Just believe, just breathe

[mizarchivist]

Telepopmusik .... you speak to the essence that is me.

I'm dealing with an emotional hangover today. Therapy yesterday was hard. I just feel stuck and frustrated much of the time. I don't want to rehash it all, so just trust that it's like that without specific examples. The therapist challenged the root of some distress, though, which is that I feel like if I admit that something's a problem for me, then I have to immediately DO something to rectify that. She (rightly) points out... nope. I don't. I don't have to swing into action the second I admit there's a problem. It's OK to just admit that something is hard, or not ideal, or flawed, or frustrating. Huh. Well, like all things like this assumption, once you say it out loud like that it makes sense, but ridiculously hard and insidious while sitting there in your head, demanding that it's right and it knows best.

I was glad to see unalmas last night. They are always a delight.

Comments

[kitchen_kink]

Frickin love that song.

Also...yeah, this x1000. I think sitting with What Is is probably the hardest thing for most people. I consistently feel like it's the hardest thing to do in my own life, it's the hardest thing for my clients to do when I invite them to...

Yeah, it's hard. Wow, that got meta.

[mizarchivist]

But maybe now I can actually successfully show some self-compassion, which has been eluding me pretty hard in the last span of time that's probably somewhere between a month and forever.

Woo, meta. ::sigh:: - thanks for sharing, though. I've been sitting with all this a LOT more in general in the last 2 months when I started going to al anon. Never thought it'd be for me. Surprise! It is.

[unalmas]

<3 love you both. What a fucking journey, isn't it?

[mizarchivist]

true. facts.

[drwex]

some self-compassion, which has been eluding me pretty hard in the last span of time that's probably somewhere between a month and forever

Yes. Yes, it has. *offers very big hugs*

Ye gods, yes.

[taura_g]

It's amazing just how true and how incredibly hard the "Step One: Admitting you have a problem" really is.

I find though, that admitting it to myself often means sitting with it, digesting it and/or letting it marinate for a while can take even longer.

What a lot of people forget or miss is that getting to "doing something about it" can take an awful lot as well. And as I am typing this I am wondering if the adage needs to have a corollary included with it.

Re: Ye gods, yes.

[mizarchivist]

I can admit to myself I'm not happy or I have a problem. Saying so to someone else becomes the dangerous part. Especially if I then have to gird myself to defending my choices or inactions.

ohh depression, you're SO MUCH FUN!! (not)

[caulay]

Yeah, the brain weasels often vanish in light.

The problem is them coming back in the dark. . . .

Hang in there, this is a step forward.

[mizarchivist]

Wait, that's metaphorical light. Dammit. Yeah, they often do. Would they were less light-resistant.

[omly]

This felt really resonant for me as well. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.

[coraline]

Oof, emotional hangovers are rough :(
I'm glad to hear about the progress though -- sitting with discomfort is a big one :(

[mizarchivist]

apropos of nothing at all, other than I've just spent an extra bit of time staring at your user pic-- I want to make a mini block print of ivy to decorate a scarf or two. :)

Also yes, and progress is not linear, dammit.

[coraline]

oo, that's an excellent idea!

[lifecollage]

"We are [wo]men of action. [Mental] lies do not become us."

[That got surprisingly meta when I rewrote the quote....]

What I mean is: you're a person of Action. (Like running to stand down a group of teens defacing a statue with silly string.) It's no surprise that your need to make rightness works the same way in your brain as it does in your outside actions. Tricksy thing is when it bumps up again other people's responses to that need.

*sigh* I'm half asleep and waxing profound, but you're heard, hon. *hugs* and much love on the insight and self-compassion.

[mizarchivist]

I'd not seen it that way, but of course. Of course.

What I've been reminding myself is that I'd not try to go rollerskate all night on a sprained ankle, but I expect myself to be able to do mental gymnastics and logistics with a deeply fractured psyche. Gotta... slow... down. And be kind.

Thank you for being present and you. All of the love.

[rintrahroars]

This. We never treat those mental challenges as we would a physical challenge. I so hear this. Also, kudos for not jumping in to FIX THE THING that is broke after therapy. I struggle with this. I see therapy epiphanies as actionable items! I gotta take a page from your book. <3

[mizarchivist]

Yeah.... it's pretty insidious for me. I feel that urge to act as soon as there's any witness of any kind. Possibly pre-emptively. We can do it.

[lifecollage]

That is a wonderfully apt metaphor. Everything takes time to heal, whether body-meat or brane-meats. I expected to take a couple of months to chill out and then swing back into full-time work. As M has told me multiple times, "you only just started healing from your burn-out by spring - you needed that full year."

One last comparison, which I use all the time. In Pegasus In Space (a story world with psi powers), Anne McCaffrey has her characters show that while physical work in space is less taxing, psi/mental work in space requires the exact same amount of energy as in full-G. Mental (and emotional) work is Work, and you can run out of energy for it just like physical activity. Gotta take time to recharge and heal when you're spent.

<3

[mizarchivist]

Now to convince the brane-meat to BELIEVE this. Still again more thank you for... everything.