mizarchivist

I wrote this in my notebook on 7/15.
I've not read it since, and now I'm going to transcribe it.

For so long I've tried to fit what outside expectations wanted, or what I perceived as wanted. It's an impossible situation and my hyper-vigilance cuts away at one rather than protects. Instead of being accommodating on what is voluntarily offered, I need to say what I want, what I need and trust the relationship I have established to be strong enough to withstand perceived selfishness: a cardinal sin in my head, apparently.

Too much Aaron Burr and not enough Hamilton. Waiting for permission and not planning to seek forgiveness. Add that up and I am afraid of putting myself out there and being unapologetically myself and... what .... hoping for the best.

I look in at myself and I'm relentless with criticism on how I look, and how I get through: with parenting, friend-ing, loving, working... Sometimes I feel eaten by resentment, anxiety, and fear til I'm a wraith of myself. I hold my breath trying to control my feelings til I hurt, ache and feel like I will shatter from the pressure. It latches in and lingers and it won't just slope off and leave me alone. But god.

I'm so tired of how much of a struggle it is.
As the Program says: " If you can't manage more just do one day at a time, one minute at a time. If you have to: one breath at a time. Let that be enough. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just start.

But I want to be wanted for who I actually am- Not what I am expected to be. I don't want to apologize for my enthusiasm and skills and deficits. I want to work with people towards shared goals. I want to have collaborative work and learn from those around me. Less bullshit and more trust.

Do I not want the current job opportunity because it feels like a thing that will make my family's life harder or because I genuinely don't want it. I've been hurt and scared and trying to fit into the space I am invited into- that the idea of taking any spot is terrifying and I can't see it when it's offered. It'll never be perfect. It might get great if I put myself into it though.
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And now, 3+ days later, I feel better than this.

Instead of having internal worry, I have external. Looking at the world and wondering how we can get through this new level of toxic. I guess one breath at a time.

:/