![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Aug. 27th, 2019 01:48 pm
It's a meat process*
...Brain meat in this case.
So, I have a new therapist, as I've probably said lately, but not elaborated on.
I'm seeing her once a week at a set time, which previously I'd avoided a set time because I wanted the option of having flexibility. Reframing it, though- I'm prioritizing therapy that I'm making everything else fit around IT.
Some exposition- (My last 14 months...)
Therapist 1: I'd had the same therapist for at least 7 years and whom I dearly love, but maybe felt like talking to Aunty rather than working through and resolving stuff. Tons of validation, but either I was immune to her observations OR she wasn't as pushy as all that. Maybe that's what I needed to survive at the time. Anyway- after a certain point last spring, I realized it was time to move on, helped by the bit where getting to her was no longer remotely convenient.
Therapist 2: I loved her. Did EMDR, helped me find a way through quitting the last job. Then insurance changed and she was no longer a sustainable option.
Therapist 3: Not a good fit. I maybe tried to make it work for too long, but the fact that I didn't look forward to seeing her and wasn't comfortable with the outcome and it just wasn't meshing. So, I parted ways with her a few months ago.
Therapist 4: Takes my insurance, seeing new patients, is in a place I can get to.... and within the first 2 sessions, was clearly not a good fit. Too nice, too passive. I said so right away and she recommended someone else in the practice who does EMDR and is way more assertive/in your face with methodology. Yes, please. Let's do that.
Current Therapist (K): I feel like I leave a session with homework that I can't not do. It's always a question of some sort, Why do I... [fill in the blank]. I will stop short in the session and not know why I do that. Clearly I need to think more about that, then we talk the next week about it. We're still in the getting to know you stage. She isn't a parent and her default settings are monogamous rather than poly, but she's young and agile in her sense of the world so I'm willing to carry the water to help her see my POV. She recommended some exposure therapy, which I was at first super excited about then realized how NOT READY I actually was, and so I've had to get comfortable with not being ready and just being patient with myself.
A realization I had after this last week's session was that I rush into conversations or choices mostly because it feels uncomfortable to be in limbo. I want to get it over with. Sitting with the discomfort and seeing how I feel after a few hours or maybe a day or two? Oh god. I'd rather not. Except rushing a decision brings on its own problems which are often MUCH MUCH worse than the discomfort. And it's hilarious that I'm trying to teach my 8 year old this, but haven't actually figured it out. Irony, thy name is being human. So, I am working on the idea of being OK with being uncomfortable and not knowing for a while. I am trying to be more mindful of who I talk to in order to work through my thoughts. I know I need to talk to someone. That's how I think. But making sure they're removed from the situation is pretty key. I'm grateful that I have choices on this pretty much in all situations (to date). I also need to be much more realistic that therapy day is going to wipe me out a bit and to not expect a ton of capacity. Hopefully I'll get more resilient as I go. I'm exercising my brain that is not used to these maneuvers. Of course it hurts.
*Buffy reference: "Double-Meat Palace," Season 6, Ep 12
So, I have a new therapist, as I've probably said lately, but not elaborated on.
I'm seeing her once a week at a set time, which previously I'd avoided a set time because I wanted the option of having flexibility. Reframing it, though- I'm prioritizing therapy that I'm making everything else fit around IT.
Some exposition- (My last 14 months...)
Therapist 1: I'd had the same therapist for at least 7 years and whom I dearly love, but maybe felt like talking to Aunty rather than working through and resolving stuff. Tons of validation, but either I was immune to her observations OR she wasn't as pushy as all that. Maybe that's what I needed to survive at the time. Anyway- after a certain point last spring, I realized it was time to move on, helped by the bit where getting to her was no longer remotely convenient.
Therapist 2: I loved her. Did EMDR, helped me find a way through quitting the last job. Then insurance changed and she was no longer a sustainable option.
Therapist 3: Not a good fit. I maybe tried to make it work for too long, but the fact that I didn't look forward to seeing her and wasn't comfortable with the outcome and it just wasn't meshing. So, I parted ways with her a few months ago.
Therapist 4: Takes my insurance, seeing new patients, is in a place I can get to.... and within the first 2 sessions, was clearly not a good fit. Too nice, too passive. I said so right away and she recommended someone else in the practice who does EMDR and is way more assertive/in your face with methodology. Yes, please. Let's do that.
Current Therapist (K): I feel like I leave a session with homework that I can't not do. It's always a question of some sort, Why do I... [fill in the blank]. I will stop short in the session and not know why I do that. Clearly I need to think more about that, then we talk the next week about it. We're still in the getting to know you stage. She isn't a parent and her default settings are monogamous rather than poly, but she's young and agile in her sense of the world so I'm willing to carry the water to help her see my POV. She recommended some exposure therapy, which I was at first super excited about then realized how NOT READY I actually was, and so I've had to get comfortable with not being ready and just being patient with myself.
A realization I had after this last week's session was that I rush into conversations or choices mostly because it feels uncomfortable to be in limbo. I want to get it over with. Sitting with the discomfort and seeing how I feel after a few hours or maybe a day or two? Oh god. I'd rather not. Except rushing a decision brings on its own problems which are often MUCH MUCH worse than the discomfort. And it's hilarious that I'm trying to teach my 8 year old this, but haven't actually figured it out. Irony, thy name is being human. So, I am working on the idea of being OK with being uncomfortable and not knowing for a while. I am trying to be more mindful of who I talk to in order to work through my thoughts. I know I need to talk to someone. That's how I think. But making sure they're removed from the situation is pretty key. I'm grateful that I have choices on this pretty much in all situations (to date). I also need to be much more realistic that therapy day is going to wipe me out a bit and to not expect a ton of capacity. Hopefully I'll get more resilient as I go. I'm exercising my brain that is not used to these maneuvers. Of course it hurts.
Fast forward to today-- I got to meet the new curator here at work. She's amazing. The act of meeting her energized me and I feel more optimistic and interested in doing stuff. It reinforces the thing I realized a while ago but know about myself emphatically now: I am not supposed to work by myself. I need to work with a group or team. Otherwise I just stop caring real fast. It might be a special circumstance because I'm essentially treading water here and I'm not authorized to do major changes. I'm mostly grateful that I know this about myself and I can advocate better with this info.
Anyway- that's the latest. I'm extra thinky about it because of the re-energized-ness.
*Buffy reference: "Double-Meat Palace," Season 6, Ep 12
Tags: