Dealing with 3: tales from parenting-land.

[mizarchivist]

[I acknowledge here, I am reinventing the wheel-- I’m mostly writing this for my own remembering later]

When they say 3 is hard, I don’t think you can quite comprehend that on a bone-deep level until you find yourself arguing with your mini-me over the most ridiculous shit. The thing I’ve come to learn is for every “no” I say, he will always be able to come back one more time. The energizer bunny of argument (This isn’t an argument, this is abuse!... oh lord, so true)

I find myself holding my breath. And that makes me more wound up. I just want him to listen, and he isn’t. It’s hard not to focus on the negative and get wrapped up in trying to keep things on an even keel, keep a schedule from going out the window... just trying to keep from being a walking-talking doormat.

I feel like Monday I tried to hit the reset button for myself, that after the degree of angry and frustrated I felt on Sunday, I needed to re-evaluate what the hell I was doing... So here’s what I’m trying out. I have NO idea if it’s going to work, but part of my goal is to be less angry. This may mean I get snowed a few more times.

1. Try to say yes as much as possible, particularly if it’s a “I want to do something with you” activity. Today’s example: wanting to play a game with me after he got up. 5 minutes of playing the matching Halloween game isn’t going to make me terribly late and gives us an opportunity to have positive interactions. And I may say yes without delivering on it immediately. But I am agreeing to the idea. [exceptions to yes as much as possible: no TV before school, no extra sugar for breakfast... nothing that breaks major safety rules.


2. Try to remember what the ultimate goal is for the moment at hand. Be flexible to get the job done.


3. Related- Pick your battles.


4. Yelling is the mind-killer. He stops listening if I end up yelling. I mean, safety notwithstanding...  Of course, when I'm exhausted, hungry, and have heard "WHY?" 200 times in an hour, I may crack. But, he's not going to listen if I yell.


5. Be sneaky. This also relates to 2 and 3. If he freaks beause he can't tolerate the idea of a sandwich in his lunch, take out the sandwich. Then put it back when he's not looking. He feels he's won, and by lunchtime will probably not remember this was a problem. If he does, it's the teacher's problem, not yours (hahahahaaa). If he can't eat broken cheese stick, I promise him a new one... but in reality, toss the nub and present the remainder as a "new" one. Again, problem solved.


6. Five minutes of playing or doing as a transition to chores can work (related to #1), especially if I am playing with him. I got him to brush his teeth after playing with dinosaurs. We had to show Stan the Stegosaurus how well Crime Fighter can get ready for bed. This doesn't always work, but getting imaginative buy-in is still more fun than being a task master.


7. But don't get totally derailed. Try to circle back to what needs to be done. This kid is a con artist.


8. Do not engage if being asked for something that isn't happening. Say no once, then move on, possibly into another room and start doing other stuff. He will dig his heels in if you try to talk him down from his idea (usually tv-related)


9. Remember this little human's brain is still wrinkling. Also, it's possible to stay out of anger longer if you remember most of his acting out will be coming from hungry/tired/over-stimulated. This is cold-comfort when it's been 45 minutes, and he's not settling down to sleep, and you JUST WANT TO GO SIT AND WATCH AGENTS OF SHIELD ALREADY.


10. Adults need self-care!! Eat. Sleep. Pain management. Temperature management. Adult interaction. All these must happen. My melt-down on Sunday had a lot to do with uncomfortable clothes, not enough go-food, and both of us having a cold (mine was still very proto)

Please let my new leaf stay turned. I hated Sunday.

Comments

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

Word, forsooth, and well said.

[mizarchivist]

parental solidarity fist-bump, dude.

[drwex]

I hear you SO hard.

It is entirely due to Sunspiral's intervention that my elder child made it past 3 and I didn't end up in jail.

For me the problem was always remembering these things in media res. I could make lists and recite mantras and principles until I was blue in the face ... as long as I was out of the situation. But being thrown in, particularly unprepared or head first or by surprise or when underslept/fed... yeah, bad times.

In other words...

