mizarchivist

My kid.

Every once in a while, she'll do the thing where she just caaaaan't.... it's too harrrrd. and she flops around on the floor begging me to do it for her. Today's variation is that it's too cooooold and she needs her blankie and eventually, bear. She expends more time and energy begging and pleading than it would take to fix her own problem. 'K. It won't kill her to whine. Won't kill her to be in a 65 degree house. Won't kill me to let her flail. So I wait it out, hold firm and after a certain point, remove myself from the field of battle. She gets there eventually. She scampered up to her room while I was writing this after being boneless on the floor for about 10-15 minutes. Those eggs of hers are gonna be less delicious later, let me tell you. Oh well.

Life lessons for mama and for kiddo.

I'm still luxuriating in the era where if I don't tell my kid a thing, she doesn't know it. Ex: the 4th of July carnival that happens in conjunction w fireworks here in Newton. We spent pretty much all day in the AC mucking out her room, which had gotten to the point you really couldn't see carpet or even really open the door without shoving something out of the way. Most of the time, I intervene before it gets this bad and spend a few hours sorting things out. But that doesn't help her figure out how to do it herself. I think I still did most of it this time, but because there was the excitement of "let's re-arrange the room" when it got cleared, she stayed with it.

So. post dinner, Kid and I head out to the carnival. PRIZES was the goal. Stuffies. Oh, to win a stuffie. She wanted to take kind of all her money, and I told her 5 bucks. She went for the pick up a duck and see what it says on the bottom: S M L - etc, for what size the prize would be. NO surprise, they were S-ducks. She got a snake. Maybe not even a snake, a snek. It was a colorful tube masquerading as a snake. She was deflated. Like, trying to figure out how she ended up with such a shitty prize when there were SO MANY DELIGHTFUL ONES right there. Sloths and unicorns, and owls! So, I say I'll pay for one more game. I had 5 bucks in cash after I bought ride tickets. Water gun race? Ooookay! Maybe it should have been better explained that if you don't WIN, there is zero prize, not even a snek. Maybe better off with the balloon popping game. She did NOT win. And was crushed, crying and betrayed by the system. Sometimes when your parent tells you that the game is rigged, it doesn't sink in til you lose 10 bucks and only have a snek to show for it.  The lines for the shitty rides were long as hell by this point, so I sold back the 16 out of 19 tickets I still had to random strangers and told her we could get a light up toy. But I drew the line WRT +noisy. Nope. You can have a light saber. Not one that whistles.  It's blue and looks amazing in the dark. 

It was such a thing to watch her get frustrated, deflate, regenerate a bit of hope, then lose her shit. I let her be upset and didn't rush the process. She doesn't fit tidily anymore, but she can still sit in my lap and cry, which is a thing I think we all wish we could do sometimes. The prospect of selling back ride tickets, getting a flashy toy and OMG FIREWORKS!! and suddenly The Best Ever. Whew. Mischief- for now- managed.

The child is OBSESSED with Harry Potter. We've read the first 3 books and now they have access to the audio versions, too, which can be played on repeat if need be. The argument about "no, you've had enough TV" is curtailed pretty much immediately when the alt. is Harry Potter.  So, most questions that are asked these days revolve around Harry Potter. 

This morning they were hyper-focused on Griffindors are nice and Slytherins are just awful. I failed to convey that mass generalizations like that is deeply problematic. Where I did manage to re-direct was on the topic of Mudblood vs. Pureblood. We know that it's not nice to call someone the "M" word. That part is known, but buying into the whole concept- that has got to stop. To use the words buys into their validity and give it credence. Nope. It's a tool to make people from non-magic families feel Othered and for people from entirely magic backgrounds to feel superior. So, no. Nope. Not even. Unfortunately, their teacher isn't a Harry Potter person, so can't do short-hand. But- I feel like I got my point across.  I'm hoping to diversify our imaginative world, if possible, with some new books- Anastasia Krumpnik and Princess Academy are up next. Also some of the more juvenile Tamora Pierce.

