Not great

So, about a week ago, I felt like I was about to throw up when I woke up (no I'm not pregnant). It feels like all the adrenaline ever has been dumped into my system, kind of all the time. Or enough of the time that I feel dizzy, queasy, or just paralyzed and unable to... anything. I'd been feeling emotionally fragile before last week, so this has been feeling like a physical manifestation of emotional distress.  It's made eating nigh on impossible. I'll feel hungry, but rarely able to eat more than a few bites before I'm done, or feel gross.

I feel like I have nothing to talk about other than my anxiety. Very little is interesting, positively distracting. Thank the gods asciikitty handed me a book that is holding my attention, because until then it had been all entertainment is not working for me (TV, crafts, books)- everything feels hard. I'm not terribly interested in climbing, even- especially when it feels like I'm poisoned by all the adrenaline. It makes me feel weak and that's not a good feel for climbing.

Work can sometimes keep my mind off of it, but it's also filled with a lot of negative stress. I have fantasies about a rich person who needs my skillset and hires me to be me and solve problems and do stuff for them.

Kid- very hard at the moment. Had a meeting with school today to try to come up with new solutions. Waiting for their turn in the queue for testing, so that doesn't happen til May. But feeling awful/anxious about this a lot of the time. Definitely moving forward on repeating Kindergarten next year.

Friends and family- I swear everyone's been so good to me. Jaime's been as present as she can be, Fubar and asciikitty are heroes. So many people checking in on me and being sweet and lovely. Weasels are trying to convince me I'm not worth the trouble and that I'm a lost cause and that eventually everyone will be fed up and leave me to my state of disarray.

Sleep? So much. Too much?

Sneaking suspicion- I'm wondering if I'm just a bit congested, holding my breath while I sleep, and in doing so having a ton of adrenaline dump in to remind me to breathe. I started retaking nose spray a few days ago and Claritin this morning.

But? This moment? I actually feel OK. I'll take it. I should eat something while I can.

Next: see doctor tonight, brain storm about wtf and meds.

(Edit): All I know is that I spend a lot of time feeling lost and scared, overwhelmed and beyond help and so so so boring.

Post doctor post

I really like my doctor. She is so lovely and compassionate and non-judgey.  New meds: good old fashioned prozac. Started last night, so I can get over the worst of the body-load while asleep. By next week, I can stop the old meds.  Also, the 5 lbs I lost since last week was not the weight loss plan I meant. This is what happens, though, when you don't actually eat one full meal for days on end. SO not recommended.  Somewhere somehow during today, however, whatever it was that was causing my body to be a constant adrenaline dumping ground (ergo nausea factory) just turned off. I was able to eat lunch. I ate dinner. We went for broke and there was ice cream. Amazing!

Today I still felt a little queasy when I woke up but didn't linger and I wasn't fixated. Anyway- I meant to actually post this last night but then lost track.

The thing that gets me, when the anxiety brain finally turns off, I almost immediately lose track of what exactly it was that was so upsetting. I can scrounge bits and pieces together, but mostly because I've told enough people that I'm reciting it rather than remembering particularly the experience. Brains are so weird.  OK. I'm tired of talking about it all... gonna go fold laundry. <3

Thank you to everyone who's been present during this. It helps.