Jul. 17th, 2017 01:28 pm


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Fairy Spa Parent.
Need to go deal with maintenance on all the femme things. My epidermis, cuticles, and follicles are deeply under-cared for, but to go do ALL THE THINGS might require a small business loan. So, please send Fairy Spa Parent, stat.
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OMG, you guys. I'm living in a house that I (co-)own. I admit I'm having some sense of denial and some imposter syndrome, and wondering what MY stuff is doing in Jeanne's house, but whatever. We're getting there. I went out this morning and picked black raspberries before breakfast. I keep re arranging stuff that can't be put away yet. But my bed is in a frame and there are some movable drawers with my clothes in them in my room. I have an office with a door that shuts. It's a box maze, but it's mine. [personal profile] fubar set up the TV and it works! I set up Pandora and hung out in the living room listening to music with [livejournal.com profile] samuraizergling last night. It was so civilized! I got to help new neighbor Anne Michelle rescue her car. She watched The Kid on Sunday for a few hours. It's like... a THING. I chatted with my next door neighbor, who's really nice. It's quiet. So... yeah. I have survived.

Please ping me if you want my new street address. I'm going to be sending out an update email here soon.

Also: Tomorrow the kid has eye surgery. I'm only a bit nervous about that.

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(Still true from last night) - Trying to explain that I can't negotiate One More Thing, not even the conversation of what to watch on TV... I'd rather sit by myself, listen to my music and pack 5 more boxes by myself than talk about anything.
But I can't because I'm at work today. That was not ideal. But. Here we are.
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I'm about to put in for reimbursement for my flexible spending account, so looking at what things cost regarding medical stuff. The kid had an MRI as part of the figure out what's wrong with his eyes. That MRI without insurance would have cost just over $3800. Hah. Hahahaaaa. That's not even the eye exam that came before, the eye exam that came after the MRI or the recommended surgery itself that is the ultimate recommendation after the MRI was examined.  Just imagining being in a place where I have to let my kid be cross eyed because I can't afford to fix it, and remembering the proverb of "For lack of a nail..." - that I can see a non-life threatening thing like this being deferred for a long time, and how much not being able to see well would make everything that much harder.... the what ifs and dark paths. And there you have this country in a nutshell. How many poor people are unreasonably hampered (or you know, ultimately killed) because of the lack of a proverbial nail? 

Don't mind me, I'll just be rocking and giggling in (potential) terror in the corner. And grateful as HELL for the insurance we have. Sigh. And a reminder to keep fighting (call, call, call, call, CALL) for universal health care. Nobody should have to choose between one's health or a kid's health and basic day to day living.

Jun. 15th, 2017 02:05 pm


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Went back. MRI is normal. Still no reason detected or any change good or ill with kid's eye, so the ophthalmologist's next step: surgery. This issue is less than 6 months old, ish, but not by much, and the sooner one can correct, the better. It's a fast day surgery.  Details below the cut, but not gory, but still involve thinking about surgery...
Read more... )So, all will be well come the end of July.

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So, MIL has been off our radar for a while because she's been pretty wretched towards her progeny in the whole transition/trans thing. And then she asked Jaime for money "so she doesn't lose the house" (Uh, we don't have that kind of money). But Monday was Jaime's chosen birthday and MIL texted her, which is what I thought a step in the right direction. Except the content was so passive-aggressive that it almost doesn't count.  In the text, MIL said that she loved Jaime and always would and that was something that Jaime "couldn't run away from." ... I didn't quite understand why that overblown language was used. I just read it at face value and said "hey, cool. text, unprompted on an important day and sent love. I call that a win."
MIL apparently earlier made reference that she believed that this "trans thing" was Jaime's way of running away from problems/reality. ... ... ...




no. Ohhhhh lady. No. So much... NO. Also? WTF. And no. Once more? With feeling? NO.

Ahem. So, that. I think we'll not be having a visit with her anytime soon.

Jun. 9th, 2017 09:51 am


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Today I'm home and waiting to take the kid downtown to Children's for an MRI to try to determine what's up with the crossed eye. The MRI will last 1.5 hours. There will be sedation. Before we go do that, I'm taking him to his doctor for a blood draw b/c one question still outstanding is the question of Lyme's . Figured since we were home anyway...

So far the day's OK. The kid is allowed to watch as much TV as he wants and eat all the popsicles. Explanation- we're going to take a picture of your brain (look of horror)-- no, we don't have to take out your brain to do so (relief). But we need you to stay really still for that so they're going to give you medicine to keep you still and that medicine means you can ONLY eat popsicles. But yes ice cream at dinner. Clearly I'm more anxious than he is, and I'm alright with that.


... cut to 20 min. later and a trip to dr office... child finds an oatmeal square and starts eating it while I am not staring at him. MRI rescheduled to Tuesday morning. SIIIIIGHHH
It was insanity to have a sedated MRI scheduled for a 5 yr old in the mid to late afternoon. Insanity.  We may have the blood test for Lyme's done by then, too. I'm just mad at myself for not being more vigilant.
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I'm suffering from the I don't want to move, I like my house and my neighborhood thing. Mind you, I'll like my new house and get used to the new neighborhood. I'm just having a sad.

Or you know, just fully anxious about all the things. Schrodinger's job opportunity is now eating my brain (I will NEVER get this job, the job is already mine)....
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Moving.... Read more... )

Kid.... Read more... )

Work... Read more... )

State of brain... Read more... )

Entertainment... Read more... )TL;DR- Boxen! Kid is fine, but complicated! Still not king! Muddling along! I watch TV! 
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Well, anxiety, I see you have returned. I didn't ask you to come back. ::grump:: And for no particular reason! Yay!!!  That is all on that for now, I guess.

What I woke up to this morning (which is super cute)-
kid doing... something. Setting up a "surprise" for me. OK? I let this play out. I'm suspicious, though.  Turns out it was a tea party with (a LOT) of sliced up bananas. And pretend tea. It was great.
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We're moving out of our 2 floors of a 2 fam house in July. If you or someone you know wants a 3 (4?) bedroom house across the street from Hardy Elementary, off street parking, half the basement (but don't expect to use the garage) - 1 1/2 blocks from Capitol Theater/ Mass Ave, 3/4 mi from Alewife, 1 block from bike path. It has real insulation, but not much in the way of closets.

Ping me if you want to talk to my landlord.
May. 11th, 2017 12:16 pm


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This morning was the meeting at school following the testing to see what's up with the kid, what more does he need to be more successful (and less disruptive??) . 
TL;DR is that he has qualified for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) due to "developmental delays"- an academic designation, rather than medical one. This IEP lasts 3 years then it's re-evaluated.

[personal profile] ursa_cerulean and I went and talked with his teacher, the occupational therapist, social worker, psych, and 2 coordinators. It's  a great team and I've always appreciated their attention, dedication, and expertise.  So, it turns out my kid has a hard time staying focused, following directions, and controlling his impulses emotionally and physically. That bit of executive function just hasn't shown up to play yet, I guess. It means constant redirection at home and at school, lots of disruption for everyone, and a lot of assertive/aggressive behavior, explicitly he will argue and debate as a matter of course. He doesn't back down from confrontation, so if someone gets up in his face, there will be fisticuffs. So! Let's find some skills. Let's find a way to maybe translate that to home so that the parents can feel more assured and less frazzled. Because let me tell you, saying sit down and eat 20 times in the span of 5 minutes is no fun for me. Because the things he loves doing, he's flipping brilliant at, and there's no currency that works if he can't find value in the activity. Just imagine if we could persuade him to be collaborative and social on top of creative and empathetic. We'll get this baby-activist going yet. I really would prefer he manage a path through school that doesn't involve "I HATE EVERYTHING."   I'm grateful. This is a great school and a great team and I'll be able to transfer the IEP to Newton when we move.