Went back. MRI is normal. Still no reason detected or any change good or ill with kid's eye, so the ophthalmologist's next step: surgery. This issue is less than 6 months old, ish, but not by much, and the sooner one can correct, the better. It's a fast day surgery.  Details below the cut, but not gory, but still involve thinking about surgery...
( Read more... )So, all will be well come the end of July.

Moving.... ( Read more... )

Kid.... ( Read more... )

Work... ( Read more... )

State of brain... ( Read more... )

Entertainment... ( Read more... )TL;DR- Boxen! Kid is fine, but complicated! Still not king! Muddling along! I watch TV! 

This morning was the meeting at school following the testing to see what's up with the kid, what more does he need to be more successful (and less disruptive??) . 
TL;DR is that he has qualified for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) due to "developmental delays"- an academic designation, rather than medical one. This IEP lasts 3 years then it's re-evaluated.

Details-
ursa_cerulean and I went and talked with his teacher, the occupational therapist, social worker, psych, and 2 coordinators. It's  a great team and I've always appreciated their attention, dedication, and expertise.  So, it turns out my kid has a hard time staying focused, following directions, and controlling his impulses emotionally and physically. That bit of executive function just hasn't shown up to play yet, I guess. It means constant redirection at home and at school, lots of disruption for everyone, and a lot of assertive/aggressive behavior, explicitly he will argue and debate as a matter of course. He doesn't back down from confrontation, so if someone gets up in his face, there will be fisticuffs. So! Let's find some skills. Let's find a way to maybe translate that to home so that the parents can feel more assured and less frazzled. Because let me tell you, saying sit down and eat 20 times in the span of 5 minutes is no fun for me. Because the things he loves doing, he's flipping brilliant at, and there's no currency that works if he can't find value in the activity. Just imagine if we could persuade him to be collaborative and social on top of creative and empathetic. We'll get this baby-activist going yet. I really would prefer he manage a path through school that doesn't involve "I HATE EVERYTHING."   I'm grateful. This is a great school and a great team and I'll be able to transfer the IEP to Newton when we move.

A surprise feature of the IEP process is to carefully monitor to make sure that he is not being bullied or being the aggressor either. I think this is smart to track as part of the work. I can see him being on both sides of the equation, particularly when you toss in a fair bit of gender nonconformity. He's vulnerable and they can proceed with extra care to help re-direct and provide extra support as need be. I couldn't be happier at this point with our situation.

Hi friends. How are you? 

Today's a feeling mopey day. (Got to visit with someone I rather like yesterday, but It's Complicated tm. Not much to be done. I don't really want to talk about it here, but I do. Did I mention complicated?)  Then follow up from this year's Confessional) caused me to grin and blush a fair bit.  Because apparently it's a year where I was gifted my very own thread. So, if any of the anon commenters are reading here... hi! I deeply appreciate being appreciated. I'm still bone-deep intrigued by people carrying torches for apparently decades. I realize some things are not meant to be known by the object 'pon which one crushes, but ... well, you know. CURIOUS! 

(GAH!, naughty dreamwidth, which publishes the post when you hit enter when putting in tags. )

What else? Everything, nothing?

House- I've not mentioned much here, but I'm about to be a home-owner. asciiktty's parents' house will soon be my family's house. It's exciting! It's on the Newton/Watertown line, and will not transfer residence until after the end of the school year.

Work? Still not king. But got rolling on Preservica. Had my first training (finally) today, and soon it'll be a going concern. I'm also working on cleaning up within the Records Management part of my life, which goes with an Asset Management System.

Kid- Doing OK. Very 5. I haven't had the energy to post here, but dealing with gender expression and declared self "Girl" in the fall, which has been persistent ever since. (I need more long sleeve dresses for her).  Looks like repeating kindergarten is for sure going to happen. No surprise. If she were 3 weeks younger, she'd have been in pre-K again this year. I'm calling this the practice year- get the notions of what is expected sorted out and then work on academic benchmarks.

Wife- EMPLOYED! That happened uh, about a week and  a half ago? No, 2 weeks ago exactly. They called on a Monday for the next day. that's the union for you, friends. She's still looking for work that doesn't involve wearing a tool belt and hauling particle board. She's also being happy and ridiculous at a new person. I'm full of compersion for her. He's a nice guy and lives in Dorchester.

