Some tools to get me through this

[mizarchivist]

It was haircut and dinner with drwex this week. This has been an excellent new tradition that guarantees we have an activity to look forward to every other month that gets us out of our hermit and day to day pattern: go feel good about our hair style with Dale at DHR, then catch up over dinner. Win.

He was a most excellent human and was game for me to walk through my anxiety and frustrations on how to adult and how to talk like an adult (and lately? Feeling like I was failing at that)  My go-to for conflict resolution was to use "I" statements. These are better than accusatory "you" statements, but still do not lead the listening party to necessarily feel heard or feel like they have an active role in the conversation.  So, what instead?  He's done a lot of work lately and was able to share what he's figured out. So, a list of things to do instead...

• Identify common goals. Frame issues in that way in "it will help me meet our common goals if you can help me with..."  And/or see if something can be agreed on "We may not agree on X but do we at least see that Y is something we want?"


• Listen to what the person is telling you and echo back what they say


• Ask them if that's right


• Find out what they need to move forward (and meet goals)


• BATNA: Best alternative to negotiated agreement. I'm still struggling a lot with how to sort out my BATNA for any sort of situation. I understand that deploying a BATNA is rarely fun or good, but that it's important to feel like you have a choice, and that sometimes the BATNA is just that: the best alternative.


• In the meantime, do not lose focus on the victories.


• Progress is not a straight line up and forward. Expect sometimes it won't work out


• (therefore) Do not expect to be able to have my new tools work for me each time. Be willing to implement bits piecemeal.


• Remember my OWN advice to myself: be patient and gentle with yourself and others.

Source for most of these suggestions

I want to treat this as a reminder to myself, this post. If anyone wants to clarify or add, if I think it'll work for me, I'll edit them in for future reference.
These tools are my security blanket. It gives me hope and makes me feel like I'm not a horrible incompetant who's just making everything around her worse. So, Wex: you are the hero of the revolution. Mwah!

Comments

These are some good tools.

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

So glad you guys have found that time together!

*HUGS*

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

::taking notes::

Also, go you for finding ways to re-connect that contain their own scheduled structure. This is very cool.

*BLUSHES FURIOUSLY*

[drwex]

Thank you luv. You are most welcome and complimentary. I enjoy having our regular evenings a great deal.

It should be noted that most of what we talked about I cribbed from Difficult Conversations, which I will enthusiastically hand to anyone who faces this sort of "How to Adult" problem.

Re: *BLUSHES FURIOUSLY*

[mizarchivist]

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 ?

:)

Re: *BLUSHES FURIOUSLY*

[drwex]

That be the one, aye.

[fenicedautun.livejournal.com]

The other one I find helpful, especially when working towards a common goal with somebody, is to stop every once in a while (depends on speed of progress) and in a relaxed setting (over dinner for me) ask what this great/better/good future looks like. And then both of you share what your future vision is, just to make sure you're both on the same page, and for inspiration to keep working.

At the same time, it can be good to start with some things that are SO MUCH BETTER, to remind yourselves you are making progress.

[mizarchivist]

Thanks and absolutely.