May. 4th, 2016 11:14 am
Further, coda
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mizarchivistEmotional state... I really do feel like I came out from a cloud this morning. Like the fever broke. But similarly, I need to remember that after such prolonged distress, I'm not able to go do things blithely as if I've been not emotionally fevered for too long. That I could easily fall into anxiety or anger when startled. So. Don't get over-confident because I'm not spiking a 103 (again emotionally)... maybe 99.9 feels normal after that.
Contributing factor 1: PMS snuck up on me on top of everything. I strongly feel that PMS just makes it impossible to ignore the feelings that are always there. And turns them up to 1000. The PMS fever seems to have broken, too.
Contributing factor 2: I also got at least one extra hour of sleep last night. Maybe more. The kid sashayed upstairs (sans pants) at 10pm (bedtime is 7:30-8). Clearly a sign I needed to stop watching silly TV and snuggle that kid til he was well and truly passed out. Of course I passed out, too.
This didn't help yesterday: Reading the summary of my visit to the nutritionist yesterday while feeling volitile and very fragile. It included the word "Overweight." I lost it. Getting backup on FB that it's just such utter bullshit has been very soothing, at least. Because it is bullshit. I will be giving feedback on that. Because I'm sure some notes have to be done. But if you've not gone in because you are concerned about your weight, to have THAT be a note, means they are pathologizing it. Otherwise it'd not be a note. I'd like to see a note that says "Has cute hair" or "demonstrates excellent boundaries" to prove it's not all shite or something. OR put in a note that refers to the bigger problems at hand: like, "in serious mental distress/in crisis"... I dunno. Like I said, I'll be giving them feedback on their feedback.
EDIT: fyi: I don't need reassurance here. I don't actually want it. I've pretty much worked through it and the convo on FB has already gone past my energy and interest.
She is victorious at work
? I spent an inordinate amount of time prepping the disaster plan to get printed. It's a 50+ page document. I decided I didn't want to print it in-house and do the hole-punching and all that shit. So, I had it farmed out. Which may have well taken longer than if I'd just done it inhouse. It was the principle.
+ I got feedback from the insurance on the guide
- Thhis morning after I spend a hundred bucks to get it printed
+ Of the feedback, there were 22 points. Of those, 6 need some sort of attention, and not necessarily "OMG, this part sucks", so partial mark-off on those usually. That's AMAZING!!! Outside validation that I'm not incompetent, which makes it easier to believe. But talk about tapping into a hard-wired thing that was really fixed in when I was in grade school. My report card came in and I'm doin' alright, guys! ::Kermit flappy arms!::
Clarification on the causes of my agita
So, sure, the trans thing is a thing and influences everything on some level. But let me tell you how Jaime's financial status is what has truly driven my state of anxiety through the roof more than anything else, making it harder to cope with the other stuff that may have to do with our interpersonal stuff or trans stuff. That she is working through her list of leads for side work, that she is taking this morning to organize and make use of the tool I crafted for her (Trello board), also further calms my high tension. Because I canNot pay for all the expenses of all 2 adults and 1 child, not even. Lolz. cries. Lolz. cries. chocolate.
Last min. addition following a phone call that disrupted this post
One of my back up plan therapists got back to me- not sure how she'll be deployed (me/couples/Jaime?) but I have homework to do before our meeting, so... :)
Contributing factor 1: PMS snuck up on me on top of everything. I strongly feel that PMS just makes it impossible to ignore the feelings that are always there. And turns them up to 1000. The PMS fever seems to have broken, too.
Contributing factor 2: I also got at least one extra hour of sleep last night. Maybe more. The kid sashayed upstairs (sans pants) at 10pm (bedtime is 7:30-8). Clearly a sign I needed to stop watching silly TV and snuggle that kid til he was well and truly passed out. Of course I passed out, too.
This didn't help yesterday: Reading the summary of my visit to the nutritionist yesterday while feeling volitile and very fragile. It included the word "Overweight." I lost it. Getting backup on FB that it's just such utter bullshit has been very soothing, at least. Because it is bullshit. I will be giving feedback on that. Because I'm sure some notes have to be done. But if you've not gone in because you are concerned about your weight, to have THAT be a note, means they are pathologizing it. Otherwise it'd not be a note. I'd like to see a note that says "Has cute hair" or "demonstrates excellent boundaries" to prove it's not all shite or something. OR put in a note that refers to the bigger problems at hand: like, "in serious mental distress/in crisis"... I dunno. Like I said, I'll be giving them feedback on their feedback.
EDIT: fyi: I don't need reassurance here. I don't actually want it. I've pretty much worked through it and the convo on FB has already gone past my energy and interest.
She is victorious at work
? I spent an inordinate amount of time prepping the disaster plan to get printed. It's a 50+ page document. I decided I didn't want to print it in-house and do the hole-punching and all that shit. So, I had it farmed out. Which may have well taken longer than if I'd just done it inhouse. It was the principle.
+ I got feedback from the insurance on the guide
- Thhis morning after I spend a hundred bucks to get it printed
+ Of the feedback, there were 22 points. Of those, 6 need some sort of attention, and not necessarily "OMG, this part sucks", so partial mark-off on those usually. That's AMAZING!!! Outside validation that I'm not incompetent, which makes it easier to believe. But talk about tapping into a hard-wired thing that was really fixed in when I was in grade school. My report card came in and I'm doin' alright, guys! ::Kermit flappy arms!::
Clarification on the causes of my agita
So, sure, the trans thing is a thing and influences everything on some level. But let me tell you how Jaime's financial status is what has truly driven my state of anxiety through the roof more than anything else, making it harder to cope with the other stuff that may have to do with our interpersonal stuff or trans stuff. That she is working through her list of leads for side work, that she is taking this morning to organize and make use of the tool I crafted for her (Trello board), also further calms my high tension. Because I canNot pay for all the expenses of all 2 adults and 1 child, not even. Lolz. cries. Lolz. cries. chocolate.
Last min. addition following a phone call that disrupted this post
One of my back up plan therapists got back to me- not sure how she'll be deployed (me/couples/Jaime?) but I have homework to do before our meeting, so... :)
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Sleep helps.
*hugs*
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And you still have cute hair, even if you're not fishing for it. Plus, still not on FB to speak of.
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