A surprise feature of the IEP process is to carefully monitor to make sure that he is not being bullied or being the aggressor either. I think this is smart to track as part of the work. I can see him being on both sides of the equation, particularly when you toss in a fair bit of gender nonconformity. He's vulnerable and they can proceed with extra care to help re-direct and provide extra support as need be. I couldn't be happier at this point with our situation.
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I had noted, like you do, that I'd not seen a friend on social media for a while. Someone I went to college with and lives in Florida now. So, when I saw her post to a mutual friend's page, I reached out to her with a oh hey- was thinking of you, miss you. It was a bit odd, we had been connected before but no longer friends on FB. So, I rerequested. I woke up the next morning to a long message from her detailing some stuff that was really hard to read. I guarantee it was harder for her to live. Our overlapping time was one that was full of bad stuff for her and some toxic relationships within the group we were both active. I did not have this experience, although I  managed to rack up a fair bit of damage and lessons learned without managing to overlap with the crux of her damage. She has been working on herself, getting healthy, making better choices, and apparently that involved clearing the decks of a lot of folks associated with that time, place, and group. I was not responsible for her hurt, but there's no way I'd be anything but a reminder of it. I deeply understand the need to protect yourself and not maintaining connections.  And I guess our friendship was past tense for a while. I didn't realize it was so, not until yesterday. In that time and place, she was important to me. I am deeply sorry that she experienced negativity and abuse. So I wished her well, expressed regret that she had such pain, and said goodbye.  I listen to Dan Savage every week and one of his themes is that not all relationships last forever, and that's OK. That it's unrealistic to only call those relationships that end with one person burying the other successful. Just because a relationship ends (romantic or otherwise) does not mean it did not have value. And after a night's sleep I have reasoned that our differing opinions about the core nature of our shared group would make it hard to maintain a friendship - she sees it as a cesspool built for abuse. I see that she was grossly taken advantage of, that this is true for her, but it just isn't true for me. Also, I really don't want to be a living reminder of bad times for someone. I've quietly missed her for 20 years. Missing her is akin to missing my young adultness and my time in school. ::shrug:: ... moving on...
May. 5th, 2017 01:23 pm


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I just had lunch with a friend who moved back to California a few years ago- a dance instructor, actually. She taught the Bollywood class I took when there was a dance studio up on Highland outside Davis Sq (it's gone now). That class was easily the best dance class I've ever taken and it was a particularly special dynamic. So, it was good to reconnect with her. I gave her the low-down of what's up lately, which is a lot. She's also been struggling with her own plans and career. She said an amazing thing, when I was conveying my anxiety about "what if I never make it outside this tiny microcosm of my job, and I never get another archive job?"

She said "You can't fail." ... what?! OK. That I'm exceptionally resourceful and talented, and that I'll find SOMETHING to do, and it might not be what I thought, but I'm not going to fail. Well. OK, then. I prefer this narrative. Let's go with this.
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I will be doing Somerville Open Studios again this year. It's this weekend. Come visit

** Fun with depression: just now putting my stock in one place. Have not made much new...oh- crud. Need to finish the stuff that's sitting on my table uncooked. Uh, no prob. doot doot doot. This is me, mostly winging it and coasting on product from earlier seasons.

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Color me cautiously optimistic, but I feel like the vicious cycle I've been dealing with lately re: adrenal freak-out seems to be working itself out. I'm framing it as getting better at meditation/mindful relaxation- that when I wake up in the middle of the night and my body says "BEAR!" I say... "No. Maybe sleep, OK?"  -- but some part of my brain at least while waking is bracing against the wind that has abated. 

Tomorrow we leave for NY! Some outfits sorted, not packed, but this isn't complicated.

Job...eh..... is? We're going to have reviews next week. Whatever that means. I am not terrified of them anymore because I don't believe there's any consequences. I do my work. I do new things, there you go.  I heard from colleague-friend who also applied for the municipal job (which has posted I believe 3 times now, so that's wacky) - she has gotten a second call back. To date, I have not. Not over yet, but doesn't bode well. However, I think the search committee is exceptionally keen for someone who already has experience in a municipal setting, which I flatly do not and my compatriot does. There's no guarantee that she or the other colleague I know who applied will want the work, so if both are preferred and both say no, who knows who else has popped up since I did my one interview.  The second opportunity that's not quite dead but not seeming to hopeful right now is with a software company who need a community liaison. The job closed about 6 days ago, so they should be calling people. No calls for me yet. I can imagine that one got a lot of resumes, though.  I'm pointing out to myself that a steady job, even one that I'm ready to leave and have been ready to leave for years, is better than no job. And I'm moving this year, after all. How much big change can one human tolerate in one year? Just keep my eyes open, is all... And not despair.

