mizarchivist

I just wrote to a friend in G-Chat,

• Catastrophic structural failure to 21 year marriage
• Potentially life-altering injury to soon be divorced spouse
• Loss of most beloved cousin due to overdose
• Cathartic trip to deceased cousin's Canadian city to celebrate his life where I saw family [on the eve of pandemic]
• Most life-affirming first JoCo cruise under the initial crest of COVID-19
• Global pandemic
• Lockdown/quarantine
• Ex packing and leaving 3000 miles away
• Learning how to parent differently- I can't quite say singly because I'm not at all alone-- but very differently-- while in isolation.
• Focusing therapy and working on my own on co-dependence
• The increasingly heinous acts of violence perpetrated by an administration hell-bent on doing whatever it wants and damn the torpedoes (this one has been all along, so really just assume it's every other line)
• The surge of action for #BlackLivesMatter and hopefully will agitate our status quo into positive change.
  
  • inevitable realization of how much more work I need to do in order to live up to being actively antiracist

So yeah. any ONE of those things might make it tough to be coherent and be able to write about stuff. 

I'm not going to try. Just hi- I'm here, evolving, learning, overwhelmed, at peace, creative, reading, more learning, here.

I mentioned ArchivesSpace to my colleague, and before I was done explaining, he was looking it up and skimming pages and 100% on board. I felt like my justifications for why we needed this thing was entirely unnecessary and superfluous, beyond preaching to the choir- a solution that they'd been needing anyway. 

I love this job SO MUCH.  

And it's not an IF but a WHEN I get to implement this amazing software that I've loved so much and was sad to have to leave when I left the old job. 

It's very much on theme to talk about gratitude this week. So, this is the latest---
I feel valued, competent, empowered, and successfully absorbing the parameters of this job. I genuinely love being able to sit at the main desk and be available to answer questions.

The iterative nature of the work means I can and do get better as I practice. I still marvel about it because I've spent easily 3/4 of my life struggling with this, so I'm not yet tired of remarking on the process. It's about navigating the discomfort. It's about not being as proficient as I'd like and expect to be. Of meeting the expectations I imagine others have of me. I'm so grateful to have gotten to a place. The struggle, as they say, has been real.
Highlights of things that are easier now-

• answering tech reference questions where I am not an expert, but have no problem walking people through the steps and asking follow up questions
• pulling books for network requests
• admitting when I messed something up and asking for a refresher on how to do it right
• keeping calm under a barrage
• the &^%$ing photocopiers

It turns out so much of my job is simply being willing to try for an answer. Remembering the patterns I've seen from the previous hour or day or week. I may not be an expert on every aspect of library service, but I'm an expert in searching and I'm an expert at being a generalist here.

The old long-standing job turned into poison. A combination of too much time in one place, of feeling trapped, of too much change but not necessarily the kind wished for or an improvement. Of too many administrative expectations but no support or training. And straight up, just needing a fresh challenge.  I was so scared to leave, but staying was worse than the fear of the unknown. So I left. And it was scary.

But I did it. And now I have a job that feels like I'm supposed to be here. Not a job that's been rounded up from a middling low number. And I'm grateful.

Jaime broke her heel at work yesterday.  
May need surgery? Won't know til the swelling goes down. 
Immobilized and benched from all major activity for a month, maybe 2.
She won't be able to drive for who knows how long, as it's her right foot. 

IF for whatever reason you find you need to buy me a present? Here is a place to find practical and beautiful work done by a knitter-mom-friend from the internet: Sarah House- We have a plethora of her coffee mugs, but I'm in the market for small plates and mid-sized bowls (bigger than small, but not the biggest on hand.... is that vague enough for you?)

Anyway. In case that's relevant to anyone out there.

I've been sitting on this news since I did not until today have all hurdles cleared, but now I do!

I have a new job! Public library in [redacted] town, 4 miles from my domicile, just down the street from spouse's job. All library workers are municipal/city employees and are part of a union. I'll be doing work in special collections under the umbrella of reference. ::breathes:: whew. And I start just shy of one year after leaving My Old Job. Not bad, in the grand scheme of things! 

Kat-the-therapist commented today, that for all I am a bit of an iconoclast, I have some very emphatic streaks of TRADITION.

