The patterns of friendship

[mizarchivist]

If incidents are drops of water and my brain the bucket, I've finally reached the spilling over point where I feel a need to figure this one out or at least come to grips with it... more the latter, really.

I remember when I was young and the world seemed to be filled with a lot more absolutes, that friendship was supposed to last forever and ever and ever. Theoretically with little variation in the chemistry between the friends.
Obviously, that is not remotely true, and I've known that for a while. However, I have noticed that it seems like a significant number of people have fallen by the wayside for me in the past few years. At least most of them are for different reasons.
If a break-up is the cause, it seems to be the most obvious and dramatic- Despite one's best intentions, one rebuilds the walls when you do the healing process, and somehow the footprint of that wall rarely stays the same shape. The hardest is when the ripple effect of that wall-building effects other people.

Distance seems to be a less personalized cause for drifting apart, especially if you had formerly been closer together and had more natural opportunities to see each other. Sad if permanent, but not necessarily irreperable. When I went back home and failed to connect with some of my grade-school and high school friends who were likely only a few miles away, this sort of damage becomes pretty obvious.

Loss of commonality I have particularly noticed this with a friend of mine from high school and college that lives in DC. She and I used to talk about all sorts of things and fairly regularly. I chose not to share a whole lot regarding some of my preferences for social activities, but there was still plenty left to chat about. I could write a book about this particular friend and her foibles, though.

Certainly combinations of these things just exasurbate it all. And after writing all of this, I figure there really isn't anything to be done about it, as such. I'm not a horrible person because I don't talk to Suzie Creamcheese as much as I did n-years ago. Especially when I do contact him/her, s/he doesn't really bother to respond.

Another entirely other factor is reaching capacity on people one sees/talks to. There are, afterall, only so many hours in the day.

Oh well. I've lost my steam on this. It's just a thing: one that won't ever really go away. Hopefully the control freak part of me will be able to accept it more in the future

Comments

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

-I once read a comic in which someone declares to a newly met person, "I'm sorry, but I have too many friends already. Until someone dies or pisses me off, I can't meet anyone new. But I'll put you on the list."

-That comic is feeling less like a joke and more like a plan every day . . .

[trouble841.livejournal.com]

I've actually said something similiar to that -- "I have too many friends already, please don't expect to be more than an acquaintance."

Of course, I tend to make exceptions to that.

[feste-sylvain.livejournal.com]

When Shriekback said, "Everything that rises must converge", they were wrong. Unless we're growing with someone, growing means growing apart.

Fortunately, "with" can mean "in the same large cultural stew". That's why I actually like reunions; it is always pleasantly surprising to see how many of my distant friends have made similar growth patterns as my own. (Contrariwise, it's either cynically confirming or disheartening to see how many have grown into alien life-forms.)

But more than 168 hours of music is released every Tuesday. You literally can't keep up with all the friends you make over the course of your life. This becomes more obvious as we age.

[mangosteen]

But more than 168 hours of music is released every Tuesday.

That's what FFTs are for. Speed things up by 5%. You'll never even notice. :)

[ceo]

I hear you, on all of those. Happily, I've successfully found a few long-lost friends via LiveJournal.

(I'm also amused by your choice of generic friend names. I wonder if I'm the only person on your friends list who gets the reference...)

[aroraborealis.livejournal.com]

LJ rocks for this -- it's a low-effort way of keeping up with people who I probably otherwise wouldn't manage to stay in touch with.

[mizarchivist]

yes- it does work for me for a lot of folk (whew)

[lizzielizzie.livejournal.com]

hear hear!

[mizarchivist]

I wonder if I'm the only person on your friends list who gets the reference..
Gods, I hope not. Frank would have to start haunting people.

[ceo]

Now that one I don't get.

[feste-sylvain.livejournal.com]

What's got into you?

[dani-namaste.livejournal.com]

I swear, this stuff must be in the water. I've been thinking a lot about this exact subject of late.

[lizzielizzie.livejournal.com]

I've had similar issues the past 3 or 4 years. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it gracefully.

I've found that in the majority of cases, the interests or situations that kept these friendships going aren't there anymore, so I have to decide if I want to put in the effort to get to know this person or that person all over again, or just let the friendship wither up and blow away in the wind. The thought of starting and restarting friendships is, frankly, exhausting.

If I thought someone would nto take it personally, I'd just go up to them and say, "Look. We've known each other a long time. Let's not kill ourselves pretending we are the best of friends when the truth is that we are really just acquaintances now. It's OK to let go."

Perhaps I should go babble in my own journal.....sorry. :)

[mizarchivist]

If I thought someone would nto take it personally....
I do know what you mean and interesting. I'd not thought of it. Thanks for the thought.

[kazmat.livejournal.com]

Relationships are fluid things, and it's very hard (and unhealthy) to force them to be static.

[mizarchivist]

too true. It's hard to reprogram into acceptance after spending years really working at keeping so many (non-reciprocal) relationships going.
And this isn't to say that there aren't people who are worth the effort, but after the effort has been made and it still doesn't go... it's that bit I'm contemplating.