A mental tick I have that is not like many others

[mizarchivist]

Aren't I posty? Doing this is more interesting for than the file folders.

So, apropos of a friend announcing her pregnancy:  My initial reaction upon hearing this news from someone who is either a peripheral friend, or someone I just haven't talked to enough to know if They're Trying, is almost never happiness and excitement for this person. I feel a need to determine if this turn of events is good or bad news.  And when musing about it, I think I have pretty good reasons being: 
1. I'm not a parent myself and until very recently, if I were the one who was giving the news, I'd be wondering about how I'd be able to manage this.
2. Three of my closest friends from childhood were pregnant before they were 21. For two of them, this was not a good thing. They (all) have beautiful daughters. All of them now have multiple kids and supportive partners, which is an improvement over the first days.
3. Parental influence- I just got off the phone with my mom in the middle of writing this, and I had related the news of friends and my reaction. Apparently she does the same thing. I'm very amused by this.

I try for something in between: "omg this is the best thing evar" and "um, sorry?" - I am pretty sure I've offended or disconcerted news givers in the past. If nothing else, I feel awkward about my default reaction.   Hey, I just realized I've been informed of two pregnancies so far this week. The parents in question seem quite pleased by the turn of events, so I can offer my unstinting congratulations.

ETA: Ok, I guess I'm not as alone on this one as I thought. That's a bit of a relief, really.

Comments

[fraterrisus]

i pretty much do exactly the same thing. and i always feel awkward around other people who are inevitably OMGBABYCONGRATULATIONS!

Yes

[drwex]

This.

As you may recall from our own conversations, I'm a very strong proponent of planning pregnancy. The fact that something north of 70% of pregnancies in the US are unplanned to some degree weirds me right the hell out.

(Here "unplanned" is everything from getting pregnant due to an assault to "Oh, hai, guess what!")

[roozle.livejournal.com]

I don't think that having the first thought of oh, um, is this sympathy or congratulations is all that rare.

[dbang.livejournal.com]

Doesn;t everyone do that? I totally do, unless I know the person well enough to know which direction their feelings will go.

In this case, I knew... :-)

[caulay.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you realize that, given my family history, my first thought on hearing such a thing is almost always "I'm sorry!" and I have to try very hard not to say that.

So yeah, I don't usually do a very good job of offering congratulations on the impending "blessed" event either.

[rhysara.livejournal.com]

I have the same kind of reaction. I sort of default to "OMG what are you going to do about it?" until cluing in about a second later that this is supposed to be GOOD news.

[tamidon.livejournal.com]

I'm usually pretty upfront. If I'm not aware that they're actively trying and I don't get any clues(like"OMG BABY BABY YAY YAY YAY") I'll just ask "and how do you feel about it?"

[mizarchivist]

I did this tactic not that long ago with a friend from library school, and it was his reaction to this that sticks for me on wondering if I offended.

[amber-phoenix.livejournal.com]

I do this too, with the added complication of only being truly happy if I think the parents in question will be good parents (regardless of their happiness about it). It makes for a delicate dance.

[cad-red-ducati.livejournal.com]

usally a nice "that's wonderful" is fine. not over the top and not offensive. I had rude people say shit to me when I got pregnant with W:

"well, at least you are married."

"oh no, what are you going to do?" (a look of horror on their face, and this was after I said something like "hey guess what? B and I are going to be having a baby." with a smile.)

these sort of comments were from people do were spending too much time thinking about themselves in the same kind of situation. if this person, who isn't that super close to you, is telling you this, it is safe to assume it is a good thing. you don't have jump up and down about it, just be nice. if it was a bad thing, you won't have been told.

[mizarchivist]

Speaking of pregnancy- I hope yours is going well.

[catness.livejournal.com]

When Ann (my race partner) got pregnant, my reaction was:

"..."

"Wow."

She said "THANK YOU for having the only appropriate response to that I've heard. Everybody else is *so happy for me* and I'm just not even sure I want to go there yet. I don't know what I'm going to do."

For some women, breeding is the end all/be all to their existence. Their lives are a buildup to that point, and that's where their focus is. However, most of the women in my immediate and preferred social circle are not motivated in that direction, at least not unilaterally.

(Edit: That's her arm in her race leathers on her bike (a duplicate of mine) in the icon.)

[kazmat.livejournal.com]

You are not alone...

[mizarchivist]

Snarf- that's a fantastic comic

[milknut.livejournal.com]

When told by a close friend that she was pregnant I definitely screwed up the response by saying "Oh wow... What are you going to do??" She is/was married, but having trouble in the marriage so I was thinking that it was a rather bad time to be spawning. Then, with her second child, a more appropriate question was "who's the father?" because her marriage was worse than before. I don't think I said it out loud, but I definitely did not show gushes of joy for her. I found it highly irresponsible for her to be having kids with her marriage in turmoil. Jerry Springer would have a field day with this woman!

[supercheesegirl.livejournal.com]

I do this too. Often I'll just respond to an announcement with a "Wow, that's big news!" or something else non-committal, in the hopes that the friend will then follow up with a "We're so excited!" or something to let me the context.