Something my neighbor said

[mizarchivist]

I woke up this morning and remembered one of my dreams was about my ex... someone I started dating about 10 years ago now (10 years ago next Thursday, as a matter of fact) -

Because it's almost our "anniversary", I was once again debating on writing him a letter trying to come to terms with our bad blood. I haven't been this crazy yet, mind you, but I think of it from time to time.

I was talking to Pam, my neighbor, at the bus stop this morning about having dreams about exes after all these years. When she heard where I was leading said "whatever you do, never contact old boyfriends. If a woman contacts a man after a few years, she's considered desparate, stalking [or in some way out of line]. But it's ok if a man calls a woman out of the blue."

I don't want to believe this. I want to believe that my friends and I follow a different, less biased code. But I can't convince myself. However, when it comes to this ex, I will follow that advice.

Do you, my friends, think my neighbor is right?

Comments

nope, I don't believe it.

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

I've done it several times over the years and have only had good responses from the men I've contacted. I will admit that one ex-bf's wife was not happy about me getting in touch with him but she always had a problem with me even when he and I stayed friends after he broke up with me to date her.

However, I've had less favorable response from getting in touch with old female friends.

Do what your heart calls you to do. If you are not sure, then wait. See if the urge is still there is 6 months or more.

[samuraizergling.livejournal.com]

Please don't give my advice any more weight than you would if I lived in California or New Zealand, instead of Ohio. Except when I speak of my actual experiences, I don't claim to know more about this particular situation because of my location.

Speaking generally, I believe you are correct in thinking that your friends follow a less biased code.

Speaking specifically... While I agree it [contacting the ex] is something that ought to be done, I would only suggest doing it when you are emotionally prepared for a struggle. The last time I confronted him on this topic, it ended in about a stalemate, but I don't think he can shut you out the way he did me. It'll definitely be emotional, and traumatic, for both of you... like pulling a (metaphoric) knife from a wound. Hurts like hell, but you can't heal properly 'til it's done.

P.S.
>...someone I started dating about 10 years ago now (10 years ago next Thursday, as a matter of fact) -
Do you suppose he is aware of this?

SZ

[beowabbit]

Well, I never got into the whole gender thing all that much, and anybody who says "women should behave this one way and men should behave this other way", unless it's about stuff like childbearing, nursing or writing one's name in the snow, immediately loses a lot of credibility with me.

Also, I never understood not wanting to stay in touch with exes, as a general rule. I guess some breakups are so painful you need some time apart, and some breakups are motivated by problems so severe (like you discover your partner is a cannibalistic homicidal maniac) that you don't want to stay in touch, but in general people I've ever been involved with are people I'd like to stay friends with. And with one exception I can think of (she turned into a raving right-wing loon after we separated), I'd be glad if people I've fallen out of touch with, or people who felt like they needed to break off contact with me for a while, got back in touch with me out of the blue, even if all they felt up for was an email or a card every few years.

I wonder if your neighbour's advice is motivated by the idea that women should be passive, sought-after objects, rather than active subjects. If you think a woman is only ever supposed to answer the phone, not dial it, then for a woman to call a (presumed male) ex out of the blue is deviant behaviour but for a man to call a (presumed female) ex out of the blue is normal. You can guess what I think of that model of the world.

On the other hand, maybe your neighbour is struggling to resist her stalking impulses, and knows if she called an ex out of the blue it would be a bad sign. :-)

Actually...

[mizarchivist]

You, my dear, are one of the leading people I considered when thinking about the people this rule of Pam's *doesn't* fit.

Pam's advice was based on the experience of calling up an old friend and having him act very odd and his wife even odder. She didn't think she did anything wrong, but the ex and his wife acted... well that way. After that she decided that this must be a relatively normal reaction in the greater collective community and figured to leave well enough alone.

As for exes--- this particular one is The Ex. The only one I know of I am on bad terms with.

I've gone back and forth on pick it or leave it alone all morning (NO I'm NOT obsessive, thankyouverymuch) and I think returned to leave it. If he really wants to find me, he could do so without trying at all.

Anyway, I think our particular community, Beo, is much different than your average group of people *grin*-- that your and mmeblue's opinion are more to what is my reality as opposed to my neighbor's. But let's leave sleeping tigers with arthritis in old wounds lie :)

Re: Actually...

[beowabbit]

You, my dear, are one of the leading people I considered when thinking about the people this rule of Pam's *doesn't* fit.

*blush*

Pam's advice was based on the experience of calling up an old friend and having him act very odd and his wife even odder.

Ah. I hadn't thought of that particular dynamic. And I guess there are enough people out there who think you can't even be friends with people of the sex you're interested in if you're not involved with them. They can live on their planet; I like mine. :-)

As for exes--- this particular one is The Ex. The only one I know of I am on bad terms with.

Definitely sometimes it makes sense not to keep contact. I've certainly known people who left abusive or otherwise harmful relationships, where there was harm in just being around the person. But I don't think of it as being something natural to the relationship you have with an ex by virtue of them being an ex, but something natural to the relationship you have with them by virtue of them being a psycho.

But let's leave sleeping tigers with arthritis in old wounds lie :)

Fabulous image!