Health/physicality- been climbing still, not enough. I need to ping CRG and put a hold on my membership. I can't do all the things, as it turns out. When I live in Newton, that'll likely be my default gym since they have a location about 2 mi from my new house.
I also have been participating in StepBet, because asciikitty is an enabler. That has gamified my activity just enough to keep me from slipping. I'm starting to feel like there's some difference. My goal is to have my utilikilt fit me as it should again.

Fam- I got to visit family in the Hudson Valley a few weeks ago, and then my parents visited this past weekend. The NY trip was to see my aunt in Our Town. My mom's younger sister. My mom, my Aunt Leslie and Uncle Will plus ersatz-Aunt Susan (I actually have an actual aunt by that name, just to confuse things), plus theatrical aunt's two adult kids were on site. Jaime and Kid also came with. it was quite an impromptu reunion and I was happy for the chance.
My parents had been planning on visiting me this weekend for a while. Mom's a huge advocate of vacation rentals, a good way to get a decent place near my house but not IN my house to take some pressure off those family members who might not be that social, the fact that the house is big, but that with guests it no longer feels adequate. Can allow for the dog to come if they want (not this time). It's overall a good thing. This time we went to Newburyport and got a beach house. Yes, tons of snow on the ground, but it was still delightful. The house itself was one that I'd very much like to rent again for a fun get-away for adults (sans parents or kids). It had a great aesthetic and a very nicely stocked kitchen with sharp knives and quality cook wear.

I got my second session with Stephanie at the doctor's office on stress management. My first session is documented from 2 weeks ago. I've been doing a pretty good job integrating the first bit of homework

• Puff ball prize seems to be working. I've adapted the original idea slightly. The every day jar is smallish jam size (1 1/4 cups?), which is a bit over a week to fill. About 2, I think? He's lost a lot of puffs, so hard to say. From there, we will empty that into a quart size, hopefully month-ish. There will be another prize when that gets filled. When the quart is filled, it goes into the gallon (ish) size, which is the year. The ultimate goal is going to Hawaii! He can "earn" his way to the tropical paradise. We'll see how it plays out, but so far the collective familial opinion is that this is a good system.


• Focusing on effective over right


• Being careful not to capitulate (subset of previous point)- so, if I'm saying NO that remains no.


• Have been doing the Headspace-lead meditation. I actually started it over again after comleting the 10 day course yesterday (I was not hitting it on weekends, but hey, some is better than none)


• Kid has provided some thoughts on rewards for good behavior. Our beach trip Sunday will be his first, as he filled the "week" sized jar


• The "say it once" has been the hardest, I think. The kid can argue like woah. I will keep on it.

This week was dealing with cognitive distortions. This is a concept that I've delved into in the past. I know that lifecollage and I have discussed these brain weasels on more than one occasion. I've dealt with it with my niece, Laura, too. So, being reminded I fall prey to the weasels, too, and I can do something about it:

• Notice I'm doing it


• Stop and check in with myself what's triggered this


• Answer the inquiries made above (ex: Would I say this to someone I love? ...No, of course not." Or, "What are my options? How would I like to respond?... " <- and answering that)


• Relax and distract: go for a walk, meditate, focus on something else.

I had been working on dealing with this before Stephanie and I even met. I found that the walk wasn't quite enough, that when I was able to really focus on a task that I enjoyed or at least felt very competant to complete, that it was miraculous.
This was a great session. I walked in feeling very frustrated and left feeling like I had real tools to get on with what I needed to do. I'm interested in talking offline with people on all this, if it comes up, by the way. Or in comments!

Today was the first visit at my doctor's office for stress management. Initially,( exposition )( work of the first session )
( Problems to overcome )

( positive reinforcement )

( next steps )TL;DR? I need to reinforce my boundaries with my kid, learn to quit arguing with him, and do the hard work that needs to be done, otherwise it'll just get harder later.

Going through my old pregnancy filter here, I now wish I had named my kid Alabado, as I may have done, inspired by a work project lo these many years ago. Alabado!!! It's makin' a come-back.