Recalibration, Part 3

[mizarchivist]

Today's session (ref to session 1 and session 2 here) focused on improving assertiveness.

Types of communication-
Passive: deny your rights while respecting rights of others
Assertive: stand up for yourself while respecting others
Aggressive: stand up for yourself while denying rights of others
Whether aggressive or passive, there are a lot of pitfalls that keep us from actually saying what needs to be said.

What trips us up while we are trying to talk

• get upset (brain shuts off, fight/flight/triggers)


• minimize importance of what we are thinking or feeling (can't accurately judge our own needs or advocate for them)


• straight up not know how we are feeling (same as above)

When someone is talking to us do we

• have words and body language not match (glaring, but not angry - or, claim nothing is wrong but tone and body language indicate that's not true)


• sarcasm  (easy for listener to feel like the situation is getting combative)


• joking (easy for the listener to feel that their feelings aren't important)

When someone is talking, how often do we not hear beause we

• rehearse what we are going to say (too busy waiting to talk, you aren't attending to what's actually said)


• judge what is being said (getting caught up in judging, you miss the nuance and point of view trying to be conveyed)


• problem-solve/fix (even if it's not requested/wanted/appropriate)


• lose focus/day dream/check out


• change the topic (humor/arguments to avoid a hard thing)


• placate (end the pain, defer your needs in order to come to a resolution and be "nice")

When we are trying to listen, are we

• filtering (not listening to all the words)


• looking for a hidden meaning

At the end of it, all these pitfalls keep us from speaking assertively.

Tips on how to have helpful communication

• avoid judgement words (that's dumb)


• avoid "you" messages (why are you yelling at me?)


• stick to the problem at hand, not dredging up old history (Just like last summer when you...)


• leave body language open


• be calm (easier to fully listen and absorb the informatin)


• be organized (what do you really want to convey)


• be clear (avoid vague and global statements. Actual examples)


• ask for feedback (are you being heard/did you hear them)

Framework for assertive communication

• Describe the situation and stick to observable behaviors


• use "I" statements instead of "you" statements


• Concisely say what you want (the other person to do)


• avoid being mousy or bullish (overly passive/assertive)- be open.

So what does this mean for me?
I am dealing with some bone-deep default settings that swing me into passive land. It never occured to me to question this as a problem or something that needed evaluation. It's how I've always been, as far as I know.  So, on a good day, I will think to check in and not assume things, but when I'm having a bad day and feeling insecure, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry, it's easy for me to fall into traps: Don't be a nuisance; If someone's engrossed, they don't want to be bothered; Carry all that emotional labor and then some.  It was hard to come to the realization I was sabotaging myself (oh look: making judgements about my sense of self rather than seeing it as revising skills...) I am getting over that initial reaction. Bring on the skills!

BIG GOALS:

• stop being afraid of others' potential anger or disapproval and find out what's really going on.


• be fully present when listening to someone (I will rehearse, judge, problem-solve, or placate pretty easily)


• advocate for myself if I feel like I'm not being heard


• do not deny my own needs for so long I go into crisis and can no longer talk effectively.

Self care is awesome!!

Comments

[badlittlemonkey.livejournal.com]

I think I need to save these notes for my own future use! I'm glad you're getting some good tips on self-care, and I hop they prove to be helpful. :)

[mizarchivist]

Good, yay!! I write this up partially for my own capacity to remember and internalize/come back to later, but also I do want it to be an opportunity for others to evaluate their own communication and consider some options for improvement. If you go to Arl. Family Practice, you could get the same coaching I get, if that sounds appealing. We can talk offline if you want :)

[rintrahroars.livejournal.com]

Yeah. This is something I need to do some work on too. *Adding to the list*. Thank you for sharing. And also? *hugs*

[mizarchivist]

This was initially supposed to be a group style session, not 1:1. I was very resistant to the idea of having 1:1, but in the end I love it because it can be tailored to me. If, when you go into the office or call in, I would recommend asking what the availability is for Stephanie and the stress management coaching. I go in every other week right now, which feels pretty reasonable and I've set up sessions through the end of August to optimize getting an early morning.

Again: I encourage you to give it a shot. It's really been such a lovely thing to feel in control and have new tools to work with.

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

Your timing in this post is really good. I've been dealing with dropping into the passive because somehow I believe that this means I'm doing the adult thing. But speaking up also means that people go away. This is hard.

[mizarchivist]

Oh, triggers. HOW YOU DOIN'??? Not so great, actually. ::hugs::

[drwex]

All very good things; I recognize many of them. Thanks for the note-taking.

[mizarchivist]

the day after and I'm feeling optimistic and energized. Finally.