Ugh, Teenagers

[mizarchivist]

I have mentioned my niece, Laura, recently. She's in Ohio, I'm here. We email each other a fair bit. She's a very tempestuous 14. She is very clingy and needy and will somewhat often throw temper tantrums even through email, and from my adult perspective for no good reason:
She doesn't want to share me with her sisters or other family members
She wants me to read her a bedtime story
She bewails bedtime.
Something-something, security blanket.
Sometimes it's OMG, she just has to come live with me
I have to come home to Ohio

I get less grief from the 18 month old some days, I swear to jeebus. And I know what she wants. Attention. And she is choosing an unhealthy way to get it.
A lot of the time, I just don't respond to the email where she flips her lid. I will occasionally explain how that's not acceptable, and yet, I haven't really seen a marked difference. I'm at a serious disadvantage. I rarely talk to her on the phone, I do not have a chance to see her face to face. But this must end. How do I guide her towards more mature behavior without threatening to abandon her?
Help?

Comments

[randysmith]

Caveat: I do not have kids nor a lot of experience with them, so my advice may be worth exactly what you paid for it :-}. Having said that: Maybe suggest a time out? I.e. since this interaction pattern is so clearly (*) not working well for her, maybe not emailing for a couple of weeks might be good for a reset? Even raising the issue might be an effective enough threat to get some change in behavior, and you don't need to threaten to abandon her.

(*) The extent to which you lay this on thick can be adjusted as appropriate to the audience :-} :-|.

[mizarchivist]

Caveat noted. Interesting thought. I'll sit with that for a bit.

[dreams-of-wings.livejournal.com]

Tantrums a out bedtime at 14? Good lord.

The teens I work with usually need a few things: acknowledgment that their complaint has been heard, a concrete strategy for dealing with the complaint (they often have a hard time figuring out solutions to their own problems), and clear expectations of what should happen instead moving forward. I don't know exactly how to apply these guidelines in your case, but they help me when I'm stumped about dealing with a client.

Also, the inestimable entrope has shown me a lot about the value of being unrelentingly supportive, even when saying hard things to kids.

[mizarchivist]

I just emailed her, identifying the behavior, and appealing to her to help me help her- that I want her to be a part of the solution, but the behavior is such that it points towards disciplinary/ consequences situations. And so on.

It's sort of my last ditch before we do something more like what randysmith suggested, which is bad behavior = punishment, which is ... ech. I don't like that dynamic if I don't have to do it, especially when this isn't even my kid.

And I have talked to her mom, who is looking into finding her a therapist. Fingers crossed.

That's excellent, and most of what I was going to say

[drwex]

D_of_w said most of what I would have said. My own near-teen is a couple years younger and since he is directly mine I have felt it necessary to reinforce consistently that I love him, no matter what. I try to explain that even when I'm upset or unhappy or even outright mad I do not stop loving him.

But I also have boundaries and some behavior is not acceptable within those boundaries. Requiring certain standards of behavior does not mean I suddenly don't love him.

In some ways, this is just an echo of what we've been doing for our kids since they were under 2: provide good, sensible boundaries; express love and support; set standards and hold them to those standards.

Lately it has helped me (not sure if it's helping Thing 1) to say, "Please use clear, direct communication." Passive-aggressive, emotional indirection, etc are not going to get him what he wants, but sometimes if he's willing to speak clearly and directly it will.

And no matter how childish they are acting, I try hard never to give up on speaking to them like, and treating them like, an adult. Sometimes that means looking at them like they are just a person who's having a very bad day and giving "bad day slack" if you know what I mean.

Hope some of this is helpful.

Re: That's excellent, and most of what I was going to say

[mizarchivist]

It is helpful, thank you. I mostly would love to help her get out of her own way.

This is crazy-difficult, but as the picture on FB says from earlier today: it's easier to build up a child than fix an adult. Well, doesn't always feel that way, but that.

[entrope.livejournal.com]

Smart, sensitive thoughts here! I agree.

And, thank you.

[nchanter.livejournal.com]

My suggestion is someone talking to her about good types of attention vs bad types of attention? Maybe set out framework for your interactions more? I have some half-formed thoughts here that aren't cohering well, maybe they will later and I'll be able to articulate better, but I know that as a teenager who felt that she was being ignored by her mother except when she was fucking up, had my mother taken more interest in discussing the things I was passionate about/working on, I would have slammed doors less. Does she have a creative outlet? If so, if you can make connections and discuss her work and also share your work with her, it might start to fill that void she's clearly feeling.

[mizarchivist]

And in further updates since writing, I have gotten a very thoughtful answer from her from my calm laying out the reality of her yelling all the time.

She definitely sees she needs more coping mechanisms, so I'm being as supportive as I can and seeing if we can redirect her further down the path of expressing her anger honestly, rather than acting out in tantrums.

Track starts soon. That should help. Get her mooooving.

Thanks :)

[randysmith]

Awesome. Much better result than my suggestion would have produced. Good for you (and her).

[missdimple.livejournal.com]

It might be worth mentioning to her that you want to actually *hear* her when she needs you. If she's yelling/throwing fits at you constantly, then you find it actually hard to hear her. I find the "I Statements" rule to be very effective these days.

Also, also

[missdimple.livejournal.com]

I also wonder if she's using emails to you instead of ranting in a diary. I remember from that age that venting at my diary was quite helpful. It didn't solve anything, but it definitely made me feel less angry at the world. Since you're far away, you're not "real" in some respects, so she's venting at a screen.

Re: Also, also

[mizarchivist]

Yes, to all this! And if nothing is required of me than her blowing off steam, then fine. If we both understand those kinds of emails are the equivalent of a diary or yelling into the void, then I can deal, you know?

Thank you :)

Re: Also, also

[missdimple.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's time to buy her a super cool diary with a lock. You can inscribe it with "Somedays you just need to scream at the 'Verse."

:D

[dreams-of-wings.livejournal.com]

that sounds really awesome – and it also sounds like you read the situation in a way that was intelligent and useful for everyone, as well as modeling the kind of support you want to give her.

[mizarchivist]

Thank you! I feel like I passed a test I didn't know I was taking. I hope we can keep going in this direction. I appreciate your empathy and thoughts so much.

[entrope.livejournal.com]

<3 I bet you pass those all the time. You're wonderful.

[mizarchivist]

Learning to pause and reflect builds my success rate quite a bit. And having lovely friends to help me talk through my thoughts. <3, to you!