Building the tools of the mind

[mizarchivist]

"Why would anyone ever really like you"
"You call this a problem? Pfft. You're not dying of cancer, shut up"
"It could be so much worse"
"You can do one more thing"
"They're going to be mad"
"You're going to disappoint"
"Why do I have to be the one to arrange...[this logistic]"
"Best come up with Plan G just in case A-F falls through"
"Doesn't anyone else see this task that needs to be done?"
"If I don't do it, it won't get done"

drip
drip
drip

My weasels drip into my brain these drops of poison that perhaps once were there to protect me, or as best  they could figure to protect me. But poison nonetheless. These thoughts manifest and pour over my skin, trying to sink back in. I siphon them off into the vessel that lives on a far up shelf in the basement, far away from being bumped and knocked over. I don't let them settle back into my skin. It's just a thought. It's not a truth. Put it aside until you can figure out how to remove the poison.

The anxiety lives in my jaw and in the space between my shoulder blades. It steals my breath and my distance vision.
I stop. I breathe, I squeeze the drops back out and put them back in the vessel and remember I'm not on fire. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to figure this all out RIGHT NOW.

**
I bought this vessel shown in the new icon on this post. It's the perfect representation for the one that I imagine when I'm sequestering these thoughts.
**
I'm resistant to hear people tell me "no, no, you aren't those things"-- I know. I know it intellectually. I feel a need to name them, but I am uncomfortable with people defending me and singing my praises as a way to negate what these thoughts convey. I'm not looking for a cookie or attention. I'm just naming them so I can have them not own me. OK? Thanks.

Comments

[drwex]

You are so "me" sometimes. Seriously, fuck those weasels.
<3

[mizarchivist]

HUG
Yeah, really. They are not actually helpful. I wonder if they think they are...

[drwex]

I don't know how to answer that for you. For me, they absolutely are. They're part of the complex that got me through my childhood alive, without killing myself or doing something epically stupid that might have led to me being dead (ask me about my brother sometime). My problem is that they're so deeply ingrained that (a) I don't know what normal people have in place of these things and (b) I can't imagine how I'd interact with the world without them. They're likely not pro-survival anymore but I don't have a yardstick to measure that with.

[mizarchivist]

I think part of the reason mine are really clamoring is because I'm trying to modify/de-fang/evict them. I want to find out what it's like to think in a way where I may think them for a moment, but the thoughts don't keep me in a loop of behavior that serves no help to me. Or possibly anyone. But let me tell you how I'm not there yet.

[drwex]

*pulls up a chair for listening*

[coraline]

that vessel is beautiful and hope having a tangible object helps.

the weasels are strong this week.

[mizarchivist]

::solidarity::

[42itous]

I too have some of those weasels.

[mizarchivist]

<3

[jasra]

The weasels are a bitch. I looove the imagery of the vessel as well as the photo.

[mizarchivist]

Danke

[caulay]

I know those weasels. So glad to hear that you're working on a way to deal with them.

[mizarchivist]

I appreciate it

[curly_chick]

Thinking of and commiserating with you.

[mizarchivist]

very appreciated!

[lifecollage]

That vessel is....perfect is the word that comes to mind, but perfectly what? Dunno. <3 you and I'm hear to listen to whatever the weasels are squeaking about today.

[mizarchivist]

Thanks, love xoxox