Context.
Young-me looked at her parents and assumed they were pretty much perfect and that it was my job to embody the best traits in them. My mother: empathy, nurture, creativity, and enthusiasm. My father: problem-solving and practicality. Above all: financial independence. Someone who could plan for the future, use the stock market to enrich my nest-egg, and don't rack up debt. But also, share all resources in joint accounts. Failure on this part was akin to moral failing.  My adult life has included:

• Moving to the east coast, to a city notorious for being an expensive place to live.
  
  • Parents moved Back Home because this very town was too much in the 70s. The 90s and Aughts haven't been an improvement. Buying a house happened there by default, because that's What You Do. The only way I/we managed this was with shared resources and living familial inheritance
• My professional training and choice of long term employer => also not hugely profitable.
  
  • Dad at least: CFO, business-savvy person. He has multiple degrees, one of which was an MBA.He figured out this whole "stock market" thingy decades ago. Mom followed his lead and this seems to have worked for both of them.
• My spouse's profession: full of boom/bust uncertainty and several demons to stare down that made financial security pretty much an unattainable dream until the demons could be exorcised and new paths established.
  
  • While there certainly have been challenges, there's some super-power situation happening here for sure. Demons they both have, but their coping mechanisms are the opposite of spending money.
• The national landscape in the intervening years since my parents were at my spot of adult-ness gone on to make even the most resourceful of us stagger and struggle, with leadership and culture that gaslights the crap out of all of us for feeling less-than.
  • My parents are Baby-boomers and have ever experienced an actual living wage, mostly predictable employment. See also, super-powers.

All this means that the bit where I am terrified to spend money and actively avoid doing so whenever possible, and fear of accepting help, because DAMMIT, I should be able to do this by myself. That I've already used up all my good will decades ago and one more bit of help would likely break everything and set everything on fire. Also, moral failure. Remember that bit? Super much that. A failure to be an adult and human.

OK- I think you've managed to infer that I've realized that this basic assumption is not remotely healthy and that the goal entirely unattainable with the parameters set.  And so now I know. And see bit about excellent therapist helping me work through this stuff.

And if that's not enough for one go, here's the other half....

I'm a poly queer woman. The person I married in 1998 identified as a queer cis-male. And then she came out 4 years and 1 week and 1 day ago. (Sept 5, 2015). In some back part of my brain, the same one that equates personal financial turmoil with moral failing also figures that someone who is queer should be able to roll with this diametric change. I'm queer, right? I like people! Yeah. And I prefer masc-presenting. Always have. Ask lifecollage about that time we were in Uno's following the sad demise of Shadowfax, the cat. Ruby Rose, Jason Momoa: if we're shooting for the stars, those are the archetypes that stop me in my tracks and make me forget my name. But here I am, in this place where in order to be the best ally, spouse, and queer, I needed to embrace the ultimate in femme. Or at least that's what I had decided.

If my self-worth as a queer woman was wrapped up in successfully including this aspect of attraction, let me tell you how hard I've been failing. And it has been killing me. Slowly. Genuine proclamations of love and affection would make me feel uncomfortable and like a fake. I would feel like I had no right to ask for more things, for what I really wanted. It was too much and unreasonable and not going to happen.

Please note again: past tense. Not very long past but past.  About 2 weeks ago I was able to express my fear and anxiety on this point to Jaime directly and she promised me that it was OK. I was not required to reflect with the same flavor and intensity the feelz. Did I want to continue on domestically as we are? YES. For sure yes. OK, then. Do I love her? Oh yes. OK, then! Nesties. And so I'm working through.

...Brain meat in this case.
So, I have a new therapist, as I've probably said lately, but not elaborated on.
I'm seeing her once a week at a set time, which previously I'd avoided a set time because I wanted the option of having flexibility. Reframing it, though- I'm prioritizing therapy that I'm making everything else fit around IT.

Some exposition- (My last 14 months...)
Therapist 1: I'd had the same therapist for at least 7 years and whom I dearly love, but maybe felt like talking to Aunty rather than working through and resolving stuff. Tons of validation, but either I was immune to her observations OR she wasn't as pushy as all that. Maybe that's what I needed to survive at the time. Anyway- after a certain point last spring, I realized it was time to move on, helped by the bit where getting to her was no longer remotely convenient.
Therapist 2: I loved her. Did EMDR, helped me find a way through quitting the last job. Then insurance changed and she was no longer a sustainable option.
Therapist 3: Not a good fit. I maybe tried to make it work for too long, but the fact that I didn't look forward to seeing her and wasn't comfortable with the outcome and it just wasn't meshing. So, I parted ways with her a few months ago.
Therapist 4: Takes my insurance, seeing new patients, is in a place I can get to.... and within the first 2 sessions, was clearly not a good fit. Too nice, too passive. I said so right away and she recommended someone else in the practice who does EMDR and is way more assertive/in your face with methodology. Yes, please. Let's do that.

