and pieces. I considered this redeemable to listen to again.
While I really miss the art form of balancing a tape out, finding just enough songs not to have a lot of dead space at the end of a side- And something like this, cannot easily be altered without wrecking it, it's a piece of my -albeit awkward - history. I generally prefer the modern type of iTunes driven play list- and it has some permanence if I make an effort- but the options for shuffle or removing tracks means you don't anticipate the next track like you would with a tape. Not quite the emotional punch. Mostly.
It is quite a relief to have tangible proof that I've had emotional growth at least. I feel much better now.
Then I discover that my Remember the Milk reminders haven't been sending. Of course I have become dependent on their prodding, yet I didn't notice for 2 days that I'd not gotten them. To be fair, Wed and Thurs weren't very computer-centric days.
Also Pandora isn't playing in Mozilla anymore. It'll go in IE. I have version 3 of Firefox, so I've come to accept that there are bugs. The thing is, it worked last week! I upgraded to 3 the week it came out, so... I have no frickin' clue what's up with that.
ETA: updating my adobe flash player seems to have fixed that. Go me!
In Facebook sorts of news, I reconnected with someone I first met in kindergarten. Talking to Grant spurred me to create an alum group for our elementary school- this is the school that was taken out of commission and the original building and surrounding property is being condo-ized. Since the schoolyard is across the street from my parents' house, I've had a front row seat to the changes whenever I go back. It sucks that it had to be, but it really could be worse. Anyway--- I counted up that I had about 7 people on Facebook that date back to grade school. The trend is that I find one or two folk from school every month or so; I expect that 7 will grow over time. And who knows- I might get unassociated folks joining up. The school was the oldest in the district, so that's a few generations. Yep, I'm a connector.
I have to say that the images I chose for scanning and the ones I chose for current have very amazing parallels in composition, and were ENTIRELY coincidental. I give you:
ricevermicelli asked me if I had heard of Flower Fairies by Cicely Mary Barker. I boggled slightly. As it turns out, YES. That was a very important set of books when I was a child. My mother and I would go on walks around the neighborhood looking for fairies and identifying various habitats. I chart my interest in fairy art from this
Keep in mind, it's not a 1:1, or anything. Simply in the range.
Me = happy.
He was pretty important to me for years. He was my dance partner, confidant, and soul to I thought I had to save. (Not in the evangelical sense in the save from bad scene sense) I loved him as intensely as any 17 year old of my temperament could and for good or ill, that never worked out how I wanted it to. But, being all zen and such now, I'm not sorry for how it turned out. The fact that I could find him and that he replied means a lot. He's doing well, making what sounds like a go of it in the southwestern region of the states. He's got a girl he loves, a baby soon to be born, and ongoing education-ness. Rah. :) I'd wondered if he'd make it this far and "relieved" doesn't cover my feelings that he has.
And in other reuniony news, I'm having lunch with the local cosmic twin and have heard from his "brother" on the Left Coast. The circle is now complete. But no dark side of the force, as far as I know. Big love, home town boys.
First boost was getting a call at work from a woman requesting 100 copies of my records management brochure I did at the end of last year. ?! Holy cow!
Then I get a ping from isabelluna giving me a line in on 2 folks from the brighter parts of high school.