Let's call this progress.
Apr. 25th, 2017 10:51 am

Gettin' on

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Meta-- Looking at my read page on Dreamwidth-- starting to look more like it should, properly populated. Yay. That took some time. I let my LJ extension for user pics lapse. Can't bring myself to kill a journal I've had for 15 years. I just don't fully trust all the metadata translates. I keep meaning to maybe upload a few more user pics here, and just haven't had the capacity.

Last week's fun-- was had in Providence. I filtered that down to a narrow read list, so if you didn't read it, sorry? The point is: it was fun and I'm glad I went.  Also, sleep is for the weak.

This week's fun-- For fear of causing ridiculous envy, I may not have said loudly or broadly: I'ma gonna go to see HAMILTON on Friday! Going with [personal profile] ursa_cerulean , [personal profile] rintrahroars , and Robin. I told the kid last night I was going to NYC and he was QUITE UPSET that he was not also going. I said I'd bring him a present, and he started the bargaining process of "So, you're bringing me LEGO, right?" ::laugh:: well played, kid.

Health shenanigans-- eh? As previously mentioned, my body seems to be having an ongoing stress reaction that is mostly while I'm sleeping and presents as can't eat/often hungry/restful sleep is hard. I've seen my doctor a few times, done some blood tests. Tests came back with no indicators. I'm a healthy human according to the blood. Great. I've been on prozac now since mid March, so I feel like I've acclimatized. If I'm having a particularly crappy day/week, all I can do is sleep. And the sleep isn't really restful. The running theory is it's just a stress thing. That my body's been under enough pressure for long enough that it finally started being passive aggressive at me. I'm taking more vitamins and melatonin at bed. I don't feel sick EVERY morning anymore, so progress? I'm not actively freaking out about it. I'm also not able to say I'm actually clear of it. What can you do.

Politics-- I don't talk about it much these days, but I use The65 to give me structure. I call my legislators at the very least on Mondays and if I'm lucky at least Thursday and Friday. I went to the science rally on Saturday, despite shit weather, with the kid. I am phone banking for NEAT (National Equality Action Team) tomorrow, which I've done one other time. It hits hard on my anxiety to phone bank, but doing it a few times a year seems like a thing I can do for the greater good. I feel like it's never enough. I need to remember it's cumulative and I can't be ON every second of the day. I keep getting email from the ACLU for volunteering opportunities. I'm sure at some point something will align as it comes back around on the gui-tar.

House-- uh. Yeah, eh? We're not moving til July. Work on the Newton abode continues, slowly but surely. At some point I may start gathering boxes and putting non-essential stuff in them. (I need to actually get the Newton school registration thing going... I'm avoidy).