Current Therapist (K): I feel like I leave a session with homework that I can't not do. It's always a question of some sort, Why do I... [fill in the blank]. I will stop short in the session and not know why I do that. Clearly I need to think more about that, then we talk the next week about it.  We're still in the getting to know you stage. She isn't a parent and her default settings are monogamous rather than poly, but she's young and agile in her sense of the world so I'm willing to carry the water to help her see my POV. She recommended some exposure therapy, which I was at first super excited about then realized how NOT READY I actually was, and so I've had to get comfortable with not being ready and just being patient with myself.

A realization I had after this last week's session was that I rush into conversations or choices mostly because it feels uncomfortable to be in limbo. I want to get it over with. Sitting with the discomfort and seeing how I feel after a few hours or maybe a day or two? Oh god. I'd rather not. Except rushing a decision brings on its own problems which are often MUCH MUCH worse than the discomfort. And it's hilarious that I'm trying to teach my 8 year old this, but haven't actually figured it out. Irony, thy name is being human. So, I am working on the idea of being OK with being uncomfortable and not knowing for a while. I am trying to be more mindful of who I talk to in order to work through my thoughts. I know I need to talk to someone. That's how I think. But making sure they're removed from the situation is pretty key. I'm grateful that I have choices on this pretty much in all situations (to date). I also need to be much more realistic that therapy day is going to wipe me out a bit and to not expect a ton of capacity. Hopefully I'll get more resilient as I go. I'm exercising my brain that is not used to these maneuvers. Of course it hurts.

Fast forward to today-- I got to meet the new curator here at work. She's amazing. The act of meeting her energized me and I feel more optimistic and interested in doing stuff. It reinforces the thing I realized a while ago but know about myself emphatically now: I am not supposed to work by myself. I need to work with a group or team. Otherwise I just stop caring real fast. It might be a special circumstance because I'm essentially treading water here and I'm not authorized to do major changes. I'm mostly grateful that I know this about myself and I can advocate better with this info. 

Anyway- that's the latest. I'm extra thinky about it because of the re-energized-ness.

*Buffy reference: "Double-Meat Palace," Season 6, Ep 12

Welcome to the end of summer-
Time is obnoxiously and inexorably doing the thing of moving one second per second. UGH.

WORK STUFF-
I've been at the same job since late April as a temp in special collections at the library I'm at.  I applied for the permanent job as curator, got an interview but was not chosen as a finalist. The finalist has since been chosen and will not be starting til October at the earliest. At this point I'm actively-ish looking for the next gig but also sticking around til new person shows up ... unless I get an amazing offer in the meantime. I'm pretty happy with how things are going at the moment.
My main job is to hold down the fort and keep things running. It's behind a locked door, but still open to the public and it's not uncommon to get drop ins. Management has been exceptionally kind, thoughtful, and flexible about the limitations of this one hooman. I enjoy and get on well with the staff and  have gotten to know a few of them, which feels pretty good. My main task was to write the documentation for how things go as much as possible in the 3 months between getting hired and the curator retiring. I hit all the marks that I identified as critical. It all got  a coherent structure for the documentation itself, too. It was deeply stressful getting that sorted out and traversing the political / interpersonal waters that comes with a new space. But I got through and all's well in this moment.
My current commute is idyllic. The best way to get there is riding my bike from my house to the commuter rail that crosses Moody St. in Waltham. I use the paths along the Charles. Let me just say that again: I get to go RIDE MY BIKE. AS PART OF MY COMMUTE! That's a thing that has been strikingly absent since we moved to Newton. Turns out it's a key part of my maintaining better mental health. I don't think it'll be so great once the bike-friendly weather ends: I'm not keen on riding in snow or the dark. But cross that bridge when we come to it.  In the meantime, I have the time and space to drop off the kiddo and get to the train while exercising, not needing a bus pass, and communing with the trail. Also I rather like the commuter rail when it's not broken. Reverse commute FTW!