[mizarchivist]

Engage: LIZARD BRAIN.
Result: YOU ARE SCREWED.

I'm expecting to fall into the trap again. But I am hoping with ongoing practice on the other stuff, and getting more positive interactions on the micro level, it'll bolster for the totally shit fail points.

That we are 2 adults down this week at the house is also a factor for both us coping and for the kid's behavior. He misses his second set of parents. There MAY need to be a stuffed animal despite my vociferous claims he doesn't effing need another one.

[library-sexy.livejournal.com]

These ideas all sound great.....I hope I can learn from you as we start to move towards this age.

[mizarchivist]

I hope in the heat of the frustration some of this will be remembered.
::clinks glasses::

we can do this. it gets better (so they tell me)

Re: In other words...

[drwex]

In our household it was sometimes sufficient to acquire an accouterment for a beloved stuffed animal (even just a soft satin bow to be tied on) rather than a whole new stuffi.

11.

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

3 is about managing and learning to identify emotion. Storms can be shortened with sympathy of "it's hard being three" or "It's tough not to get what you want, you sound disappointed." Sometimes just having words to put to an emotion help.

We taught Thing2 sign language for emotions at this age because he needed a physical way to express his emotions.

4!!! This is so true and still true today, at least for Thing2. I wish I could remember the other stuff more and do the yelling less. I'm trying to embody my mom. The more angry she was the quieter she got. That always scared the crap out of me when she was angry and QUIET.

Re: 11.

[mizarchivist]

I do not see any active help in IDing the feelings for him. But I do anyway as a commenary to myself and other adults nearby that I'm trying ... eh... stuff. I lost track of what I was trying to say here.

Re: In other words...

[mizarchivist]

+1

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Ooh yeah.

I have to say that I found the recently-read copy of Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy, by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg, to be helpful. It was like "did they get ahold of a time machine 30 years ago and come to 2015 to write about my son?" levels of reassuring that X is just a normal 3-year-old. :-}

[ceo]

Yup, all of this. I've heard it said that the Terrible Twos are followed immediately by the Fuck-You Threes.

Re: 11.

[ceo]

For a lot of kids it helps them identify and understand their emotions. Of course, sometimes their emotion is "stop validating my feelings and give me what I want, you stupid parent!"

Re: 11.

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

LAUGH.

[veek.livejournal.com]

I hear you SO HARD on the hard. <3 <3 <3

[veek.livejournal.com]

I've heard this attributed to you, and it has been both an accurate description of my/our situation, and non-trivially helpful as a framing.

[mizarchivist]

SO TRUE.

[mizarchivist]

<3
Last night? The noodles were the WRONG SHAPE!!! Noooot wagon wheels, mama... nooOOOooOooooo. They have to be looooong nooodles

NOT THESE DINOSAUR CHICKEN NUGGETS! THESE ARE ALL PREDATORS (where's the stegosaurus????)

[mizarchivist]

I should look into that one.

[veek.livejournal.com]

Well, ok, clearly based on this you have been FAILING AS A PARENT. I mean. Seriously? Wrong shaped noodles?? What were you thinking?

SMH

[mizarchivist]

Also... Those are friendly dinosaurs... he can't eat them ::EPIC TEARS::

[fidgetmonster.livejournal.com]

I was probably terrible help when J was 3 because stuff like this would make me dissolve into laughter if I wasn't careful. (I had to leave the room a lot so she didn't think I was laughing at her.) or I'd be a bit irreverent "but the friendly dinosaurs are the tastiest nom nom nom". Maybe that was my coping mechanism--find the funny. I also refused to get into an argument with a toddler. (I was big on 1-2-3 Magic method). But I do remember a lot of empathy along the lines of 'it's hard to be 3'. That mostly seemed to derail escalation of any tantrums, even if it didn't fix it. But all of that takes presence of mind which is so hard to do when you're tired. i wish for you strength and good rest in your very near future.

[mizarchivist]

The dinosaur thing was hilarious. The noodle thing was a huge pain in the ass. I do think it very amusing that he ate the plain noodles eventually... All about control! Oy. And being hangry.