Recalibration

[mizarchivist]

Today was the first visit at my doctor's office for stress management. Initially,it was supposed to be a group, but they did not net enough people who were a good match for this activity. I think they had about 5 or 6, which is a bit sparse when you have some attrition along the way. However, the therapist is willing to see me 1:1, which is kind of a sweet deal. All for the price of a co-pay per visit
The topics are (with some annotations for clarity:

1. Clarifying your values and goals Since I do a lot of self care and therapy outside these sessions I opted out of this. I'm doing graduate level work, not 101 stuff.


2. Relaxation and stress reduction techniques I said give me a few tips and I'll work on it on my own. She gave me a link to an app called Headspace, which I downloaded and tried out on the way into work. So far I am all thumbs up on this. Further, my coworker, C, independently gave it all the thumbs up. She started using it during the 100 inches of snow winter to deal with the horrible commute from the North Shore.


3. Effectively identifying and solving problems  YES LET'S DO THIS!! (We did- more below on what this entailed)


4. Physical activity and pleasant events - eh... if I can identify and solve my stress-causing activities, I'll automatically do more of this. My list, she is long of fun I want to have.


5. Learning to manage unhelpful thoughts Also not a top priority.


6. Sleep management Also a thing I think that will follow when I can control for identifying and solving my problems


7. Assertivelness and communication Yes, please. I want to work on this.


8. Creating a sustainable plan Yes please, I want to work on this.

OK, so more on what we did once I picked #3 as the focus for the hour.  Now that Jaime is back to work, I feel like about 60-70% of my stress (or more depending on the day) comes from parenting a very independent and headstrong 4 year old who may be age-appropriate, but that behavior is really hideous. Dash is motivated by wanting to have his own way and be as indepentent as possible... and avoiding boredom. He will try to manage this by any means necessary.  Given the ongoing stress that we've been dealing with for pretty much a full year, I've not had the wherewithall to bring my A game to the preschooler racket. I'm really proud of myself for being able to get help and I'm exceptionally hopeful that I've been given some means to change my tactics and thereby recalibrating the whole dynamic with my kid.

Problem 1. Capitulation. When presented with a lot of whining, I will end up giving in. This is the worst, as it turns out. I mean, I knew that, but for reals, guys. It's the worst. Therapist's coaching says: if you are going to give in, do it immediately. Otherwise, stick to your guns. All capitulations lead to escalatiaons and reinforcements of bad behavior.

Problem 2. Chinks in the armor. We have 4 parents in this house. If we are going to be consistant, we will all have to get on the same page, otherwise, he'll play us off each other like Bobby Fisher at an amateur chess competition. Once ascii and fubar return from their UK jaunt, we'll have to have a council of war to share details on how we will stay strong in the face of whining. Jaime and I started to talk over strategy, but we'll have to do this a few more times as we sort out implementation, particularly... then we have to make sure the other 2 are on board.

Problem 3. Arguing. I feel like I spent ALL my time arguing. Therapist says say it once, then let there be natural consequences. There are a lot of ways in which I feel like this is an almost impossible strategy in practice, but I started where I could tonight, and I feel much more calm for it, so a passing grade.  Again, we almost certainly need to get all the adults to buy into this strategy.

Problem 4. Getting over old default settings. I need to be mindful about what am I about to reinforce. What is my hoped for outcome? I can't allow my feelings to always dictate said outcome. And most important: Be effective, not right. This means I have to pick my battles very carefully. It also circles back to the tactic of giving in immediately or sticking to your guns. If capitulating and reinforcing whining and arguing is a result of me needing to be right rather than effective, my stress will always keep me at a breaking point.

Ideal scenario: I ask the kid to do a thing. I tell him what needs to be done once and give him prompts on time (get an egg timer or similar). Once the time is up, there will be natural consequences. Like, dinner is over: no more food til tomorrow. Or, it's time to go to school- if he's not dressed, he goes to school in his jammies and wet pull-up.
Bedtime will be a bit more complicated, as the end goal is him staying in his bed. Therapist points out that there are only so many things I can control for. I cannot make him go to sleep. However, I can say that he has to stay in his bed and the light has to stay off.

Contention points: getting ready for school/morning routine; dinner; bedtime. Basically ALL THE TIME.

Helper tool! I am going to implement a reward jar. I'm starting off with a smaller, pint sized mason jar. The counters will be colorful craft puffs. The package I got has 3 different sizes, which means I can rate tasks and behaviors at different levels. Once the jar is full, there will be an adventure prize. Therapist says it can't be food. OK, makes sense. So, I'm going to have to brainstorm some activities as prizes (trip to the museum of science or Drumlin farm; maybe go ceramics painting-- there are a lot of neat ideas we could figure. I will take suggestions in comments). The flipside of earning prize puffs is that if he fails to hold up his side of a deal, a puff is removed. I'm going to have to roll this out gradually. Make the initial successes easy to get. Eventually I want to move him up to a larger jar and wean him off the easy-gets.

Next steps:

• Confirm steps required to succeed (I think I have this bit, actually)


• What do the adults need to change in their behaviors in order to succeed


• What do the adults need in the way of tools/help/limits in order to succeed


• Work out more details in the ramp up of setting and keeping the rules


• Brainstorm rewards (let kid participate in this part)


• Be prepared for weeks of hell til he realizes that we are immovable.


• Have the promise of more tolerable child at the end of the hell

TL;DR? I need to reinforce my boundaries with my kid, learn to quit arguing with him, and do the hard work that needs to be done, otherwise it'll just get harder later.

Comments

[drwex]

I have, unsurprisingly, many thoughts on this - have been through it twice. If you want to a thought-share at some point I'm good with writing or in-person discussion.

Love you lots, glad to see you're getting some tools for this.

[mizarchivist]

Thanks :)

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

All that kid stuff looks very useful, thank you for sharing! And good luck!

(I said to Roo the other day, "Don't push boundaries!" B. reminded me that this is what they *do* at this age. I replied, "Yes, but I want her to *know* she's pushing boundaries, and I want her to know *I* know she's pushing boundaries.")

[mizarchivist]

I am not fond of reading self-help books. I'm very avoidy. This whole talk to another person and come up with a plan fits my capacities much better these days. If you wish to share some of the things you've found helped you, I'd be happy to hear them.

[42itous.livejournal.com]

My brother and my mom have both said good things about Headspace.

How about the trampoline place as a reward? I forget what it's called...

This is all very interesting (and useful) to read about, so please keep it coming.

I know you explicitly are not looking for book recommendations, but I'll just put this out there in case you change your mind: if you only read one book on this topic, let it be How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It has derpy comics illustrating scenarios, but also super useful all-purpose advice -- I read it over and over during the years I was working with kids.

[mizarchivist]

It also has the bonus of being a book Wil Wheaton recommends. :) Thanks. I actually like the idea of having a list of books if I suddenly find more brain-space.

[gilana]

I've actually read that book, and I don't even have kids. It's super readable, and makes a lot of sense. The lessons from there really apply to all relationships, not just kids.

Also, I'm really impressed at how you're dealing with this and that you're getting help when you need it. I hope it'll end up making things better for you in the long run, but I think it's very likely that it will make Dash a much better and happier human being, and will serve him well for future relationships.

[mizarchivist]

Thankee!

*pebble*

[lifecollage.livejournal.com]

Read this, will comment more thoroughly on the more recent post.