CONSUMABLE MEDIA STUFF

• Reading as fast as possible: Alisha Rai's The Right Swipe.  I love her passion. She's one of 4 romance authors I follow. (... Huh. Apparently I've not gone on at great length about my 4 favorite romance authors, so will have to do so later.)  I believe hers was the first romances I ever got into and there's a good reason. She just PULLS you in and makes you care about these people. I have a twinge of grumpy about "WHY do you have to be so good and why don't you have more things for me to read that I've not yet read??" 
• Reading to kiddo: Wings of Fire, as fast as we can go- currently on book 9, Talons of Power. Although she asked about Harry Potter 7, which I said we could do after we're done w/ 9. The anxiety I had about the fraught of HP7 diminished entirely because Wings of Fire is bloodthirsty and she's been sturdy throughout.
• Audio book: Mrs. Lincoln's Dressmaker by Jennifer Chiaverini, audio, about Elizabeth Keckley. It pulls a great deal from Keckley's memoirs and from primary sources. It's my first book by this author. I feel like she definitely has a historian's persuasion, but is itching to set the scene and fill in the dialog, so had to rework it into a novel instead of a history. Also, if she did, it'd be a redo of Keckley's work, IMO.
• Podcasts:  Bawdy Storytelling with Dixie de la Tour. Best podcast ever. Go listen. Go support if you can. Savage Love podcast w Dan Savage (per usual- this is a weekly ritual that I never miss)
• TeeVee-- Brooklyn 99 and Lucifer-  I watch with Jaime; Great British Bakeoff - with ursa_cerulean ; So You Think You Can Dance-- season 16?! Dear god... - with tikibar  and ursa; Dear White People season 3, Outlander S1, Queer Eye S4, Madame Secretary S3- those are all mine and on my time-table. + whatever else I'm not thinking of or run across.
• Youtube: I had been a staunch Vlogbrothers fan for years and then got out of the habit of watching their new content. I started back up again this week and they are still so good, so pure. I love them to the edge of the world and back and I'm glad and grateful they are in the world and creating content that they share.  I haven't given up entirely on my other content creator subscriptions, but I'm not going out of my way to catch up on them.
• Misc: whatever drwex  sends me in trailers- a weekly ritual and one of the best bits of Friday (or Saturday if he doesn't share til then)

OTHER STUFF! In no particular order!!

• I found a therapist that I think actually fits. Now I need to calm down and be patient with the process. But, I see her every Friday and it's a great sign that I think about what she says and look forward to our next session. This was 100% not true of the last therapist, so I'm glad I severed that relationship and found this one.
• My child is turning 8 next week. What even. Second grade- still waiting to hear who the teacher is. So excite!
• I've been sort of on art hiatus, because I can't get purchase on it. I need to jump start that back into life.
• I wrote an article for the local archivist group newsletter. A thing that required I consider a manual of style instead of whatever I want like I do here. It was fun and a challenge

I wrote this in my notebook on 7/15.
I've not read it since, and now I'm going to transcribe it.

For so long I've tried to fit what outside expectations wanted, or what I perceived as wanted. It's an impossible situation and my hyper-vigilance cuts away at one rather than protects. Instead of being accommodating on what is voluntarily offered, I need to say what I want, what I need and trust the relationship I have established to be strong enough to withstand perceived selfishness: a cardinal sin in my head, apparently.

Too much Aaron Burr and not enough Hamilton. Waiting for permission and not planning to seek forgiveness. Add that up and I am afraid of putting myself out there and being unapologetically myself and... what .... hoping for the best.

I look in at myself and I'm relentless with criticism on how I look, and how I get through: with parenting, friend-ing, loving, working... Sometimes I feel eaten by resentment, anxiety, and fear til I'm a wraith of myself. I hold my breath trying to control my feelings til I hurt, ache and feel like I will shatter from the pressure. It latches in and lingers and it won't just slope off and leave me alone. But god.

I'm so tired of how much of a struggle it is.
As the Program says: " If you can't manage more just do one day at a time, one minute at a time. If you have to: one breath at a time. Let that be enough. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just start.

But I want to be wanted for who I actually am- Not what I am expected to be. I don't want to apologize for my enthusiasm and skills and deficits. I want to work with people towards shared goals. I want to have collaborative work and learn from those around me. Less bullshit and more trust.

Do I not want the current job opportunity because it feels like a thing that will make my family's life harder or because I genuinely don't want it. I've been hurt and scared and trying to fit into the space I am invited into- that the idea of taking any spot is terrifying and I can't see it when it's offered. It'll never be perfect. It might get great if I put myself into it though.
----------------------
And now, 3+ days later, I feel better than this.

Instead of having internal worry, I have external. Looking at the world and wondering how we can get through this new level of toxic. I guess one breath at a time.

:/