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  • Welcome to my 4 day weekend! One of the few benefits of working for an org that is so closely aligned to a christian denomination.
  • I actually read most of the Dreamwidth email that came my way and very much considering giving them dollars to help support their efforts. I really like their politics.
  • Thanks to those who cross posted how to get DW and LJ to cross pollinate. I did that thing. I am not planning on nuking my LJ still- it's 15 years old and I just can't bring myself to, but I"m not renewing my subscription. I haven't had the oomph to add more icons yet. Meh.
  • It looks like my brain meds are evening out. Thank gods. Prozac FTW
  • I'm still dealing with early morning adrenaline situations much of the time, which leads to feeling poisoned and tense and queasy. But hungry. Much of my solution involves drinking more water til I can dilute that feeling and slimfast shakes when I'm doomed. And I'm just eating less. One wondering I've been having is: peri-menopause? I need to check in w my doc. But also given how deeply far gone I was in distress wrt meds, it might just be a body needs a long reset.
  • I had a really great meeting with a person who uses the DAMS software I pushed through for work in a huge rush and then looked at it and freaked out. She said almost word for word what my boss said, but since it was a fellow archivist and someone who'd been using the system for 2 years, I believed her. Basically-- I'm fine. Don't try to do everything at once. Yes, the documentation is awful and the training is a joke. Everyone thinks so and have been yelling pretty loudly about it. Just keep swimmin'. So, I can cope. For now.
  • The big thing is.... I thought I'd be gone from this job by now. I've not been talking about my job hunt much but I've been in the  market since last spring. My retired (and deeply missed) boss pointed out it can take up to or over a year to find a job esp if you're like me and have a lot of parameters attached (aka: I'm not moving and not buying a car). I hate feeling trapped , and it's really contributed a huge bit to my latest bout of depression. I was doing *fine* this past fall when I felt like I had a great new project (implementing Preservica), then the reality of doing it beat me down. The biggest thing about all this--- I've been at my job for 17 years now. My biggest fear is that this is the only job anyone will hire/keep me for, that it was a fluke that I have this job and I'm actually never going to make it outside my little puddle of a pond where I've gotten so complacent.
  • Complacent is maybe not a great word. I have had cycles of deeply complacent, esp. when I worked by myself. But it's also been a haven of opportunity to explore, a place of stability when employment for Jaime has always been hard. There've been down-turns, several... and now I'm looking at a political climate where grants are disappearing faster than you can sneeze. Folks who do what I do are going to be losing work and the jobs that are left are going to be hard-fought for. At least I have a job. Seriously, in the grand scheme, I can live with that for now. I'll keep looking.
  • Run out of time. Time to take the kid to kid-care and I have a notion to ride  my bike for a long stretch :) 
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Well, it would appear I am a home-owner. We actually did that a week+ ago, but I've been not chatty. It doesn't feel real since we aren't actually changing houses til July and haven't started the whole packing bit yet.

I've sorted out kid-care for the summer and continuing to call people who've yet to call back on the logistics. But the neighbor lady has a daycare so, no extra logistics to get the kid to/from every day. [personal profile] ursa_cerulean  and her mom are gonna take the kid 2x a week, so that'll take some pressure off. I also can send the kid to the current after school care for a week of summer camp for the interstitial. My mom also wants to take them for a week, too.

We're waiting for school testing, too, and a final/official designation for repeating kindergarten. It's been a struggle this year, but with such a late summer birthday, it was always a risk. School has been very helpful and supportive. It's just not having all this lined up for signing up for new school stuff is stressy.

In the meantime, my stress situation has been an ongoing state of not-great to downright awful. I detailed it all a few weeks ago. Not a ton has changed beyond being given a higher dose of prozac (now 20 mg). It feels so much like a feedback loop that's primarily physical. If I could just breathe normally when I sleep, if I could get my body to relax, then I could eat like a normal human and not feel constantly on the verge of falling apart.

*meta- I can't bring myself to nuke my LJ from orbit, but note I am originating over here in DW. So be it. ::sigh::
**meta-meta: I always feel like I should have more to say, but when it comes to it, I lose my steam. I guess something's better than nothing.
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I really like my doctor. She is so lovely and compassionate and non-judgey.  New meds: good old fashioned prozac. Started last night, so I can get over the worst of the body-load while asleep. By next week, I can stop the old meds.  Also, the 5 lbs I lost since last week was not the weight loss plan I meant. This is what happens, though, when you don't actually eat one full meal for days on end. SO not recommended.  Somewhere somehow during today, however, whatever it was that was causing my body to be a constant adrenaline dumping ground (ergo nausea factory) just turned off. I was able to eat lunch. I ate dinner. We went for broke and there was ice cream. Amazing!

Today I still felt a little queasy when I woke up but didn't linger and I wasn't fixated. Anyway- I meant to actually post this last night but then lost track.

The thing that gets me, when the anxiety brain finally turns off, I almost immediately lose track of what exactly it was that was so upsetting. I can scrounge bits and pieces together, but mostly because I've told enough people that I'm reciting it rather than remembering particularly the experience. Brains are so weird.  OK. I'm tired of talking about it all... gonna go fold laundry. <3

Thank you to everyone who's been present during this. It helps.


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